quote:

Please pardon me for this long email, but this is David Bauman, Micah Bauman's father, and I just wanted to address some things in light of what's happened since our most recent meetings.

I think I'm just going to address this to everyone and if someone would forward this along to Miss Wray, I would be grateful. I don't think I have her email address, but I'll try to include this to Micah's mother, Mr. P, Mr. Rutecki and Mrs. Coffee, just so that we are all communicating and hopefully on the same page for Micah's sake. If we can forward this all along to Dr. Challman and Miss Stephanie, that would be great too.

I have read and re-read the emails from last week about the incidents with Micah and I'd like to provide some insight if possible, or at least pose a few questions. I don't for a moment pretend to have all the answers.

I want to thank everyone involved for all the hard work and careful thought that is being put into Micah's well-being and education across the board. It's good to know that we are not in this alone and that neither is Micah.

I want to stress that while understanding a little about how an asperger's mind works is very important in our approach to Micah's behavior, I don't ever want to make excuses for his inappropriate behavior or to minimize the need to instruct him and discipline him in proper, acceptable behavior. Like any other child there must be clear expectations, consequences and rewards, and we must not "let it slide" as far as discipline and consequences go or use autism as an excuse for misbehaving.

At the same time we need to not expect his mind to work the same way as every other child's. After all, if it did we would not have to have IEP meetings or TSS workers, behavioral specialists or pediatric neurologists involved. A handicapped child at the school is expected to meet the same standards as any other child. We don't make excuses for them, but we do make accommodation's. We put up handicap ramps and bathroom stalls, etc. For someone like Micah, the adjustments may seem a bit more nebulous, because it isn't as simple as adding an elevator to the second floor or a wider doorway for a wheelchair.

We talked a lot about how Micah's mind seems to be wired, especially with Mr. Rutecki at one of our recent meetings. I would like to again stress a need to not press for a reason why from Micah. If he blurts out something he shouldn't or does something that seems bizarre to us, asking him why likely won't get anywhere, nor will it be helpful. I would be willing to bet that the majority of the time he couldn't explain it anyway, or if he could, he wouldn't know how to put it into words, or at least would feel the conviction that we would not understand anyhow. That's been his experience, I am sure. I know we feel a need to diagnose, to dig deeper and find reasons. But if there is any benefit in such analysis, it needs to be explored later, after the immediate problem of misbehavior has been dealt with.

Another thing that doesn't help, and I can tell you from years of experience with my son, is giving him a firm talking to. With our two oldest boys, two warnings and third strike you are out worked great. Even the old technique of red light, yellow light, green light was helpful. But none of that seemed to work with Micah, much to our confusion and frustration. The charts toward rewards did help a bit, but anything less than immediate consequence or reward for Micah always turned out with less than stellar results.

So what do we do with a child in the autism spectrum? More importantly what do we do with Micah? As we discussed with Mr Rutecki recently, what is needed is some sort of behavioral approach, not a verbal or interrogative approach. It goes something like this, "Micah, you know that behavior was not acceptable. We have discussed consequences for these things. You have done X so you know the consequence is Y." Then you follow through. I know that in these days without paddles such things are harder to accomplish. But the discipline may be to spend the afternoon in in-school suspension, rather than watching the movie the class was going to watch. It might be the equivalent of sitting in a corner or being sent immediately to the principal's office.

Whatever the consequences, the key for training proper behavior in a child of the autism spectrum is that it follow as immediately as possible. If it must be delayed, it must at least be communicated right away. For example, his mother was driving the other day when for some reason, Micah shouted out the window. Obviously, she could not discipline him at that second, but she did calmly pull the car over and firmly tell him, "Micah, you know you are not allowed to do that, and you know that this means no computer for you tonight." He started to put up a fuss and she simply, firmly told him, it won't help to fight it, you did the wrong thing, you know it and those are the consequences. As she says, "end of story." He quieted down and the situation was over. He paid the consequences that evening, and hopefully this will help to train him to not repeat that behavior.

Similarly with rewards, a sticker or a high five, or proverbial pat on the back helps to reinforce good behavior. We will be glad to follow up with rewards at home too. But one whole day of perfect behavior is probably too much to expect. Lord knows, I can't even do that sometimes. Can anyone? But perhaps if the stickers he is getting each day could be followed up at home with extra computer time or a favorite treat, or heck, a dollar bill after he gets so many (after all, that's what we adults work for), I'll gladly provide the dollars.

Looking for reasons why should come only after the behavior has been corrected. I understand a need to find if someone is picking on him, or if the room was too noisy or if he was feeling ill. But we have already established that there is no excuse for poor behavior, so let's correct it first and then later look to see if maybe he is reacting to something in the environment around him if we need to.

Mostly, it will be behavioral training like this, like we try to do at home with him, that will help Micah through life. Behavioral training more than meds. will have to be relied upon as his walking stick, his seeing eye dog or his wheel chair.

