GayFatherhood

We do get some emails from time to time through our "Contact Us" link. It goes to gayfatherhood@gmail.com and from time to time we have requests from research students and even reality tv shows, looking for our point of view. And I usually pass these on to the rest of the group.

This one I've had for a while and I keep wondering how to ask, so I decided the best was to leave the girl's name out and just print her words.

Please respond to this post if you have some advice for this young lady who wants to help her father come out of the closet, especially to her.

Thanks! Here's her email:

I recently found out, totally by accident, that my dad is gay (or bi, but definitely seeing men). He's very much in the closet and has been his whole life. I just found out about two years ago, and I was shocked at first, but I really just want him to be happy. He and my mom are no longer together. Basically I want to let him know I know, and want to support him in living his life in a safe and happy way, and ideally I'd like to help him come out.

So I am wondering, do you guys know of any resources for children of closeted parents? I've looked all over the internet but can't find anything...and I really liked your website so I wanted to ask you for your thoughts on how I should approach this, and/or any resources. I know I can't be alone in this situation as an adult/older child of a closeted dad, but it's obviously not something I can talk to a lot of people about, since I don't want to invade his privacy if he's not ready to deal with it (he's from an older generation and I think this is really hard for him). He has sort of freaked out at hints I have dropped. But I really want to be able to help him and it's hard for me to see him unhappy.

Any advice or support group you could recommend to me? Hope this isn't all too long, or too inappropriate, but I thought you might be able to help. I hope to hear from you soon if possible.

Thanks for reading.

David,

I have a quick resource for her that might be of tremendous help, either simply from the web resources or even from a local chapter/group if she happens to live near one:

www.pflag.org which is Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbian and Gays.

I know they have some tremendous resources online and they seem to have local chapters in just about every state in the USA. If she's in another country, I'm not sure except she could maybe send this org an email and maybe they could direct her to something locally.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Cheers,

Jim

Wow !!!

This man has the best resource possible..HIS DAUGHTER !!!

If your relationship is close and open. Sit down and open up and reveal to him you know.

How lucky can a man be, to have a supportive daughter!!!

You are welcome, Vanity. I just know that I would be honored to have a daughter like you who cares so much about my own happiness.

I thought that this thread had gotten more responses than this. Ah well, I'm guessing the men here all know by instinct that you are on the right track. What follows is my two cents.

Yes, contacting PFLAG might prove helpful, but also a big resource for you would be COLAGE , (we also have links to these in our forums below) Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. I would bet that you could even find a few other kids with similar stories to yours.

A few other interesting resources for him might (also found in our Links section of the forum) be The Coming Out Guide for Gay Dads . Other links that you might find helpful are in the family resources on Gayfatherhood.com HERE .

Okay, some might disagree with me and say that you should be more direct, but I think there are advantages to what I am about to suggest. It might be a way to approach the subject without blowing your father's mind or giving him a nervous fit. See what you think...

Maybe start out with, "Dad, I need some advice." You'll have his attention on the spot, because those are words dads live to hear, especially when their children are getting independent enough to rarely say such things. Then try this old "My friend has a problem and I want to help her" story. He'll get the idea of course of where you are going with it, but the whole approach takes the pressure off him and allows him to say as much or as little as he is comfortable with at first. And if you turn out to be totally wrong, it gives him the opportunity to thank you but straighten things out.

It might go something like this. This friend is worried about her father. He's gay, she knows it. You might even mention the way which she found out if that "accident" wouldn't be too traumatic for him to hear about. Your friend loves him so much and wants him to know that it's okay and that she wants more than anything for him to be happy and at peace in his heart. It pains her that he feels a need to keep this quiet. She worries about him, etc...

And maybe conclude the the calming news to him, "I know if it were my father, I would want him to be happy and to be able to share his life and who he is with me without any fear. I would want him to know that he's still my dad and I love him, and I don't want to be left out of any part of his life."

I am not saying the method is perfect, but it might be a way to ease into the whole thing, and it might put his mind at ease as well.

Well, those are my thoughts. You are a wonderful young lady and I wish you and your lucky father all the best.

Yours,
David

PS I hope that it's okay that I am posting this response on the gayfatherhood.com site as well.

This was in response of course to her most recent email, which I copied here, without her name:

Thanks so much. I just read the responses. Very nice.

I didn't know if I should go to PFLAG, though, because (maybe this is a weird thing to wonder about) what if there were people there who knew my dad? Wouldn't I be taking a chance of outing him by going there and talking about it? (I live in the same city as my dad). So that's why I have been kind of trying to do this on the internet, and not talk to a lot of people I know about it b/c i don't want to take a chance of outing him by accident somehow if that would totally freak him out.

Her kind reply:

Wow - David, the "advice about a friend" thing - that is a GREAT solution. I never even thought of that but I think it is really the perfect way to go about this (bringing it up to let him know I love him and he can talk to me, without directly telling him that I know, if that would freak him out.)

I think I am going to try it the next time I go home. I will let you know how it goes.

Thank you so much for taking the time out to give me that advice. I would never have thought of it but I think it is perfect - it is a way of letting him know my feelings, and that I love him, but if it is really too much for him to handle the fact that I know (even though I am telling him I support him), he can choose to think that it really is about a "friend." And even if he does that it could still be a way for him to come out to me when he is ready, and something he would remember. And the way you worded the final statement about the calming news is so perfect. I would really like to say that to him so that he knows I feel that way - whether he decides to tell me or not after that, I would just like him to know that I feel that way.

Thanks so much. That is really good advice. I will check out PFLAG and your links, too.

I really appreciate all your help and your warm words and advice - it has meant a lot. Thanks so much. I'll let you know what happens.

hope you are well and thanks again.

So I told her what you fathers already know. I first heard the advice for a "friend" idea on the Brady Bunch! Or wait, maybe it was Leave it to Beaver...