The other night we watched Sixth Sense, I know it was out years ago, but it was one of M.Night Shyamalan's films I hadn't seen. Thought it was pretty good and as ever the famous twist at the end was a good one. Any way you know the scene where the mom goes out of the kitchen and comes back to find all the kitchen unit doors and drawers open? LOL...yeah you guessed, my lad was heading out the next day and I was upstairs, I came down to find the kitchen looking like that and a lot of products neatly lined up on the counter...he left a note, 'purely for my own amusement'!!!!

Even as he appraoches 17 in March, he is still a fun kid....young man. He works hard at his fitness, has signed up with a new soccer team and a rugby team of late, is keeping at his studies, still works part-time although I think he might stop that soon, tries to understand women and is 'going steady' as we say over here. Everyday he gives me a hug at some stage either to say hi or good night...and I love it that he still does that and it doesn't matter to him who sees.

Career wise I know it is less and less likely he will go to University now. He wants independance, he doesn't want financial pressures (esp from his mother) he sees that for him the best way forward is to get into to work that he would like especially and get earning, and like as not if he sticks at it he will do just as well careerwise than if he took another 3 years at college. Personally I would like him to go to Uni rather than join the police...or the Royal Marines as seems more likely at the moment!!! When we talk I try to see all sides and encourage him to not get too set in his plans for the future. I realise ofcourse, in the same way he does that he may think very differently about his future in 2 years time from the way he does now. I also know denigrating his choices now and telling him how wrong he is will only harden his position no matter what....a lesson his mother it appears has yet to understand!!!

If he does go for the Marines....nearly 20 years of protecting him will be over...and I will probably have an anxious moment everyday. However at his age I should remember that I had already spent a summer living away from home and many weekends away climbing and camping with friends....now it's his time. Let's just hope in 18 months he is less keen on a military career, although if his current plan of atleast 4 years in that and then applying for MI5 etc sticks, I am sure he will excell.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..x

Hi Vincent...
My brother is off to the Marines in just a couple months... so, in a way, I know how you feel, although I did not raise my brother of course as a father would raise a son.

My partner and I are on the path to becoming fathers and it's great to be touching base with other gay fathers out there.

Best, and happy new year!

Doug

Hi Doug,

Firstly may I wish you a great 2007 along with all our other guys here in Gayfatherhood.com. Secondly it is nice to see you post for the first time on NY's Eve, I trust it will be the first of many.

I would also want to wish you and your partner every good wish and sucess with your endeavors to become parents. How are you going about this and what stage are you at in the process? I love being a father, always have. Knowing I was gay always concerned me in that I wondered if I would...could become a parent. Well when his mum and I were ready we were lucky to find our selves pregnant quite quickly.

I adored my child as a baby, from the first moments after he was born when I held him shortly after his birth (he was cesarian due to being breach, so I got to be with him first)...and that has never changed as he has grown and become the fine young man he is now. I made a promise that I would be different...better as a father than my Dad had been, and I think I have seceeded in that.

Being a father is one of the greatest achievements in my life and the gives me the deepest sense of joy and meaning too. I know anyone can do it, but we know our kids are all unique and I feel I have done well....and that he is such a great promising young man now. So yes the thought of him joining the Army...Marines etc does fill me with a sense of foreboding, more so especially this morning as I listen on the news and hear of more American soldiers loosing their lives in Iraq...now more than 3000!!!

So Doug thanks for the posting, welcome to GF.com, I trust it will be the first of many regarding your adventure on the road to becoming a father. Keep us in touch with how things are. This is a great community of guys, and not just online....I have vacationed with our founding father for the past 4 years now...and others have met up to...it is a place where people meet, learn and grow as men and parents.

So good luck...and warmest regards from one gay father to another..xx

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

Hi Vincent,

First or all, thank you so much for your warm welcome and your well wishes. I really appreciate it.

Becoming a father is something I have dreamed of doing for many years. One of the blessings of our relationship, Aaron and I, is that we both mutually feel very much inclined to having a family and have both felt that way from the day we began our relationship. It has been within the past year or so that we have begun to more seriously consider the idea, and within the past few months where we have begun to take more serious steps.

I, personally, had struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality in my teens to early 20's probably mostly due to the fact that I could only see myself fulfilling my dream of becoming a father within a heteralsexual context. And so therefore I tried quite a bit to make it work in relationships with women. About 5 years ago, however, I started to realize that I would just need to accept the fact that I was gay, as well as possibly give up the idea of having children. However, when Aaron and I got together about 2 1/2 years ago (we had originally met 10 years ago, when I was just going off to university, which is another story for another day), and as our relationship grew, we both realized that what better environment to raise a family than an environment where the parents have a relationship founded on a solid base of mutual loving and respect for one another, with a heartfelt dream to share that loving with their own children?

