Hi, Heph here.
Regarding “missing the boat”, I read the several posts between some of the members and hope that I can provide some help and insight, here, regarding the fear of "missing the boat" :-)!
I am probably one of only a few gay grandfathers on the site. I have one married daughter and three grandchildren ages 5, 2, and a recently born. I am currently in my third marriage having been married first to a woman for five years, then to Tom for twenty three years until his death to pancreatic cancer in 1999, and now for five years to Rudy my current significant other.
I am “out” and have been “out” in all appropriate areas of my life and as much as any family is able to accept homosexuality and homosexual relationships I am accepted. There are problems but that is why I am here. Problems come in all relationships good and bad.
I am floating around in my fifties not young or even sure of middle age and yet not old either. Age does not necessarily bring wisdom but it does bring experience and it is to this I speak. Rather than go through a long tirade, I would prefer to list some attributes, behaviors, experiences; whatever that I think I can offer to help, here, in this discussion about “missing the boat”-my words.
-Life is neither fair nor equal. There are small, middle, and big- too tall, too short, and just right- skinny, fat, and in-between- muscular and flabby- you get my point. Whatever the reality, that is what you have to work with and it is your decision what you will do with it. Make the best of what you have. Don’t expect to find a relationship if you don’t work on you first. I don’t mean the physical entirely. I also mean the person. I have been putting on and taking off the same five pounds all of my life and will continue to do so. I will continue to bitch about it but I will do it. I trim my beard. I have a nose and ear trimmer-when you hit 40 this is a must. I bath or shower. I look the best I can. I pay attention to my dress. I try to present a package [no pun intended] that builds my self esteem and might attract someone else other than Attila the Hun. Attila is perfectly acceptable for anonymous sex when you are acting out your fantasies but I don’t recommend a long term relationship. I cultivate my personality and my mind. I have a life. Don’t expect anyone to want to share your life if you don’t have one. By the way Vince and Jim, absolutely none of this is referring to you. I left that awhile ago. This is strictly about me and my efforts to not “miss the boat”. Everyone, take what you need and leave the rest. Those of you in your twenties probably are still not sure how to discern one boat from a fleet. LOL
-You can not find a relationship or a partner unless you fish for one. If you’re waiting for it to happen in some kind of a romance novel, lots of luck. You have to make luck. Although meeting Mr. Right does usually happen, I find, when you least expect it, my point is you have to be in the middle of the road if you want to get run over! Put it out there and for God’s sake look your best for the traffic accident! Didn’t your mother ever tell you to wear underwear just in case you are in an accident? Join things you like to do- sports, bridge, bowling leagues, poetry groups, whatever will kill two birds with one stone-that is give you a life and get you around men. It does not have to always be a gay group but why not? I do not suggest a ladies’ quilting bee, however.
-Cruise! That’s right. If you are single and looking learn the rules so you can break them. Fit your cruising to your moral tenets. If you are not comfortable with certain “hot spots” then avoid these but find some sort of a “hot spot”. You’re online. There are sites that link people up not just for orgies but coffee dates only. Just don’t keep it at home in a chastity belt. Sex has a purpose other than to make children. It is fun! Sure you may “miss the boat” but you don’t have to miss the cruise! LOL!
-Set realistic expectations. When you become perfect expect him to be perfect. You both can iron out the wrinkles as you go and maybe all the wrinkles will never stay flat but in every relationship the washing and ironing has to get done!
Fact, in my opinion- Let us say you are at a party and you walk into a room oozing men. There is a man at the opposite side of the room who is “hot”-the right body, the right pose, the right chemistry. He has you riveted. Not only is he dressed well and does not look like “street trade”, he is everything you have gotten all dolled up for. I know, you only dress for yourself. Get over that! Now on the opposite side of the room is this guy. He’s dressed appropriately enough [although what is he thinking with those shoes!-and you will eventually have to change the hair!]. He has a nice enough body-maybe could loose five pounds. He looks like he has a mind. He looks clean and this is not “slumming night” so that’s OK. BUT, he just doesn’t fit that romantic ideal. You can not really put your finger on it but he is not the more attractive of the two. In my opinion, and given my experience with men [I have an Eagle Scout badge!], if I were you, I would cross the room and walk directly up to the second most attractive! Trust me “Hon”. He may be your next husband. LOL! Let the other guy do another one night stand.
-Depending upon which you are, marry the guy who shares some of your interests but is your opposite in one important respect. If you are “complicated” marry a simple, uncomplicated man. If you are simple and uncomplicated search out a challenging, complicated, bitch like me! I have never preferred intense, complicated, heavy thinkers like myself. I find a complicated man that matches me will keep me up all night debating or talking seriously about what the relationship needs when behind my mask all I really want right then is to get laid.
-Shut up and listen. If you have just met someone keep some boundaries and listen. Make sure before you leap but remember don’t set unrealistic expectations. Don’t make lists of things you don’t like. Make lists of things you do like. The don’ts always seem bigger than the dos when you are doing a critique. That is the definition of a critique to some extent. Chances are you can find a perfect silver pattern far more easily than you can find a perfect man.
-When you are sure, commit. Go into therapy if you have trouble with trust and committing but don’t lose a good man because of your fears. When it is a “go” ,get mutual life insurance policies, or living wills, or mutual property, or a mutual poodle, whatever but share things that are bonding. Do not remain islands unto yourselves always ready should things go wrong to cut and run. If you are in a holding pattern after a suitable time chances are they are wrong already. Why do you think Bush and the right wing are against gay marriages? It isn’t about moral issues entirely or even IMO mostly. It is about the fact that marriage in a democracy that should separate religion and state is in reality a legal partnership involving money, tax deductions, medical issues, etc. There are ways in which gays can create a legal marriage without any ceremonies. By all means have a “wedding” if you want but more importantly after a year of so with any major purchases together like a home, a car, a boat [now that you have not missed it] then “get thee to a lawyer”. Let me repeat that: Get thee to a lawyer.
-This brings up the issue of what I call “power”. Should you find yourself in a relationship, insist that it is respected by family, friends, community, and the government. Don’t ask for what is your right. Insist on it. Protect your union. More than two in three fortune 500 companies now offer domestic partnership benefits. Use them. No one in the workplace, where by the way the rules are different needs to know your business but the benefits department! If you feel safe in the work place by all means come out, but if not then don’t. If you own communal property protect it with a will, joint ownership, living wills, etc. That oh so loving family of his may not be so oh so loving and accepting when he dies. Life insurance is not subject to death taxes. I think you get the message. Now as to why, and what this has to do with power. When you insure your life for the sake of the one you love you are saying I care what happens to you should I die. When you bequeath things to your partner in the event of your death you are saying to him while you are alive that this is a union that is blessed not just spiritually but in the eyes of the state and its laws. You are committing. Now, here, is where power really comes into play. You make if very clear to everyone that “my husband”, your step dad, your gay son in law, etc. is a reality. He is to be respected as what you are defining as your “family” and your “marriage”. I have found that not only does this empower my significant other it actually makes it easier for everyone involved. My family knows exactly what to expect. So does his. Everyone’s feelings have been taken into account. All the loved ones are getting what I consider a fair bequest. I have eliminated doubt, set boundaries, garnered respect, etc. And I have given the union “power”.
I’ll shut up now. I have meant to offend no one. Nothing, here, is directed at anything anyone has said other than the phrase “missed the boat”. I have loved and lost. I love again. I would not have changed a thing. Thanks for listening. I hope that if you have met someone that you have a long and happy relationship. I hope that if you have not met someone that you will. And I hope that if you do “miss the boat” it won’t be for want of not knowing how to swim. Regards, Heph

