Hello, I just joined the group. I am in the NW suburbs of Chicago and a newbie to this. Any tips on coming out to your kids? Our divorce is fresh and I will be moving out soon. The Gay games are having their rowing event in our town this weekend. I dont want to hurt my kids, but i want to be truthful, finally. Please help. Does anyone live out my way, it would be nice to speak to people in our situation and make some friends. Thanks

Hello and welcome!


I can only relate to you my story in coming out to my kids and how I handled it.

First off, let me just give you a little background. I was married for almost 15 years and had a fairly rough divorce. My daughters are now 15, 10 and 5.

With the concurrance and support of my own therapist and support of many good friends, I knew it was something I wanted to control and not allow my ex to disparage me as my kids grew into teenagers. The easy thing for me is that I've not had a long term relationship so I haven't had to deal with that aspect.

With that said, I was determined to be honest with my kids and not wait until they were suddenly exposed to a bf when I told them I was gay. During the Christmas holiday of 2004, I took them out of town and one evening sat them down and (I was nervous as all get-out!) told the two oldest girls that I am gay, simply said it like that....my oldest daughter was kind of stunned but we immediately began to talk a little about it. She said she would have NEVER guessed but that it was ok with her, didn't change anything. My younger daughter said basically, oh well, doesn't really matter to me. I was really kind of stunned that it seemed so easy. But it really was. The hard part was yet to come.

No sooner than I'd returned the girls home did I get a stinging email from the ex. She went absolutely nuclear. In hindsight, I think she went off the deep end simply because that was a trump card that she thought she held with our daughters and now it had disappeared overnight. She even paid to have her lawyer write my lawyer a scathing letter, but the reality was there's nothing anyone could do about this. In a very polite way, my lawyer wrote back and told them to f* off.

Now, I occaisionally remark to my oldest daughter that I think someone is hot or good looking, she laughs, tells me they're too old (and they are about 25 yrs old!).

With all this said, let me just throw out this disclaimer: what worked for me and my kids might not necessarily work for others. How and when you approach this topic depends first and foremost on your relationship with your kids. I have always had a very close relationship with my daughters. I've also heard horror stories about guys who tell their 17 or 18 year old son or daughter who then won't have anything to do with them. But again, it depends on the situation.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck with this issue. I'm sure everyone here who's experienced this would be more than happy to lend an ear.

Cheers.

Jim

Jim, thanks for your situation and comments. i hope mind will go that way. My oldest is 13. I am close with them and hope it will be the same. We are handling the divorce part first and then the other aspect.

Dave

Hey Dave,

You're doing the right thing, I believe, by allowing your kids to deal with the divorce before dealing with the coming out issue. But, I wouldn't tarry too long about that, though you have to do this in your own time.

It's been proven time and time again around here that the sooner the kids know, the easier it is for them to deal with it.... and, honestly, it's not that big a deal depending on your individual circumstances....

Sure, guys with kids who have been raised in a very restrictive religious environment find it more difficult.... and I respect the extra effort that requires.... For myself, I explained my sexuality to my daughter when she was four or five... and she grew up in a very liberal household... it's a non issue... I realize I'm lucky in that respect but the bottom line remains the same... how have you raised your children? Have they been taught to be accepting and loving? Or, have they been taught to find fault and be judgmental? I'm in no way attacking you or your method of raising your children, but there's one very basic truth I always go back to:

My best friend who started this site worked out how to be a healthy gay man despite his fundamentalist beliefs... and he remains a very good and admirable man while maintaining a good and admirable relationship with his partner and remaining an excellent father to his three boys. I think I do the same .... we must all try to be the best that we can be, and it's hard... lots of temptations out there to be less than that.. but, would we want that for our children when they are adults?

And, most importantly, we want our children to be always honest with us.... why should we give them any less than that same respect...

So, take your time, buddy... but know that the sooner you get over this hurdle, the sooner you will have a more open, healthy relationship with your kids.

All the best,

Smokey