GayFatherhood

For years I have debated is is better to just be a dad, and only concentrate on my sons, or should I continue the search of a man who will accept me and my kids. I am not a bad looking guy, and have had offers from guys. Only problem is that I am not a one night stand type of guy, who jumps from sac to sac. I want to give my boys a good example of what a relationship is and what love is. Every time I try though, I find out that the man I choose, has pulled the wool over my eyes and wants just a tumble in the hay or wants me without having my boys in the picture.
Where are all the good men out there hiding? Are there guys out there who are truly interested in having a meaningful relationship, with a gay father?? Does true love have to be so elusive?? I would love to hear from a kindred spirit out here, who has lived through this and can help me believe that love is not so elusive as I feel.

Dear Loving Dad,

I'm not sure I have the time to truly respond to this post, but it sure tugs at my heart...

See, I'm this incredibly old fashioned man who believes that marriage should be what my parents and grandparents and brothers have... we won't go into the extended family... that gets scary...

At any rate, I got married 20 years ago as an openly gay man. I married my former wife because I fell in love with the combination of her and my daughter (yes, my daughter is legally speaking my step daughter as I did not donate the sperm) and I wanted a family. In 1987 the concept of a monogamous gay relationship was still pretty new... the idea of a gay couple starting a family was still practically unheard of...

Now here's the kicker... although I was openly gay, and my former wife was fully aware of this... I never, ever cheated on her... I did not look for sleazy hook ups on line, I never went to a gay bar while we were married (hell, I never go to gay bars now that we're not married), I never cruised anyone, anywhere... and the reason for that is respect. I respected her, I respected our family unit and I wanted to make sure that I set the proper example for my daughter... as I said, I'm very old fashioned...

I say all of this so that you will know that there ARE indeed men of character out there... but I'll be the first to say that they are DAMNED hard to find... I had a great guy and let him go because (and in true karmic fashion, had this done to me as well) I thought I could do better. Had a loser who walked out on me and just about killed me both emotionally and financially...

But, there is hope, John...

I have found a truly remarkable man... he adores me (haven't figured out why yet, lol... ) and I adore him right back. Although my Jess is grown, he considers her as much his daughter as mine and he has been so amazingly, wonderfully, fabulously supportive of both of us that I'm still rather stunned by it all...

Oh, and he's the reason that I've been rather inactive here of late... cuz I'd rather spend time with him then do most anything else in the world.

For what its worth (and with an apologetic nod to David, our founder, who found his Brian at a gay function), it seems to me that most gay venues traditional to gay culture are about the worst place to meet a potential life partner. I'm not sure that there IS a good place to try and find a gay partner who is truly looking for a traditional marriage (as I've always said, I'm looking for an Ozzie and Harriet sorta relationship... it's just that, in my case, it's Ozzie and Harry... ) but I found my Bob on Yahoo personals...

Now, there's nothing particularly "hot" about Bob or I.... we are men in our late 40's... hell, we're dead in gay years... but he is the most precious, wondrous, funny, sexy, adorable, humorous, loving and very handsome husband that any man could ever hope to find...

So, yeah, it's possible, John... to my mind, steer clear of those who immerse themselves in gay culture... and look at what they do, not what they say...

All the best,

Smokey

Smokey, I have to thank you for your words of wisdom. They touched my heart. I have never given up hope and never will!!
John

Hi John,

Sometimes, sex is just that...and nothing wrong with it. When it becomes the motivating factor in life, in the way and reason for dating then we are creating problems for ourselves....and many gay guys do that and then sit around complaining about it...lol.

Are there good guys around...are there 'bad boys' even who can be good partners and love us and our kids...hell yes ofcouse. Dating, romance, sexual relationships.....st8 or gay are not easy anymore it seems. Morals have change...or are more open and out there nowadays so eveyone is asking...is Mr right out there or will it always be about mr right now.

Be patient, don't think that mr right will come looking like some wish list you have in mind. They come in all shapes and sizes,ages, well you get the idea, and sometimes in the most unlikely packaging...just be open to the chance of it.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

Vincey,

Well, yes, sometimes sex is just that and nothing else...

Been there, done that... have no desire to return....

In my experience, Gay men seem to think sex is what defines a relationship or a potential partner....

For me, that's not the case... as an adult, with an adult partner, we can discuss (and often in a very sexual way... ) what we like when it comes to our personal sex life... but to limit one's self to the gay definitions (top/bottom... and even worse, the various fetishes) simply reduces us to rutting dogs...

Sex is a great thing... but sex is not going to hold our hand when a child is sick... sex is not going to help us when a parent dies... sex won't be a part of my daughter's graduation from college... sex is not going to sit with us when we watch a loved one have surgery... sex is not going to be there when we share the joys of family at the holidays... sex is not going to be there when I die... but my husband will be...

