Well, the Chirstmas season is upon us, and all through our house, it looks like a Christmas wonderland!! The livingroom, diningroom, and the basement familyroom, all have 7 foot decorated trees in them. Holly, Ivy, garland, and boughs of everygreen hang beautifully around almost every entrance of every door. Wreaths, candles, ornaments, Christmas villages, manger scenes decorate almost every corner of the house. The smell of Gingerbread, and other Christmas delicasies float out of the kitchen, where Dad is baking his heart out. And to make the season even brighter, the sound of Christmas music can be heard throughout our home.
Sounds like the perfect storybook Christmas?
Well, here is the little twist, to our Christmas. Deep, in the back of the house, is a room, that sort of can be compared to a winter scene(A Snow Storm). The atmosphere there is cold, no decorations hang, no Christmas music can be heard, no Christmas spirit can be felt!! In this room, lives a miserable, 17 year old, Grinch of a son. While dad, and the other two sons, are enjoying decorating, singing Carols, and making cookies, Mr. Grinch has barricaded himself behind his bedroom door, only popping out occassionally to complain about the Christmas music and how ridiculous we are for decorating the house for what he calls "A day like any other Sunday".
Well, I understand teenage rebellion, and that teenagers have other things in their heads, like computer games, Playstation, X Box, and Nintendo WII. Ooops, I forgot also that my 17 year old teenager loves to raid the fridge and empty it in the middle of the night.
My problem is that he purposely tries to sabotage the Christmas spirit of everyone else in the house. I try to be understanding and discuss the matter with him. He tells me that putting up decorations and celebrating things, is an act of giving false security, false hope, and false happiness to people that don't know any better. Me, in my thought of having infinite wisdom, decided that a day in church and a talk with our Parish priest, would help him out. Was I ever wrong!!!! Here I learned that my 17 year old believes in nothing!! "God is a figment of everyone's imagination, and we use him as an excuse for everything", were the words that came sputtering out of his mouth. He went on to tell the priest and me that believing in God, or in other people, or in holidays, is a waste because its all a let down in his eyes anyways. I went on to ask my son, if he ever thought that I let him down. He answered that I had not, but that everyone else around him continuously lets him down, and he prefers to live in his life of video games and Anime cartoons, because they can't hurt him the way people do.
Fellow Dads, I need your help here. How to I help my Grinch of a son, to return to the world of happiness, trust, and celebration? I love my sons more then words can say, and it hurts me deeply to see my oldest son living a life of being continuously miserable. I would give up my heart and soul to have my sons happy!!

I think we need to remember that we are all individuals...who can have phases in our lives...or hold contrary opinions....and sometimes it isn't about fixing them...but recognizing their value to the person concerned, whilt showing them them that they are still loved...and can love others who are different to them.

I don't see that talking to a priest is in anyway the the answer (yes...I am the back sliding agnostic...atheist here in GF.com). A person of faith could come across in a condescending and patronising manner, albeit well meant to a person who is cynical at best about religion and much else in todays society.

It would be different if your son was at risk, if you felt that he was depressed etc? If he is just being himself....as he sees it at this time, then there is a storm to weather..and how you do that, the attitude you display is important. If you came out as gay, would you want to be taken to the priest, would you want to be dragged out in to the st8 word and asked to conform, and behave in a manner that you felt uncomfortable with!! Remind him that he is part of a family, that his brothers are still, just that...and that he can help them by remembering how he felt in the past about the holidays. He doesn't have to betray how he feels about life, by not ruining things for them. That said you guys need to encourage him to be himself, accept that this is where he is..let him know that he is a much loved son and brother, finding his own way....and that, that is ok.

Good luck...and cheerio for now..Vincent...xx

Thank You Vince for your words. You have a very valid point. I don't want him to conform by any means. I have a good friend who is our Parish priest, (who also happens to be gay, because we go to a gay parish) and I know that my eldest does get along with him, and sometimes confides in him. I am just afraid that my oldest son is sort of drifting away from the family and it worries me somewhat. Call it the beginning of empty nest syndrome, or just that I see him growing up too fast. I will stand by my son, no matter what, and I know his brothers will too.

So... is this a new behavior never seen before? Or has your 17 yo been working towards this through his teen years?

My immediate response is - what is he involved in? Sports? Clubs? Anything? If not, he needs to get involved in something... because a 17 yo with no focus or direction can become a very unhappy young man....

Have you suggested volunteering at a place that feeds the homeless? Have you suggested helping to deliver meals to the elderly? I'm no therapist but I know that when you do for others, you focus a whole lot less on your own misery...and it seems as though he has no need to be miserable....

As Vincent said, can you involve him more actively in christmas for his brothers?

I'm not a religious man but I find Christmas to be a very magical time because I believe in the teachings of Christ... I just don't believe in Christianity....

And I can't help but wonder if this is a reaction to his mother on some level.... I believe you've mentioned she's not the greatest....

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention therapy as well... yeah, I know... he's just a moody teen... but maybe there's more happening there... and, much as we want them to and as available as we make ourselves, sometimes it's easier for a kid to talk with someone else.... other than a priest, I guess...

Just some thoughts...