In that sense I totally relate to what you are saying regarding being the best father I can be, as I fully intend to bridge the gap that I did not experience with my own parents, and Aaron feels the same way as well, with our own children. It's interesting, when I came to this realization, that I could be a great father and really positively contribute to a child's life, I realized that the most important ingredient for a family of any orientation or background to have is the ingredient of loving, of nurturing, of truly taking the opportunity to be a conscious father. There are so many families that are unconscious to their approach in parenting, and as a result many of the various complications arise.

At any rate, Aaron and I are exploring various options, looking thoughtfully at many different angles of both surrogacy and adoption. We have recently met with a surrogacy agency, and we also plan to meet with another surrogacy agency in the near future as well as with a few adoption agencies over the next few months. We are in the research phase and yet we are also beginning to prepare more fully for fatherhood in terms of getting our home prepared (moving Aaron's office, creating a baby bedroom, etc.) as well as researching into family cars, etc. etc.

So....! That's where we are. I am so looking forward to becoming a father. Today, Aaron and I will "play" daddies to my 4 year old nephew and 2 1/2 year old niece. For New Year's Day, we take them out and about... we were hoping to take them to the beach today (Timmy LOVES the beach.) Of course, it's a bit cold for swimming, but I imagine they would be excited about playing in the sand.

Thanks again for your warm welcome. And hello to the rest of us gay fathers out there in cyberspace!

Doug

Hi Guys,

Your point is well made and one common to many gay men today who want to be parents. Fact is most gay men have to really work/struggle/persevere to become parents or remain as an active agent in their kids lives. We do not enter into these situations lightly, and more often than not are the most wonderfully positive, affirming, honest, realistic, encouraging and loving adults any child could hope to have as parents.

Gay men with kids are very much a minority within the gay community as a whole (8% in a survey in the UK). However we know that familiy is about positive active nurturing, not repeating the mistakes our parents made for good or bad reasons, that honesty and integrity within the parent child relationship develops strong creative, well adapted independant young adults and that we have the right and the capabilities to be the best parents any kid could hope for. Two Dads, two sane, sorted, open, gay fathers can be the most wonderful role models, and the men on gf.com affirm that every day.

I hear comments by prejudiced politicians and some narrow minded religious zealots that frustrate me to my core, who it seems would rather see children in fueding angry vilolent straight homes than with two fathers who have the love and time and desire to be the best parents society could envisage for children in todays difficult world.

Ok rant over...I trust Doug, that for you and Aaron, and any other guys struggling to remain active parents or become fathers, that 2007 is a great year where your dreams.....and those of your kids are truely realised.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..xx

Hi Vincent,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. And I agree, there are many naysayers in the world who claim they are parading for the well-being of children yet completely overlook two perfectly capable gay fathers raising a family themselves. And I think its true, to that those of us who do have families are very active in the role of nurturing, afterall, we often risk a lot to simply have a family. One would only hope that as time progresses, there will be more open-mindedness about gay couples raising families. Although at least in many parts of the United States, I can't even imagine it being more open to this idea. However, there are some parts, especially on the coasts. What is it with the inland people? Ahh, they must be those cowboys & girls related to Bush. Ha!

Which brings me to a question, Vincent, is this just typical of the U.S. or are the more liberal folk in the UK congregated on the coasts? Perhaps getting more people to live near the ocean would help out a bit? I'm half serious about that, but it truly makes me wonder.

At any rate, I welcome any of you other gay fathers to contact me as well. Would love to hear from you.

Doug

Ahhhhhhhhh... Doug, we have our own brand of narrow minded idiots here in N Ireland....a certain 'brand of christians'. Generally speaking the vast majority are ok with gay culture...adoption...parenting. Infact the law now affords equal rights in that respect with st8 couples and individuals looking to adopt or foster!!! It has taken time and there is some way to go but we are really progressing things here in the Uk big style.

That's not to say that homophobic bullying in schools and at the work place isn't common place..it is...and there is still a measure of ambivalence in society, a kind of 'acceptable prejudice' tolerated, but the times they are a changing.

I personally love the sea and the coast and think anyone waking up to the sound of waves, gulls crying, that saltiness in the breeze, being near to the sea, being able to go for long walks on the beach, well they just must feel better about life in general and adopt a live and let live attitude.

