GayFatherhood

Hi All,

I've been out for a few years....but have little experience with dating guys because I'm a full time dad...the kids live with me. My days have been filled with work and being a dad.

About 8 weeks ago...I very unexpectedly got involved with a guy. At first...I went out with him, with him not meeting the kids...but after a few dates...he seemed interested in meeting them. The kids in return were curious about him. The meeting couldn't have been better. The kids and he really hit it off...For about 8 weeks now....we, all, have spent alot of time together. However, the kids have been visiting their grandarents in another state for 2 weeks. Recently, My former BF has been experiencing alot of stress within his business of late...and I've seen a side of him that I don't like nor will tolerate. I ended the relationship this weekend.

Does anyone have any experience talking to the children about breakups? I'm sad....but I think the kids will be sad too. My parenting skills tend to have me being pretty open and honest.

Any thoughts?

Jeff

Hello Jeff,

I’ve dated quite a few guys over the past 16 years or so of being separated from the ex-wife and being out as a gay man. As a general rule, I did not introduce my daughter to any of my “dates,” since most of the relationships involved were short lived, e.g. less than three months. I did not introduce my daughter to anyone I was dating until after the 3-month mark, and more often than not, closer to the six-month “anniversary.” I did this for two reasons, one she was quite young for most of my “dating” period. (I stopped dating when she was around 13 or 14 to focus solely on this very energetic and busy teenager. Plus by age 15 I was dealing with her loss of eyesight issues and life was simply too intense for me to even think about trying to introduce someone else to it all.) The second reason I kept my dating separate from my daughter was because of the nature of “dating.” Most of it is short term, days, weeks, maybe months, before one or the other moved on, and I didn’t think it fair to introduce her to a parade of individuals she might meet once or twice and never see again.

That being said, I found myself in your shoes twice: once at the end of a four year relationship and again at the end of a nine-month one. She was about 10 or 11 when the four year relationship ended. She was not particularly close with my boyfriend at the time. Mostly the two of them ignored each other. (Thinking back on it, this should have been a big read flag to me. Ah…but I was in love!) I was VERY distraught at the end of this relationship, and I can honestly say that SHE was more of a support for me than I was for her! I would be sad or pouting in some manner, and she’d come up to me and ask me if I was sad. When I would respond yes, she would put her arm around my shoulder and say: “Poor Daddy.” This would usually make me cry. At one point she did ask if we would ever see “B” again. I said no. She just sort of accepted that and went on her way. After the second break up with “J,” things were a bit different. She was older then, maybe 13 or so, and they had a wonderful relationship. They would, on occasion, go out shopping together, just the two of them. “J” told me it was to give me a break, me being a single parent and all. And he said he enjoyed her company. Kristen also said that she enjoyed going shopping with “J.” When that ended, I was not nearly so devastated. I saw it coming for a while. I was sad, of course, that things hadn’t worked out after our nine months together, but he had made some choices that were signals that we couldn’t carry on as we had been doing. Kristen was sad about this break-up. She asked a similar question: “Would SHE ever see ‘J’ again?” When I told her no, this was upsetting to her, but not too terribly devastating. We more or less went along with business as usual.

I don’t have any advice, per se, regarding how to break this to your own children. I know that you and they have a very open and honest relationship. I would think the telling will be the most difficult part for you. After that, just answer their questions honestly, within their ability to understand at their ages.

I have found that now that my daughter is dating at age 18 (UGH! That is a whole ‘nother story! ), I find that she comes to me for dating advice! Man, like I know enough about boys and men to answer all the questions! Sheesh, if I did, I wouldn’t still be single! LOL!

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Paul

Hey Jeff - about 9 months ago my partner and I of 7 years ended our relationship and he was very well liked by my 3 daughters. In fact he was a third dad for them (me, my ex, and my ex-wife's husband). They were all very very sad regarding the breakup. They would like to see him again since they always had a good time when we were all together.

The breakup has caused me (and is still causing) heartache now and then but it really is for the better for both of us...or at least that is the only way to really look at it.

My children have always been very supportive of me and my choices so every now and then we would talk about the breakup. I am very careful not to devulge too much negative stuff since I want them to still see my ex-partner as the good guy that he really is. I don't want to villify him in any way since neither one of us are "the bad guy". It was just two good guys that broke up.

My youngest (now 21) was going through her own break up and we actually were going through it at the same time so we actually helped each other. My oldest could care less since she is in a troubled relationship (at least as far as I am concerned) and was focused on her own problems even though she too was sad. And my middle daughter was very supportive of me since she lost her finace (death) just prior to her plan to marry (a whole other story). So it was a tad different reaction for each based on where they are at and what they have experienced but all were sad to loose who they considered family. They all nonetheless had to accept that people they love (and they loved my ex-partner as much as they loved any other family member) are no longer in their life. But they certainly were able to understand it.

It is a reality of life and it is better than staying in a relationship that is not healthy.

Best to you,
Alex

HI Guys,

Thanks so much for your comments and support.....The Kids are fabulous and have adjusted quite well back into our "normal" routine...

Thanks so much !!

Jeff

I'm sorry I didn't get back in time to say anything helpful, but Jeff you've got a good head on your shoulders and some good brothers here who gave some great advice. I'm glad things with the kids are okay. These things are never easy and try as we might we cannot shield them from all we would like to I suppose.

Love and hugs.
David