All the best,

Smokey

Smokey, I think you sort of hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately my oldest son has no direction at the moment, or does he have much self motivation. Sports, clubs, outside activities are taboo to him. His best friend is the computer, where he lives in the world of Anime, plays on line games, and that is it. He had a job, which he quit. He was going to school, and now also quit. He socializes with his brothers, or with on line friends, but not with the real outside world. Everything I do to motivate him, seems to go in one ear and out the other. He does not trust the outside world. This unfortunately began with his mother, who put it in his head that he is good for nothing. Mathew used to have an eating disorder, that he would eat intensely, when he was stressed, upset, or depressed. He went up to almost 300 lbs. Mathew has since worked very hard to battle this disorder, and with my help, he is now at about 175. Mathew has many issues when it comes to self confidence. He tells me that every time he tries to socialize with the outside world, including his mother, he gets let down by society. He trusts me, and his brothers, but anyone else that tries to get in his life gets rejected. It is difficult. I have tried to get outside help for y son, but he always has a trust issue when it comes to others. I will continue to work closely with him, and will never give up on him. I always have his back!

I am going to dissect this a bit and ask some questions.

First, raiding the fridge is very normal for 17 year olds. My oldest is 20 and he still raids the fridge when he stops by to say hi.

Your comment "he purposely tries to sabotage the Christmas spirit." In what way? What does he do?

I am very concerned with the following comments, "false hope" "false security" "false happiness" "everyone else lets him down" "can't hurt him the way people do." There seems to be something deeply troubling your son. He is hiding in the video games and in the internet because these are safe havens where he can easily escape should he run into a problem.

**I am not a mental health professional but I am a father of 4, ages 14-20.**

I would suggest first toning down the Christmas spirit for a day. Find something for your other boys to do away from the house and then dedicate some time to your son, without distractions. You need to voice your concern for him but stay away from Christmas. Focus on the fact that he seems withdrawn and troubled. Let him know you have come to offer help, reassure him you are here for him.

If you ask questions, ask open ended questions. Ones that do not have contained choices for answers like yes or no. The key is to get him talking so he can tell you what is wrong. The next step is the most important, LISTEN. You have to listen to every word he says, don't assume things, ask him to clarify any comments which are not well defined.

Remember even as our children get older, in their eyes we will always be parents. There are things they may not feel comfortable discussing with us. If he does not open up, you should suggest counseling.

Good luck!

Tegarst: The problem that Mathew is having, relates to his mother. Unfortunately, she was very abusive, both mentally, and physically.
I spend alot of time alone with Mathew, and we have talked on many occassions. It seems that we make some progress, and as soon as Mathew has any relations with his mother, he hides again in his shell. I could give you a long list of the things his mother has done to him, but that would take up too much space. especially when it comes to women, Mathew has no trust whatsoever. At first I blamed myself for it, but Mathew told me that he is surprised that even though she has done harm to me, him, and his brothers, I refuse to bad mouth her. I just pick up the peices and move on. I know that Mathew resents that, but I try to explain, thatt even though she causes pain, she loves in her own way.
About Christmas, this started about 3 years ago. Mathew received a stick for Christmas from his Mother. In Polish tradition, when you are good and respectable, you recieve presents, and if you are good for nothing, you get a stick to be beaten with. Since that time, Christmas has been painful for him. I have tried to help him forget the situation, but every year he is reminded of it, when his mother sends something different to make him feel bad. This year I plan to intercept the gift from his mother and replace it with something nice.
As for a therapist, Mathew refuses to dicuss it with the outside world. "What happens in the family, stays in the family", he tells me. He does not want to feel embarrassed by his mother's actions by laying them out before a stranger. I try my best to help, and to be that crutch when he needs me.

Your last paragraph worries me. It sounds like he has set the ground rules for an inescapable trap. These sorts of situations are usually resolved only after a breaking point is reached.

The experiences you described with his mother (I use the term loosely) made me feel ill. I have to disagree with you saying "she loves in her own way." I am sorry, that is not love. A parents love should be unconditional.

After reading your last post, I feel it is important for you to seek counseling for Mathew. I fear he will never have a successful loving relationship unless he is able to break free of his mothers past/current actions. If you can not get him to discuss this outside the family, I suggest you speak with a counselor for suggestions on how to change his mind.

Tegarst:
I will definitely look into counselling for Mathew. My other sons have had councelling, but Mathew opted out of it. I will do everything to help him.
When it comes to the mother of my boys, as much as I hate what she has done to them, and the permanent emotional scars she has given them, I believe that the day will come, when she will wake up and see the damage she has done and do her best to repair it. I try to find the best in all people, even though I know it is hard to find.
I appreciate the imput and will seek more help for Mathew.

Well, first of all... Hi there, Tegarst... are you new? (Okay, I'm a bad manager... I'd rather post than do the administrative stuff... )

Excellent suggestions there, Tegarst... please keep more of that sorta thing coming!!!

As for Mathew, John, I hate it when there's something that comes up here that I can't offer SOME sort of hopefully helpful advice/knowledge/wisdom/whatever... but Mathew has me stumped... I've never experienced a teen going through what he's going through.... and we all know that teen's don't go through things lightly...

So, I really have nothing to offer other than... love him, as I know you do.... try to engage him... as I know you do... never give up on him.. which I know you won't...

And I'd sure give a try to what Tegarst has suggested...

Oh... wait... I do have a thought... and it's not as silly and flip as it may seem... a vacation for you and the boys somewhere where there is no internet... and maybe no one but the four of you...

As for his mother... I can only hope that she has as miserable a life as she has created for herself ... and deserves....

All the best,

Smokey

Thank you Smokey for your kind words. Actually, that trip idea is not a bad one at all. I think the boys deserve it, as does dad. I love my kids more then life itself. The boys and I have been through alot, these past few years, but we still stand strong together, no matter what is thrown our way.!!