I hope that Virginia and I have been clear enough in our support of discipline for him (I honestly don't care for the word punishment, because punishment doesn't carry to connotation correction and training that the word discipline does, at least not to my mind). I hope that Miss Coffee and Miss Wray, you both understand that we will back you up. I think we were pretty vocal about that at his IEP meeting.

The reason I say this is because it seems like there is some timidity about what to do. Confusion, I understand, because his behavior confuses us too. But it's not our job to understand his mental gears and pulleys so much as it is to help him cope and teach him how to get by in a world that doesn't think quite like he thinks.

Here is what I see from that last major email about Micah. If I misunderstand any of this, please let me know. I'm just trying to look back at it and see what we can do better and how we can better support the teachers and staff in this, as well as help Micah.

1. There was a spitting incident.
2. There was a disrespect incident.
3. There was an acting up during a presentation.

What concerns me is that his visit to Mr. P seemed to come the next day after lunch. Is that correct? Honestly, as a parent I understand that in this world of HIV saliva is a big deal. The moment he wiped the spit on his shoe onto Miss Wray's foot, I personally feel he should have been sent to the principal's office and given immediate detention. Such an incident is truly a big deal.

If you'll remember the previous time he was given detention, his mother came to the office to ask if it could be given that same day so that it followed more closely to the behavior in question. Detentions might not be much help, especially if they do not happen until days after the action.

Next he acted up during a presentation. I am glad his pens were taken from him if he was causing a disturbance. Apparently this wasn't enough. Was he then taken out of the presentation? That would probably be the best course of action, both for the sake of the other students and in order to deal with his behavior immediately.

And his lunging at Miss Wray, another bit of his show of disrespect. What can be done here? We discipline him at home, and we have also tried to talk sense into him about this. Obviously the talk doesn't work. I am hoping someone has better suggestions about how to handle this, but please understand we support firm action. If he has to be suspended from school for his actions, so be it. But please don't let this slide for fear of offending us.

In any case all of this seems to have happened in one day, whatever the order of events. I am not clear about the discipline form and when it was written, but it sounds like the bulk of this was handled next day with the trip to the office.

I will not make excuse for violent behavior from him. I will not allow him to get away with disrespect of any kind. But just to maybe get an idea of how this progressed, could we look at this for a moment through his eyes? As much as possible, at least, since we already know his mind's workings confuse us.

So Micah has a "bad day;" gets in trouble more than once; gets talked to about it. Possibly gets a discipline slip written up, but then goes home and after losing computer privileges and having a positive debriefing with his mother before bed, he gets up and is prepared for a good day. He figures he got away the day before without serious consequences. Possibly he sees this as behind him and he has a fresh start, or was he made aware that he would see Mr. P. next day? In the morning, he and his mother have a good morning and a positive pep talk to prepare him to do better.

Autistic/asperger's children do not deal well with surprises.

But after lunch Micah is unexpectedly (?) approached again about his behavior from the day before. He thought that was over and done with, and that today was going to be better (again, if I am wrong on any of this, please correct me). Suddenly he is in trouble again for yesterday and being sent to the office.

I won't excuse his behavior, as I said, and he must learn to control his temper, but I must confess that if I were him I and if things happened something like I am describing here, I think I would have been angry too. He banged against lockers, he was frustrated. Social skills are his weak point, so how does he express his frustration? I am at least glad he held back from lashing out at anyone else. I don't want him to hurt himself, but the fact that he hits his own head perhaps in his mind is at least one small better than hurting another person.

Does this make sense? As confusing and frustrating as this is for us, without letting him off the hook for one second, can we see how confused and frustrated he might be? Does it break anyone's heart that he then says to his mother, "Then why don't you just kill me!" He then says he hates himself.

We are the adults who need to help him through this, and correct him when he is wrong, but I hope we don't fail by being timid about it or delayed in our actions. The behavioral method is what his neurologist and his autistic support teacher both recommend, and as we have said before we will fully support his teachers and helpers in it.

It is further frustrating to find out now at the end of the school year that he is having respect issues in Mrs. Kessinger's phys. ed. class as well. Hearing this so late in the game is pretty frustrating for us as his parents because now we've missed so many opportunities to try to correct that situation as well.

In any case, please know that you have our support and backing, and that we are as frustrated as you are at times. Let's keep communicating. Perhaps we should hear something from all of his teachers. It might have been helpful to hear from Mrs. Kessinger before the recent IEP plans.

I am all for the deprivation of privileges, just please make sure he is aware of them immediately and that they follow as close to the infraction as possible. Also, could the mere attending of such things be seen as rewards in some way? I don't know, perhaps Mr. Rutecki could give some further insight into the discipline, consequence and rewards that help best with children like Micah.

Thank you for your time and again, thanks to each of you for your help. I hope you know we are grateful.

David J. Bauman