I was married for many years, and have 4 children, ranging from 9-23. I raised my kids in the same church that I was raised in, a Pentecostal church, and they are strongly indoctrinated in the evils of homosexuality.

I admitted to myself a few years ago that I was gay, and have been living with an incredible partner for 9 months. I still have not told my kids (or anyone from my hometown) about being gay. Although I am very open about being gay where I live now, the thought of the people in my home town knowing absolutely petrifies me (I feel that is residual religious fears, for the most part, since most of my family and friends are from the church). My partner is feeling very left out, and alienated, because I have not included him in my children's lives. They know I have a room-mate, but not that he is my partner.

I greatly fear losing my kids affection, because of their attachment to their church. They do have an lesbian aunt that they adore, but find the thought of anyone else living a gay lifestyle an abomination.

Any thoughts on how to approach my kids, when to approach them and how to prepare myself would be greatly appreciated.

Ok say you answered my question about the kids not knowing. I just read your posts out of order. My apology.

You ask a great question. I can only give you my experience on how my kids reacted when I told them. I was comfortable making sure that I took the time to talk to each one individually one on one. I remember each conversation as if it happened yesterday yet it happened about 8 years ago. My wife and I were divorced in 1999 and I told my kids in 2000. Each one took it differently...and I must say that to this day they still have differing opinions on my life...but are each accepting and supportive in their own way. My oldest had the most difficulty with it and I would say that to this day she still is somewhat judgemental although she is supportive. And I guess I am fortunate that they love me regardless.

So I don't know how you should tell your kids but I can say this...if you feel like its time to discuss it with them then by all means do so. You can only tell them the truth. Then it is up to them to react.

I am looking forward to others commenting on this topic since it was a main event for most of us on this site. The input will be invaluable...

Regards,
Alex

Dear Parent of 4,

Gee, I sure wish there was an easy answer to this one... but there isn't. Historically, this has been one of the most difficult hurdles for many of our dads to get through. Everyone seems to have done their own thing... some have done, like AB and our founder David, individual discussions. Others have told their children in a group. On the plus side, I would say about 85% or so really had no problems at all. Unfortunately, there are others who did have problems and it almost invariably revolved around religious issues.

The bottom line is that you raised them, you really are the best judge of what their reaction will be... oftentimes the kids already know and just haven't said anything.

It's a difficult step to take... for what it's worth, I believe the usual approach has been fairly low key and one on one. That way you can deal with each child's questions, concerns, etc.

And who knows... perhaps one of your children is keeping their sexual orientation from you because of the church? It's happened before...

The most important thing is that they understand that their father is still that... their father. And that your love will never change even if they need some time for making the adjustment to your announcement.

Please keep us up to date and hopefully others with more specific advice will respond to your concerns about this admittedly very big step between you and your kids.

All the best,

Smokey

First off, good luck telling the kids and I'll be praying for you.

I did a poor job telling my kids. I told my eldest to prevent my ex from spinning the news in such a way to pull my daughter from me. I told her too soon after the break-up and it added an additional burden that would have been better delayed. My youngest daughter found out from a third party (a girlfriend of hers). She felt betrayed that I hadn't told her myself. My saving grace is that I had an important ally in both cases, my mother. Mom is close to both girls, and they trust her. My parents were also very supportive of me throughout the coming out process. So one important suggestion I can make is to line up a third party who will support your lifestyle and remind the kids of your love. Maybe Auntie could be enlisted as your allie?

Despite the fact that I handled things poorly, both my girls remain an important part of my life, and we have a great relationship. Part of the reason for that is that I can be fully honest with them about who I am. Kids know when you're hiding from them. Coming out to them has lifted that veil and enriched our lives together.

Another plus of telling the kids is that they have a clearer picture of why their parents separated. This eliminates a common problem kids have of blaming themselves for their parents' break-up.

I think that there is probably no right or wrong time or place to tell the kids you're gay. Hold your kids in your heart and then let your heart be your guide.

What a wonderfully thoughtful and honest response, Paul. Good to hear from you again, by the way. I hadn't thought of that third party suggestion, but what a great and helpful suggestion that is. I unfortunately had no such ally to rely on, but there are probably many dads that do; they just haven't thought about it first.

Basically, if I can add anything helpful here it is simply to say that while it is tricky territory, especially if there is no groundwork laid and the kids have gotten older with no knowledge of your "sympathies" regarding gay rights and issues, still it is a very important part of raising kids with the sort of integrity, tolerance and self respect that should be modeled to them in our own lives.

I told my oldest when he was nine. He just turned 18 and while I think he's had a few ideas planted in his head from the family's church, I know it's been balanced with some good common sense from my own situation over the last nine years. I am constantly reminded of how important it is to keep the communication open to all of my family (more on that later), especially my children.

Long ago I decided that I did not have the strength or desire to live what I felt was a double life for the long term. Coming out was good not only for my own nerves but for my relations with my children as well.

You are in our thoughts as you go through this, Pof4. So keep us up to date on how this goes.

Thank you!
David