I am looking for advice on this topic, so I hope somebody has some advice or personal experiences to share!

I was never planning to come out to my kids until (unless) I was in a relationship with somebody I wanted them to meet. I am not in a relationship and don't actually anticipate being in one any time soon. I do have an occaissional date, but I am rather skitish about a relationship anyway... still healing wounds from the past. However, I must be more comfortable with being a gay man because I am getting questions now, especially from my pre-adolescent daughter.

I have begun to develop a circle of friends, gay male friends, whom my kids are aware of. I have not specifically told my kids that most of my male friends are gay, but I have told them I have friends who are gay. I did so a while back because I got tired of their use of the word "gay" in a derogatory way, much the way we used the words "dork" and "nerd" in the 70's or 80's to describe someone when they did something we considered uncool, lame or stupid.

As far as I can recall, my kids have only met one of my gay friends, and he is very masculine and half in the closet and does not come across as gay (neither do I). However, I do get phone calls from gay male friends that I take in front of my kids, and I do tell them about things I do in my life with my male friends (lunch, dinner, poker, movies, concerts, etc.). I don't hide much from my kids, (just that I am attracted to men and have sex with men. '; )

Anyway, my kids, especially my oldest daughter,ask me the following questions on a regular basis when one of my friends call, or a name or activity comes up:

1. How do you know him Dad?
2. Is he married?
3. Has he ever been married?
4. Does he have kids?

I have also had the comments made:

1. Why do you have so many gay friends? To which I vaguely respond something like: "Not all my friends are gay"
2. Are you ever going to date (women) again? To which I always respond "No, I doubt it".
3. The previous question is usually followed by "Why? Don't you want to get married again?" To which I usually respond, "No, I don't, your mother was the only woman I ever wanted to be married to"

OK, so I have not told any lies, but I haven't exactly leveled with them. I've been vague.

Who do you think I am really trying to protect, them or me?

Should I just bite the bullet and tell them?

The best reason I have for not telling them is I am not exactly comfortable being gay... long story... not anything anyone has not heard before. So, why tell them I am gay when truth be told, I still wish I wasn't - even though I know not to be gay is an impossibility?

Even without a relationship, I know I am still gay... because I naturally end up making friendships, platonic friendships, with only gay men. I have more friends now than I have ever had in my life! All gay of course.

So, maybe I tell them "Look, Dad's gay. Being gay for Dad has been hard for me to accept, and truth be told, it's the reason the marriage to your mom ended. I'm still trying to get used to it myself, and try to figure out how to live my life. Right now, it does not include another man as a life partner, and I don't know if it ever will. But, some day it might. One thing I know for sure, I am not capable of having a relationship with a woman, so that's not going to ever happen. I still miss your mom, and wish we could be friends, but that's probably not going to happen either. So, if you have any questions, we can talk about it, and I will try to help you understand it all as much as I can. But all you need to know, is I am still the same Dad, and I love you all very much, and that will never change no matter what"

Ok, whew. That was right brain thinking there guys. So anyway... just bite the bullet? I hate for them to hear it some place else, and I know their mother has told more people than she is willing to admit.

Once I tell them... then what? I don't want them to feel like they need to keep a secret, but I don't want them to be rejected by their peers, etc. or be embarrassed that Dad is gay.

Thanks guys, I am counting on hearing your wisdom!

David

(alphapax)

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

It sounds like you know what you want to do already. I, like you, wanted to tell them before they heard it from some other source. In my case it went very well. The younger generation is not so inflexible as ours.

Perhaps there is an advantage in telling them at this time of your life when you do not have a relationship. This way there can never be the confusion that you left their mother for a man, or that you were led astray... I know you've had the religious issues to deal with too. This way, at this time, you may appear more rational and it may be easier for them to get used to the concept before there is another person in their lives as your partner.

Also there is the benefit of being as honest as possible with them. Sure, no kid needs to know all that happens in the bedroom, but that's true whether it's straight or gay situations, so that argument doesn't hold up. They are already asking, so maybe it's time you lovingly answer?

I think some variation on your right brain thinking might be the way to go; the paragraph that started with "So, maybe I tell them "Look, Dad's gay."

There will be issues to deal with along the way. But there are issues and questions even if you were straight and dated a woman again. Whatever you do, you will do it with care and wisdom. You've taken a great deal of time to think about this and you'll never know what will happen until it happens.

My advice is to go forward and tell them. You may find the monsters of fear and worry less scary once you've sapped them of their power. And what happens, you will deal with. Good luck, my friend.

David