Hi Guys,

This is just a wee vent on my part. I would be so much happier sharing(and will do) how great it is to have a son who lives with me and my guy David every other week, the marvellous time we had in the States visiting Paul and Amy and then with David,Brian and their 3 boys BUT

My son's mum is such a bloody self centered, ignorant, selfish, mean, shite of a woman at times...sigh...apologies if I offend anyone. When we went to the States I made sure my son could phone home to Ireland to chat with his mother, and sure that cost quite a bit, but I feel that it is impotant for him, and for me to do that for him. Now he is away for a couple of weeks with her and her partner, he phones to say she will not pay his calls and that if I want to talk to him then I must call him!!! This may seem little enough but it is the tip of a huge f*#@~%@g iceberg. Last night I didn't phone him back because I knew she would answer first and I would verbally remove her ... horned scaley head.

I try not to put my son in these situations but she never fails to do so, to yank my chain, to carry on knowing I will accomodate...make the time /space/effort...and it has just made me feel like...sigh, 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. Ok, I know there isn't much to do or say, and I will 'discuss' this and other issues for one last time with her.

I should go to bed...and lie awake like usual...lol...Vincent..x

Vince, I empathise completely. Every summer and January (total 13 weeks out of every year) my children are taken to Germany whilst their mum does a continuing education/training thing with the organisation for whom she and her husband work. And when they're out of the country, I make the phone calls. Otherwise they just don't happen.

As a side-note, your topic heading made me smile. I downloaded and set "Ding Dong, the witch is Dead" as the ring-tone for use only when called by her number. (Not that I want her dead, by any means, but it's the only song that mentions her by name! )

I've got a bucket of water for you, if you want it. Go on!

You obviously needed to get that out of your system and a lot of us can empathize. I call the boys always. She never pays for those calls, but then I am made out to be the one who should because after all it's all my fault... you know how the story goes, luv. I understand.

I just wish you could get some real rest, hunny.

lololol....oh dear, what have I done, you know it must be a Uk thing....but David set my ringtone for my ex as the music to 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' several months ago....lol, I felt a bit guilty about it at the time, Conor thinks it's great, just hope he doesn't mentiion it to his mum!!!

I've got to find and download that ring tone...

quote:

Originally posted by VinceBelfast:
lololol....oh dear, what have I done, you know it must be a Uk thing....but David set my ringtone for my ex as the music to 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' several months ago....lol, I felt a bit guilty about it at the time, Conor thinks it's great, just hope he doesn't mentiion it to his mum!!!

That is too funny! Great minds, eh? What I failed to mention is that my kids wouldn't have had to mention it to her. A year ago I got a free phone upgrade and her handset had died, so I passed on my old one to her - completely forgetting to delete that ring-tone!

Vince,

I can sympathize with you. Even though my ex is generally quite fair, there are times that she uses my kid as a pawn. She uses this to 'Push my buttons'. She knows where they are and won't hesitate to use them if she is in a foul mood.

I recommend that you come out and say to her:

" For the sake of our son, please do not use him to fire salvos at me. It is unfair to both our son and me."

I took a mandatory separation course here and it taught me alot. Even nuances such as "How has YOUR mother been doing?" vs. "How is Mom doing?" They tell me that children pick up on these small changes and makes them feel helpless and in the middle and depression can often result.

Just my 2 cents. (Canadian... 1/2 a penny in Ireland!)

Keep plugging away!

Spoke with my son tonite, he sounded miserable and angry. His mum only seems to think about keeping her b/f and his two boys happy, and doesn't listen to what Conor want's, it's all about these other two younger boys.In the States with David and his three boys we worked at keeping all the kids ...and the Dads happy. Ofcourse there will be days when it doesn't quite work out, but this vacation away with his mum sounds so similar to last year when he was really unhappy and felt so isolated. He told me he never wants to go away with her again.

Tried to phone her to ask that she should look at what's happening and talk with as opposed, too Conor, see the rift that is growing daily, but she has her phone turned of, having told Conor already that she doesn't want to talk to me.

I love my son, at nearly 16 he is growing in to a handsome, sensitive strong willed lovely young man....I don't want him to mistrust and begin to hate his mother but at the same time the day is nearly here when I only care about him, and my relationship with him.

Vince,

Keep following the high road! It's not about her being unfair to you or to Conor about calling, but about you doing the best you can for your son - and you are doing that.

Even if he can't see now how you go out of your way for him he will see it one day and he will appreciate all that you've done. It's great you are concerned with how he views his mother and women. Don't worry, he will see there are many different types of women - they can't all be like his mom. You certainly can't fix her.

Glad you came here to vent. When it gets hard to cope just remember that the benefits to your son are worth the angst you deal with.

