It's been a while since I've heard of any "Coming Out" Stories of our members....So, I thought I would edit mine from a different post and open up the forum to see if anyone else would like to share about "Coming Out". I hope all of our life experiences will resonate and help someone with their journey to wholeness and health.

I lived about 37 years of my life, hiding the real me. I knew from my teenage years I was attracted to men. However, I came not only from a deeply religious background (Southern Baptist), my family was very clear how they felt about homosexuality, and let's say, "It wasn't positive or supportive". Therefore, I believed something was wrong with the way I felt and I had to overcome it. So overcoming "it" for me was to date lots of girls !

I thought I just had to choose and it was just easier to choose being straight. I did as all my friends did, and I married. It was one of the most cowardly and selfish things I have ever done. Part of me wants to say ,"The only good thing from the 17 year marriage, were the children", but, I really can't say that about my former marriage. Some good things occurred. I truly believe we (collectively)are who we are today, because of our life's experiences. However, I will say, that was an experience !!

For 17 years, I struggled with my feelings of homosexuality. I hid in religion, work, volunteering, friends, etc. I tried to keep myself so busy, I didn't have time to deal with me. It was no good ! One thing holds true for all of us. We can't hide from ourselves !!

Over time as the marriage became increasingly intolerable, I dated a couple of times. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's apart of my past and thank GOD, I've grown. Anyway, I did end up meeting a wonderful man, and after a period of time of "wonderfulness", he announced he was no longer going to be my "dirty little secret". I lost him. I was so ashamed to think that a person I cared for so much would feel that way. I determined never to let that happen again.

It wasn't long afterwards that my former wife realized that 1 + 1 doesn't = 3, and she confronted me in the most inappropriate manner. She, basically, brought our Sunday School Class to have an intervention!!! And as prep work for the conversation, she talked to my family and closest friends, confiding in them in the disguise of "prayer". However, she was surprised to learn that I was more than prepared for the conversation. I truly believe she thought I would fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness. I moved out that very afternoon. I took nothing but the clothes in my closet.

That cold, sunny, Sunday afternoon was probably one of the most memorable days of my life. It is right up there with the children's births, and adopting my oldest son ! I was free to be the man I was intended to be ! Don't get me wrong....I was totatlly shell shocked at first. My first and foremost concern was for the kids...And let me just say, our children are smarter than we give them credit. I would never say it wasn't hard for them to see the family they knew change at the blink of an eye, but I will say they are very, very resilient. The family we have become is so much happier !! In the beginning, the kids lived with me only a couple of days a week, but over time, they have chosen to live with me full time and they visit their mom on weekends.

The kids recognized I am still the same man I was before. They recognized I'm still the same dad, but better !! The hours we have talked and shared have been wonderful. I am so glad I didn't continue living in that situation, making my kids think that the marriage their mom and I had, was normal !!! And for my ex wife..She has met a man, who she seems to care for deeply and they will marry this year.

Is life a bed of roses now? Heck No !! I have developed a hardness for the Church in which I spent countless hours. In fact, I have a rather sad view of the Christian Church universal.

Am I altogether whole. Gosh no, it's a lifelong process !! I began journalling after coming out. It's a wonderful outlet. Gayfatherhood.com has been a wonderful outlet to read and share about the journey of other gay dads.

Jeff

Hi Jeff,

I think many guys can relate to your story one way or another. We know the pressures family and society place on people to conform, not be different...and at what cost.

You have a great life now, like me in that the kids live with you half of the time but would have it more than that.... no doubt they care for their Mom and don't want to hurt her.

I don't have the spiritual struggle you have, or many do , it's the same here in Ireland. I was once a spiritual young man, and was baptized in the Baptist church when at university....but it changed nothing, the 'burden wasn't lifted' certainly not my knowledge that I was gay and I am glad, because to day I couldn't be happier with myself than I am now.

I trust GF.com is still a help to guys, a haven where we can chat, share and support one another. I have found great life long friendship with members here. David our founding father( ) is my dearest friend in the world, and I look forward to seeing him again this summer when our families vacation together.

Life is way to short people....get out there and live it with integrity and joy, we make our own luck, and in doing so share some of that with the ones we love.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..xx

Hi Vince,

Thanks for you response. It caused me to look back over what I wrote. I need to be more careful and review what I say before I post. However, in my defense...I most often am writing late at night when things get quiet at the office and my "faculties" aren't at their peak !! LOL !!

I think I should have continued the post a little further by saying:

No...Life isn't always a bed of roses...but after the initial transition into being a single, gay parent and being "out", I would have it no other way. I'm living an honest life with myself and those around me.

My life is full and very busy with the responsibilities of being a parent of 3 kids. I would have it no other way.