I want to live up on the North Coast, it is just beautiful, but the Pacific Rim Park coast line on Vancouver Island...omg....then I hear the coastal area in North Carolina is pretty great too...eh founding father...David?

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

I had a long talk with my son on Sat night after he came in from a night out with friends. We often sit in the kitchen...his room...the home office and natter. It gives him the chance to talk about college, how things are with his mates or girl friend....let off steam about issues he may have with his mother.

This conversation started with just that....how his perception is that when he stays with or visits her house there is constant tension, arguements, she takes little enough interest in what is going on in his life or at college but has time to nag and bitch on about things she doesn't like about what he does, or make comments about somethings relating to me, or complain about how much food he eats or how much he is costing her.

Now I know he is no angel, but he is a great young man who cares a great deal, even about his mother, but more and more I feel, and he senses she doesn't feel the same way. At his age in today's society more and more kids make statements about their individuality, we as parents may not always agree but should know better rather than always raising the red flag and daring...taunting them to cross a line. She does and he naturally obliges.

This thread started with me talking about him cutting loose and heading for some kind of military career, well he says now rather than deal with the guilt she piles on him re where he lives, who he holidays with etc etc, he would rather cut and run with the experience and educational points he has now and join up. Unfortunately after a conversation with his mother today where I wanted to discuss this situation I became convinced that ....well she would be happy with that, she has lost any real genuine interest in what is good for him and his future....as long as he doesn't stay with me 100% of the time, because anything would be better than that. Her middle class piety and a sense of what others (esp family) might say, has I think convinced her anything would be more tolerable than admitting that she is more and more committed to her new lifestyle and second family ( b/f and two kids...life in England?) than the responsibilty to help her own son and try and do what is right for him. It takes time and effort to raise a kid, to remain part of their lives...young or old. Talking with, not too, going out for walks and chatting, enjoying times out socializing over a meal, shopping....the normal range of things we do with someone we love...a friendship as well as a parental 'chore'.

I trust things will change and her attitude that everything is fine (making a complete liar out of him!)will not persist. If it does then in yeasrs to come I know she will suffer the loss of any meaningfull relationship with her only son... and I trust no more than that....but she will deserve no less.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

Hi Vincent,

I am glad to hear that people are open-minded, in general, your way. Yes there is something about the ocean that is soothing in away that it takes a bit of the edge off of life. I can't imagine what it is like to be land-locked in the middle of a country somewhere. I would go absolutely insane. No offense to those of you who are living hours from the ocean.

I personally love Vancouver and the pacific coast up that way. Absolutely beautiful. My partner Aaron and I went up there on business a year and a few months ago and was that beautiful! We loved the town, the people, the geograohy. Just loved it.

Aaron and I have been progressing along on our fatherhood research. We met with a gay couple the other day that had adopted a 3 month old boy and he is now 7 months. He is absolutely adorable. He is all smiles and he seems like a very happy, well adjusted baby. I held him and wow I could see us with a baby anytime soon.

My sister has come forward and is very open to the idea of being our egg donor. We are very excited about this prospect and are looking into the surrogacy process (as well as adoption.) It is of significant expense yet our hearts have been calling us forward to explore this seriously. The prospect of us becoming fathers have been a beautiful one and we are eagerly anticipating having children.

Regarding your post about your son's mother, it sounds to me like you are of great support to your son, I imagine, being that you are a father that is fully engaged in the aspect of fatherhood, of which you do not take for granted. Good for you. I am sure your son is grateful for this. Your support for him in this way is invaluable as I am sure you know.

Well I will sign off for now... my best to you and yours.

Doug

Hi Vincent,

First, I want to congratulate you on listening to your son. I, personally, feel that one of our biggest jobs (and challenge) is to to listen to our kids. Often times, I want to give advice, but they don't necessarily need that all the time. Sometimes they just need to talk....to be heard.....not judged...not criticized....not advised...just to have someone listen. If we don't listen to our kids...somebody is going too. Will it be someone of integrity?...Will it be someone who loves our children the way we do? I am discovering if I listen, listen and listen...they will talk....and they ask for input.

I, also, noticed that you may be going thru a case of "Empty Nest Syndrome" soon, being your son is growing up. I, too, am going to be experiencing that in August. My oldest, Elliot, will be heading to law school. I know I have 2 other children, but I only have them 3 days a week. What are we going to do to fill the time? It just is happening so fast !! Have you thought about your emotions / plans, when your son moves out?


I wish you the best.