Some days are bad and others make you feel like an ogre I have had txt messages and calls with my son that indicate how unhappy and unequally he feels he is treated by his mum as a 15yr old in front of her b/f's 11 yr old. So after a number of attempts she finally takes my call. I tried to be helpful and conciliatory whilst at the same time not shying away from telling her the truth of the situation, past present and the potential for the future. Her responses ranged from ...it was none of your business...that's fine he can stay at home next year....to... I try to make him happy and he isn't tellling you everything.

I don't want to tell his mum that I think she has forgotten who and what the priorities in her life should be, that like or not she has to spend money on her son, mine and her own!!! That sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the happiness of our kids..etc etc....and yet he is MY son, lives with me and expects my love and loyalty...not blind and unquestioned, but genuine and lovingly parental.

Conor does know and appreciate what is done for him, he always has, but this kind of anger in him at this age could turn him, well make him less concerned about what his parents think...how or if he cares about that. I always joked that since he was always such a good kid he would probably go off the rails by the time he hit 16.....I never thought one of us, his parents might drive him to it.

Any how I have said my piece, hit most of the issues good and succinctly...maybe not so much an ogre , but I wish it felt better.

Cheerio for now Vincent..x

Vince, I am glad that we are all having this little talk. Obviously this kind of stress is something that so many of us here at GF can relate to.

I know you were concerned about it being "terse" and thought that maybe it should be deleted, but I have to disagree with that. If we could not talk about this here, well, I am afraid that we would be missing the opportunity to meet a great need that so many men in our situations face.

I know you are concerned about the message boards becoming an all out bitch session, but honey, please don't worry about it in this instance. I know the topic had come up before about having a venting board that our children couldn't see... dunno if that's a good idea or not. We may post a poll about it, but in the mean time, I think this discussion has been very constructive and helpful all around.

Love and miss ya,

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Vince in Ireland,

Well guys the latest is a long letter, a real piece of work....deals with all the old issues...emotional blackmail, guilt tripping...me being gay, my son being worried and ashamed, me morally questionable when it comes to my decisions to support my son, financial impoverismenent due to my leaving her blah blah blah....honestly I should post it for all to read, you will weep with equal vigour for its emotional blackmailing as its comedic content. AND she told Conor about it before she sent it despite him asking her not to send it!!!

I for my part am resisting my total desire to disect it and reply in detail etc etc and have decided to ignore it...will kill her!!!

Well here I am again guys,

There are so many things I could say here, warnings about the emotional tricks/words/guilt/pressures etc that a woman will put on her kids to get what they want, but that would only be mean and since I am now aware that my ex reads my blog at http://www.vincecreelan.com and gf.com I will curtail my venting only in the unlikely hope that it may help her see sense and start thinking about her life and our son, instead of trying to blame everything on the past with me and using guilt as a tool against my son!!! If only she would get on with her own life.

That said I think anyone who wants to get something and is willing to guilt trip and blackmail their kids with tales of financial impoverishment, potential loss of an adult relationship,...a litany of insinuations, half truths...out right lies and innappropriate inferences of consequences should really look at whether they have the right moral or otherwise to call themselves a parent or continue to have the right to be one.

I have sent her a long letter detailing all of this, and evidencing much, I can only hope she will finally after 5 years see sense, stop trying to yank my chain, give my son a break, accept that she has financial responsibilty for having a son too (ie her money is her money but she has to spend some of it on him and not expect me to pay board and lodgings for the week he stays with her!!!). My end goal is genuinely hoping that she will be happier, get on with our son,that he will still want to live with her when it's her week and that she will look forward to the life she can have with the guy she has been dating for 1-2 years(pending his divorce financial maneovering re the settlement!!!) and not back to what we had and lost because I was gay blah blah blah.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..x

Hi! Heph, here. I'm a gay grandfather with a daughter 36 and three grandchildren 5,2,and 1. Even 27 years after the break up some of the anger will still pop up and out. It does get a lot easier though and as so much happens over the years to our children and in my case their's that your ex will hopefully with time see how you have handled these things in a positive manner and will come to be less angry and hopefully more cooperative. Her anger is towards you and if she loves your son as I suspect she does in the end if you show her boy love and are a good father which you no doubt are, she will rebuild her own life, see your true value and be less likely to be the wicked witch she may very well be right now. Time heals so much. Hope this helps. Heph :-)

Thanks for the advice and support guys. Heph, you are such a lucky guy....grand kids now too...sigh Well I'm actually happy for that not to be the reality for a few years yet, but look forward to that time in my life quite happily.

As for my situation, the letter seems to have had some impact. His mum is taking some issues with repect to our son much more seriously, and her partner is moving in with her now for a while before they find a new home which suits our son well and I think helps him feel more valued. Also my ex has been sweetness and light to me....which worries me! She has asked me to allow her to take out another policy on my life to cover our sons college fees etc should something happen to me. Has she forseen the future....is she predicting/going to determine it ...lol. I am really more concerned about what provision she has or has not made if I don't conveniently die....and how much the policy maybe for and the term....so we shall see.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...x