Coming OUt is the most popular subject at the Gay Fathers Group in Atlanta. There's always a new guy who needs to hear about others stories or ask advice for coming out. My coming out was well received compared to some and brought into question at that time why I had waited so long. I now realize that it was because that was what was supposed to happen and in the time that it was supposed to happen. I was 37, well connected in my very small hometown where I had lived my whole life. I was a leader in my church, involved with and a leader in several civic organizations. Long story short, I had asked my wife for divorce based on "irreconcilable differences" and was leaving the "gay card" out of it. It was early December and we were intending to wait until after the holidays so as not to totally disrupt our families and children. A month later when we had the "discussion" about divorce she asked me when I knew I was gay. She had learned a lot in a month including who I was "seeing" at the time. She wasn't particularly angry because she had some time to think but she was hurt. From that point we both dealt with all the stages of grief several times. There was anger, despair, you name it. Because she had shared with several of our closest friends and her family before she asked me about it I knew I had to work fast to come out, and I did telling everyone I was close to. I was amazed at the friends I kept, and looking back, most of the ones I lost have come back and the ones who haven't I don't miss. There's a lot of "blanks" here for some good AND bad experiences but I wanted to share a couple of things that I learned and advice I was given that made my life so much better.
1. How long have you known you were gay and do you REALLY expect others to accept you in a day/week/month when you couldn't accept yourself for years?
2. Don't ask folks to accept, ask them to just continue to love you as they always have. Tell them if acceptance comes eventually GREAT, but you aren't rushing that.
3. Remember that you were still a "work in progress" living as a straight man and that you won't completely come into your own as a gay man in a short time period. Give yourself time to know who you are before expecting to present yourself to the world in any as a whole person. Let them see that you are still learning and trying to figure out the whole thing. This was the hardest part for me and its the main reason why someone in the early months of coming out should try to avoid a serious relationship (in my opinion).
4. Get involved. The best way to find out more about the gay community is to get involved. That can mean many things. If you are in a small town, then find the nearest place or even start a group of your own.
5. Lean on someone. Come on you might be a man, but you ARE a gay man..lol. Men don't like to 'share' but this is a time to talk. Online buddies, local friends, or family members...who cares but let someone be your shoulder when you need it.

I hope these random thoughts help. I know these were my first thoughts when deciding how to post on here.
Hugs, Billy (Facilitator, Gay Fathers of Atlanta)

Hey Billy - thanks for sharing your thoughts on this site. I have been around this site for a while now am glad to hear that you actually facilitate a group on a regular basis. How did you start to do that? I live in Ny and would really like to get a group like that going. I think that this kind of group would really work here. We should talk sometime.

Here is my response to your items you addressed (by number) in your response.
1. Totally agree. It took me 40 years to accept I am gay so why would I think people I know would accept me overnight.
2. I think there is nothing wrong with asking for acceptance. But you make a great point about asking for the love not to change.
3. I disagree with avoiding a serious relationship. I came out and fell in love within 18 months of coming out. Best experience of my life. I met a person who helped me more than I could ever have dreamed of during my coming out period right after my divorce. Even though we are no longer together I learned so much from him and am grateful for the time we had.
4. Definately get involved. I got involved with volunteering as a group facilitator for HIV postiive men. I am still doing it and am grateful to have met so many wonderful gay folks. I have some really good friends as a result of getting involved. Helped me get centered about who I was early on.
5. Definately find someone to lean on. I was lucky to find someone I knew for while and actually we both came out at the same time. He was about half my age but we became really good friends becuase we were able to lean on each other.

Billy - you sound like you know what where you have been and enjoy where you are at. Kudos to you. Would like to hear more from you...I think you can really add to the site. Lets keep in touch.

Alex

Billy,

Reading about your story, it was almost a footprint of mine. Quiet amazing...Your advice to anyone thinking about coming out, is excellent !!

Thanks so much for sharing.

Jeff

hey guys,

I came out Last Thanksgiving to my wife and plan to tell my 14 yo this weekend and my older boy who is off at school next week when I visit him.

As I think about what I'm going to say to my two sons, I'm asking myself about what my goals are in these conversations. I'm seeing my goals as three-fold:

1. I'm 48 yo and I'm gay, it's only right they know this about me.
2. Nothing about my being gay will ever change my love for them.
3. To help them prepare for the next family conversation we plan to have (now that school is out for the summer) where we will address the divorce my wife and I have been planning for this summer and their Mom's new house where they will be living.

Do you have other recommendations of things to address with them when I come out to them? I want to keep it simple and real but I also recognize this is a critical conversation and dont want to miss a key point. Rick

Hey Rick - the most important thing to remember is to be yourself. Just keep loving them the way you always have. They will most likely suprise you just like mine surprised me.

I was 46 when I came out and divorced. Telling my three daughters that I am gay was much easier than I ever thought and much less of a major event for them (but certainly was a major even for me though).

Your third point is going to be the more difficult area to deal with.

You sound like an awesome guy and a great dad. Your life is just taking on a new aspect. Good luck to you and your family!

Keep in touch - Alex