Hey Guys -

Heph - thank you. Your post is not only very insightful and entertaining but it reminded me of some very good points. In short, I'm not the young muscley hunk I used to be. Ugh.

So, I was fortunate to sail on several boats when I was younger and had some very good adeventures along w some bad ones. In fact, up until the time I was about 30, I had spent over 90% of my 'adult' (starting at age 18) gay life being married. By the time I was 30, I had a four year then seven year relationship under my belt. One more mis-match followed in my thirties.

However, I now seem to have 'crossed over'. My dating experiences for about the last six years have not been good. No only have I missed the boat, I am at the train station. LOL

More bothersome, I seeem to be getting 'bitter' about the dating thing and don't like it so I try to keep a sense of humor. Hey, anyway, all of those efforst in the last six years or so trying to 'raise' a husband have given me Great experience for my son.

So, I took off on the path of gay fatherhood Alone at about age 42. Not only do I again feel like a pink elephant, but I feel like a pink elephant at a penguin party. Singe - adopted a US kid - adopted a Teen (age 14 - not 16). I don't even seem to be 'accepted' by other gay dads - very odd. Bio dads don't seem to be interested (they have 'their' kids - and foster kids are 'different'). Gay adoptive or surrogate dads are Totally baffled by my adopting a teen. Finally, gay men who do want children certainly aren't interested in a teen and most of them that want kids want a young child (even if they have to pay $90K to get it or go half way around the world to bring one back). It's very confusing to me.

So where does that Honestly leave me? I keep hoping. I hit the online dating sites (and havent' really found a good one for dads or for a dad like me). And I keep rminding my friends family coworkers to introduce me to someone.

I did finally get to the point where I figured I don't 'need' a relationship and that I will be fine if I in fact am single that rest of my life. However, I Much prefer to be 'married'.

Ok, I've run out of speed and spew so I'll stop (for now).

Advice or Viewpoints I may have overlooked?

Cheers - randy (randy55410@yahoo.com)