Sex is great... but knowing that you're making love to one man, for life... that's an astonishing gift...


All the best,

Smokey

nicely put, keith

Dear Dads:
As the years pass, and I get older and wiser, I've come to a strange realization. I have less and less in common with the typical single gay man. Most of them don't understand what it means to be a parent. I am a parent who happens to be gay, not a gay man who happens to be a parent. For years, I have been both father & mother to my boys. I sometimes forget that I am more then just a parent, and that I am a man.
Sex: What is sex, but an animal instinct for relief. I don't need sex. I need to make love!! Most men don't differentiate between the two. I need emotions, feelings, romance, passion. I need a man who will not only love me, but love my children as well. A man who knows that responsibilities go farther then just personal need, but the needs of the loved one around you.
Smokey, you hit the nail on the head with what you wrote, and I thank you for it!!

John,

Like you, I have very little in common with most gay men... and I can say this with some degree of experience... because I am the veteran of something like 30,000 first dates...

They have willingly been in abusive relationships...

They love their partner but are no longer attracted to him, so they want sex on the side...

They don't want to give up going to the bars every weekend...

They say they're just normal, regular guys but they haven't quite come to terms with coming out yet so any potential boyfriend has to be secret...

They're married but in an open relationship...

They're just looking for someone to support them...

They're just looking for someone to support...

They're a boy scout... but they snort cocaine or do poppers or smoke pot or whatever...

They're heavily medicated....

They're into leather, S/M, drag, or don't see anything wrong with cruising gay sites online when they're supposedly in a monogamous, committed relationship....

When it comes down to it, they have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old girl... and I have a girl... I know whereof I speak...

I know this is not EVERY gay man... and I have plenty of female friends that say the straight world ain't any better....

It's my hope that gay men will grow up and go beyond our historical notion that being gay is just about having sex with men....

And I have great hope for that... I see my friends and admired members of this site...and they are living the lives I have found... and am extraordinarily happy with...

Stick to your principles, John... it's hard, but there really are good men out there... stay true to your vision...

All the best,

Smokey

Lots of gay men know they have feelings for other males when very young. It's about bonding more than about sex. There is a more of a tendancy among men more so than women to express emotional bonding through sex. There are lots of ways of having sex. Monogamy is one and open relationsips is another. Whether one agrees with open relationships or not, its more honest and up front than sneaking behind your partners back and cheating - which has been going on for how many thousands of years. I think that gay men have grown up lots in numerous ways and that there is lots to be learned from us.

quote:

Originally posted by Loving Dad Of 3:
For years I have debated is is better to just be a dad, and only concentrate on my sons, or should I continue the search of a man who will accept me and my kids. I am not a bad looking guy, and have had offers from guys. Only problem is that I am not a one night stand type of guy, who jumps from sac to sac. I want to give my boys a good example of what a relationship is and what love is. Every time I try though, I find out that the man I choose, has pulled the wool over my eyes and wants just a tumble in the hay or wants me without having my boys in the picture.
Where are all the good men out there hiding? Are there guys out there who are truly interested in having a meaningful relationship, with a gay father?? Does true love have to be so elusive?? I would love to hear from a kindred spirit out here, who has lived through this and can help me believe that love is not so elusive as I feel.

I found your post interesting as I'm back in the dating 'game' after four years. I spilt up with my partner about 3 months ago and knowing I dont want to be single for the rest of my life have to think about dating with kids. My ex-partner and I love each other and still get along well, and we've talked about how he will maintain a relationship with my daughter. They like each other and it would be good for both of them. Introducing someone else into my daughter's life feels much more complicated. It takes two years just to get to know someone I figure - do I wait that long to introduce her to someone? Do I risk introducing her to a serious of non-starters? My limited answer so far is to go with a short-listing process. I'm going to put the word out to my friends and family that I'm looking to date and get them working for me as well. An old idea but a good one I think. I'm preparing myself to be set up by those who love me. Increase my odds and reduce the risks. I'm a dad first and a single gay man second - but I am both and both are important.

I too have been trying to find a partner, and have quickly learned if you want to get rid of someone tell them you are a proud parent, they can't run away fast enough! I guess being a single parent does have yet another advantage, don't give up hope and I won't either.

Take Care

Well. Starting the new year with a possible reconcilliation. Love isn't enough of course, but it's a good start. As with everything though, it's dad first and single gay man second.

Dado1,
Well, for me I am both dad and mom to my son first and still single gay man second. So, does that make me a Dadom?

Dad and mom could make you dom or mad as well.

But let's hope not.

Dam! Son of Walt. Your good.