Wow, I guess it pays to look back over your previous posts. January 5, 2006 I wrote a post about how I could not emotionally accept being gay called "Reluctant Outing" Well... I guess I must be a hell of a lot farther down the road than I was a year ago. In fact... most of the anxiety I had about being gay and not seeing a future for myself seems to have disipated for the most part.

Here are some significant updates which maybe will inspire someone else who might read my posts to realize that we can choose to move forward in life...

A year ago I guess I really was hoping I could get back with my ex-wife because I missed being "a family"... Dad, mom and kids. Well, two months after that post my ex started dating a guy whom she now plans to marry this summer. Wow... who would have seen that coming? Personally, I think she is rushing it... but I guess its her life... GOOD LUCK!

How could my attitude change? Well, probably because life the last year with her has been an unpleasant HELL. LOL. She has been so intent on landing her new, rather well off, husband that she has blown off the kids. I'm not happy about that... but it's only resulted in my kids growing even closer to me. I guess that is an unfortunate "win" for me... but a "loss" for us all.

Also, in the post a year ago, I mentioned how I was still in love with my ex-wife, but nobody else could understand why. HELLO! The light bulb finally popped up over my head... and I realized this woman has not only been manipulating me for almost 20 years... but she is an absolute chronic liar! She lies about anything and everything from the important to the simplest and most ridiculous things. People now have confided in me some of the manipulative lies she told me during our marriage that I was blind enough not to see. I finally realize I was so confused and stressed out for so much of the marriage because my ex-wife was always lying and changing the story, or manipulating things, and then blaming me for "forgetting", or "not paying attention". Why on earth it took me so long to realize the only person on EARTH that I had this problem with is HER is beyond me! I guess love, sometimes, truly is blind!

And finally... I seem to have made tremendous progress on the whole religion issue. Sure... the fundamentalists will say I am being misled by sin... but, I don't think so. I have pretty much stepped away from organized religion. I still pray. I still believe in God or a higher power. I am still spiritual. But I am no longer Religious. All it took was for my ex-wife to file for the Annulment required for her to remarry in the Roman Catholic Church and all of the malarchy I had been overlooking for so many years reached that tipping point on the BS scale. I won't even begin to get started on what a ridiculous farce the whole Annulment process is! All she had to do was read me the questions they ask... intimate sexual questions... and I realized how messed up the Church is. After speaking to a Priest about the process, he only reinforced how ridiculous and hypocritical the process is. And then, finally, the statement made to my a few years ago by one of my closest gay friends, a former Franciscan Monk, finally all came rushing home. "My God is bigger than the God of organized religion". Amen brother! So is mine. Life is a personal spiritual Journey... and organized religion today only impedes the journey.

There are brighter tomorrows.

God Bless You All,

David (Alphapax)

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Wow, David! I remember some of our chats a while back and the fears that you had. This really is heartening to read. Thank you so much for coming back and giving us an update.

I'd like to come back to this and reflect more soon, but it seems I'm always reading here when I should be getting ready for work!

Hugs and thanks!