Hi All,

I haven't experienced alot of backlash for being gay like some of our members. Other than losing a few "so called friends", I have been spared persecution. However, it's one thing for me to have to deal with other's prejudice, but it hurts when my children are faced with dealing with the consequences of me being gay.

My daughter, Jessica is a junior in High School and has been best friends with a girl, I'll call, "Amy", since middle school. These girls have spent tons and tons of time back in forth in both homes and the girls have even gone on family vacations with each other.

Anyway, when I first moved from the house, the younger 2 kids were with me 3 nights of the weeks. My daughter and I noticed that any time she invited her best friend over..."Amy" seemed to always have a reason she couldn't come. Finally, one day, Jess asked her about it and discovered that my ex wife had some conversation with "Amy"s mother at some point during with our seperation. Not only did she inform her I was gay (actually, she advertised it to everyone), but apparently made up several lies, making me out as some immoral pervert. Of course, this left "Amy's" parents unwilling to allow their child to visit at our apartment. Don't get me wrong, Jessica is still welcome to visit at "Amy's" home and they still hang out alot at the mall...movies...etc...

Over this past year, the kids decided they wanted to live with me. I bought the ex wife's portion of our house and remodeled / redecorated. For a few months now, Jessica has been wanting "Amy" to come over and see all the changes. Finally, she came over one night last week. However, the girls spent alot of time discussing "Amy's" parents reluctance to allow her to visit and how Amy gets in a huge fight everytime she suggests coming to our home.
"Amy" has asked me not to talk to her parent's because they have told her not to discuss the conversation they had with my exwife.

What do I do, if anything? I just hate seeing the girls having to struggle over lies my exwife has told and/or the fact that I'm gay.

Time. It will take time. How great that Amy finally did come over to visit Jessica. That's good news. Is there any way that you can set some time to meet with your ex wife? Communicating how hurt the two of you feel and what you are both going through might help. I think. We as parents set examples on how we deal with issues. Respect for one another could be a start. Regardless of what was said or done in the past. I think both parents are important in a child's life.

Handsome,

Thanks for your response. And you are right...It really was nice to have "Amy" over. I am sad she has to fight with her parents to do so....

I guess, I should add; Jessica asked her mother if she spoke with her friend's parents...Her mom has initially denied it...but since recently discovering some of the exact comments...I think Jess is going back to have a followup....I, too, think I may need to speak with her mom...Maybe, all 3 of us.

Anyone have any thoughts !! Ugh !! I hate controversy !!!

I am not so sure if I would meet with your ex wife with your daughter Jessica. It may put your wife in an awkward situation in front of your daughter. It appears that there is some damage in communication with your ex wife that may need some repairing. I still think it might be best to meet with her on a one to one. Maybe she is feeling alienated? This is a very delicate situation. I think. Would it be right for me to say approach this issue kinda feminine in feeling rather than masculine at this point?

Just Jeff - a dilemma indeed. But I agree with Handsome...time and patience.

You stated that Amy and Jessica talked alot about her (Amy) getting in a huge fight with her parents regarding coming over. That being said it sounds like this is turning into a real learning experience for both Amy and Jessica. They will most likely come out of this with a much better understanding of discrimination and a probably even a deeper relationship between the two of them. As much as we try we cannot always shield our children from all the hostilies in the real world. (Heaven only knows that we all keep trying but the world can certainly be cruel.) Plus I would bet that both of the girls will continue to somehow stay together no matter what any of the parents say.

You stated that they are having difficulty understanding Amy's parents reluctance to allow her to come over to the house. And here time will be your biggest ally in this situation. My only suggestion in this area is to keep an open dialogue with Jessica and make sure that she is comfortable talking with you regarding any issues that come up with this situation. It sounds like Jessica and Amy know that you are aware of the difficulty Amy is having with her parents. Maybe you can open up a dialoge regarding how sometimes people don't know how to react when they are uncomfortable (don't really want to use the word ignorant here but something along those lines) regarding a situation (especially if they don't know any other gay people). What ever discussion you end up in with them just continue being supportive of their friendship - which sounds like you are very supportive. Your positive, understanding and supportive reaction to the situation will be what they will need at this time.

As far as the lies your ex made up. I have one question. Do you know exactly what she said? If you do then you might want to confront her and ask that she not continue these slanderous remarks because of the impact these remarks are having on your(her) daughter. Jessica obviously sees that these are stories and will understand that her mother is lying but will not understand why. However, if you don't know exactly what was said OR if you think it would jeopardize your daughters friendship with Amy then I would not react to these lies and continue to live your moral and good life as you always have.

Most importantly remember that your daughter and her friend will be judging you on what you do and not on what they hear. They will also be judging your ex and Amy's parents the same way. They will make up their own minds regarding what is good and what is not, and what is true and what is not. And ultimately they will be just fine. They sound like great kids.

BTW - You sound like a really great dad too!

Best Regards,

Alex

I think that I may also have a suggestion for you to maybe eliviate certain problems that your daughter's friend's parents may have.
To clear the air and to clear any misconceptions that the parents have about you, why not invite them over to discuss the matter. Let them see the person you really are through their eyes, not through the eyes of your ex wife. They may have fears, they may have prejudgements about you, but by inviting them over, you will be able to show them that you are as sane, rational, and normal as they are. I have gone through the gay discrimination thing, and now I must say that after my neighbours got to know me in person, and not just the fact that I am gay, things changed in my neighbourhood for the better. People need to get to know you for who you are, not just for your orientation!!

Why was it that your kids decided to move back with you? That seems a huge thing. I think there is a significant notion of motherhood being more central to parenting that fatherhood in society. It must have been a real 'vote of non-confidence' in your ex-wife - or perhapsshe took it that way. No wonder she may be angry etc. Beyond the 'gay dad' thing I think that dads in general are pretty under rated.

Hi Dado1,

Sorry, I somehow missed your response....please forgive me.

You ask a good question about the children's decision to live with me.

Originally, when I moved out, I mistakenly made the decision for the children that they should live with their mom. I thought keeping the kids in the house with their mom would be less disruptive. Within a couple of months of the separation, it became apparent that my exwife was not coping well as a single parent. She began dating pretty quickly. I think it was some attempt to validate herself as a woman since feeling so rejected by me.

There was even a situation in which my former wife went out after work....not telling the kids where or what she was doing. The kids called me at 8 PM, and told me they had no idea where their mom was and they were hungry. I had just finished preparing dinner for my BF, at the time, which I packed up and drove to the house in the country. I stayed with the kids until their mom arrived and she produced a fast food bag of food for the children.

Over the next couple of years, the kids began staying with me more and more and the kids were asking if they could live with me and their, by now, older brother, whom I had adopted at this point. Additionally, the house I co-owned with the exwife was beginning to show signs of neglect. I, then, took the opportunity to make her an offer she couldn't refuse and I bought her out of the house. She moved about 15 miles away in a small city. I moved in with the kids and have been remodeling / redecorating since.