I am counting on the fact, hoping against hope that my 15-year-old, internet savvy son is not interested in reading the gay dad blog. Oh, dear, I hope so, because out of concern for him and others who are in similarly choppy waters, I am posting something that will likely embarass him a bit.

Understand, he's a wonderful kid, intelligent, athletic, but most importantly, good hearted. I am very proud of him. He was a very polite young gentleman world traveler recently on our trip to visit fellow Gay Father Vincent and his family in Northern Ireland. But with two younger brothers and a single mom at home, life I am sure gets a little stressful for him. I worry. Sometimes he doesn't smile like he used to. He doesn't seem depressed exactly, but moody, sometimes quite moody.

He blew up at his mother the other day while she was talking to me on the phone about something small and insignificant, really. But he felt like he was being put in the spot-light. I got him on the phone and had to calm him down and insist that he does not speak to his mother in that tone, no matter how annoyed he is.

Well, my dear friend Keith (Smokey) and I chatted about his experiences with his daughter and I found the talk helpful, and emailed it to Gin (the former wife) who discussed it at great length with me last night. I am not providing answers here, just opening the door for discussion...

Gin, I was just chatting with Keith about Josiah's outburst this morning. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I'm trying to understand how to get through it. If nothing else, you might feel less alone when you read this. :-) But under no circumstances should you let Josiah read this. He is a great kid and maybe we just need to let him know that more, like saying those things in front of each other. It's hard understanding the teenage alien, I know. At least it is for me, but I can remember my interactions with my mom, and much of this sounds familiar.

Did Susan unintentionally embarass Jesse over and over and over again about the littlest things when she was in her mid-teens?

Smokey says:

are you kidding? she still does it...

David says:

Because Josiah gets very touchy about his mom. Apparently I don't embarass him that way often, because it's rare that I get that reaction from him... or maybe it's just that he's around me less.

David says:

lol

David says:

Well, he just kind of blew up and I had to calm him down on the phone because he feels that all she ever does on the phone with me is tell me how stupid they (he and his brothers) are.

Smokey says:

well, that's a teen thing too, bro... everything is a slight whether it was remotely meant to be or not...

Smokey says:

hee hee... and maybe Gin should complain out of earshot of the boys....

David says:

exactly

David says:

and she wasn't really complaining... just telling me what they were fueding about

David says:

but, yeah, I'm thinking she and I need a talk in which I ask her to brag about the boys a bit more when she talks to me, instead of telling me everything they have fought about or whatever. lol... I know, it's not a big deal, but for the moment it seems so to him

Smokey says:

yes, that would be a good thing... though I'm sure she's run ragged with three boys.. lol...

David says:

yeah, she's mostly calm these days though

Smokey says:

well, that's good.... I know my mom and older brother's relationship was the rockiest of the three as we went through our teen years...

David says:

Yeah, and he feels like he has to be something of a "man of the house," but then of course is placed back in the category of "children" in her eyes... if you follow that

Smokey says:

sure do

Smokey says:

and I'm sure he has his share of the teenage attitude that he knows everything and all adults are stupid... lol...

David says:

Yeah, to an extent. Though it seems like more of a frustration of... why don't they understand how they are upsetting me? And that makes what he's upset about more upsetting... and it's just a spiral.

Smokey says:

and in our house that led to Jesse going in to her room, slamming the door and sulking....

David says:

yuppers

David says:

except he often seems to feel a need for a huge masculine display of his anger, and then be TOLD to go to his room. lol

David says:

Sigh... I remember doing that myself.

Smokey says:

I tried to avoid that.... saw how much it hurt my mom when Kenny did it...

David says:

And I think he sees that too... which adds to the spiral effect... 1. He gets angry.

David says:

2. one of us embarasses him about it. 3. This makes him more angry. 4. He lashes out. 5. He sees that he's upsetting people. 6 This makes him upset at himself. 7. One of us corrects him. 8. Which makes him feel more embarassed and stupid... until he has no words to say and either sits down and sulks quiety, maybe even cry... or go to his room, often because he was told to.

David says:

Very confusing, but I think that's something like what happens.

Smokey says:

yeah, pretty much.... I do recall that when I lost my temper with mom or dad it was generally because they were right and I realized I'd screwed up...

David says:

yeah, that's definately where he starts stuttering for words. I may forward this to Gin, just so she knows she's not alone. I'll just tell her not to let Jo read it under any circumstances!

David says:

lol

Smokey says:

dear god, no!!!

Interesting article in a Canadian online "newspaper" called 365Gay. It's about new theories and evidence of growth in the teenage brain and how that effects their emotions and anger. Click here!

Mmmmmmmmmh,,,thinking before I type,

I have seen how you are with the boys David, and as importantly how they respond to you. I was chatting to a friend here in Ireland a couple of days ago who has a young son and daughter, and guess what, when with their Mother they seem to misbehave (according to her) and yet are angels/know better when they live with thier Dad. My own son's difficulties with his Mother at home/ on holidays etc etc are well documented here, and yet he and I generally get on so very well and respect each others positions...So?....

Why are the mothers of kids with a gay fathers apparently unable to be a good parent without emotional and psycological turmoil and consequent feelings of guilt and blackmail on the part of the kids...and why do the gay fathers appear in general to have the situation licked. YES I know that is a huge wide sweeping generalization....but I...WE have said it here before, gay dads are really quite remarkable in their ability to fulfil all the roles needed as a parent...AND mothers seem to struggle with that. I still think in our situations it is linked to the fact of who and what the father was and is and how the mother relates to that and has processed, or not, as the case maybe that reality.

I would be really very interested to hear from Dads that have fostered/adopted/ have a surrogate arrangement where the mother is still very much part of the childs life....how are those relationships especially between the mother and children?

Cheerio for now....Vincent...x