How about... this woman, the wife of a respected member who is emailing me about comments he's made regarding her on this site? The whole silly thing has me wondering whether we should allow non-members to read the posts at all.

But we have allowed anyone to read simply because we wanted to show a non-member what kind of group we have and the sort of discussions we have here.

What do you think? Should we make the forums readable to only members, or should I maybe create a special, premium page (small small fee, which would help me pay for the webspace too) for topics that we do not want to be seen by the general public, or the exwife or stalking ex-bf?

Your thoughts on this, please?

I’ll pay the fee but what’s to stop the ex bf or the ex wife from becoming a member?

Well, if we only allowed members to post, it would be possible for an ex to pose as a member. He/she would just have to provide an email address and answer the spam guard question and still read... true... but at least they couldn't say it was visible to the general public.

However, if we had to pay a fee, even just five bucks for six months for a premium section, we could boost donations on one hand and discourage people we didn't want to read from reading that section.

It's worth a thought maybe. Most likely an ex who might pose as a member would be less apt to pay to post... but who knows...

David,

If an ex became a member, and was a problem, or if anyone was a problem, couldn't you cancel/block their access to the site somehow?

While I understand and empathize with anyone who's basically being web-stalked (don't know if that's a word, I just made it up) by an ex, whether spouse or partner, I think maybe we could step back and take a moment to consider what this is about.

Now, when it comes to an ex spouse or partner reading material posted by a member here, I think most reasonable people would agree that you probably should think about what you post here and I personally wouldn't care if my ex saw anything that I posted because I'm not going to lie or stretch the truth about the situation that exists between us (and it's not good).

Now if I understand you correctly, it seems that a member's ex-spouse is emailing you, David about comments he's made here. Well, I'd say you have two options, you can ignore her and also add to your junk/spam email list, or you can respond with a neutral generalized statement that doesn't put you in the middle of whatever it is that might be challenging the dear woman.

I do think there is some merit to making this a members only site, but I think we need to think hard about this before making such a drastic change.

Just my opinion


Jim

David, or I should use your sn to lessen confusion. :-) Alphapax, yes, I can block a person or ban them if they become a member and then cause a problem, or turn out to be an angry ex or a web-stalker.

But, and this fits with what Jim is saying, unless we close the boards so that even reading the messages is impossible for non members, there is nothing to prevent trouble-makers from reading what is written here.

Good thoughts, Jim. Thus far I've ignored her. But here is what has me leaning toward a hidden page or private section... When you said that we should "think about what we post here," well, that's been my opinion from the start. I must say that my opinion is evolving over time.

Let me try to explain... I've said in the past not to post anything that you wouldn't want your own child to read... to keep the site pg 13, etc... and I respect and agree with many, like my dear friend Smokey who assert that we should be open and honest with our kids about everything.

However, when and at what time do we do this? Let's say you hate, and I mean hate your ex or your former wife, but for the sake of young children you have tried to be respectful and never speak badly of this person in front of a child. Let's also say that this nobel course of action weighs heavily on you and that you need to talk about it with someone.

But you won't post it here on GF because we have made it all open to the public and even our own kids (who probably don't care what we write and probably won't read it, but they could) might see what you wrote. Or maybe that stalker is hateful and vengeful and doesn't care about using their children as pawns in a game... or at best he/she thinks that the kids should know how wrong/bad/evil (in this person's mind) their father truly is, and has them read our own words, uses them wrongly against us. I'm fortunate not to be in such a situation, but not everyone has been dealt the same hand.

Som could have a situation, where a whole support network of men who care and understand (at least are capable of understanding) are inaccessable to you, because you fear the wrong person could read your words.

To be honest, I've avoided posting about a few things myself. I remember Keith telling me once, "Great, so you've created this big wonderful community that helps everyone but yourself."

Or to put this all a simpler way: Is it possible that there are needs not being met because we only talk about so much. Are there things that we might be more likely to share, if the whole world weren't watching? And what exactly is it that we hope to accomplish by creating this site? Does our current policy limit us in reaching those goals?

I don't know, exactly. But I want your thoughts on this. Thanks to the three of you who have replied thus far.

Hi All,

I have many thoughts on this matter since I am the person who's ex has taken the time to find this place, read my posts and try and exercise some further control over me by email to the site and letter to me personally, demanding all my postings be removed. This is just a further attempt by her to be in control and be seen to be. She has however in truth shattered even the perception of what power she thought she might have had over me, but just can't let go.

I understand David's idea around the members only page, and there are good reasons to consider it. That said I would personally prefer we remain an open book re the issues we consider and discuss, and would suggest that making this move, incurring these costs because of one bitter woman trying to hurt me because she has lost much of any thing that might be seen as a relationship with her son is entirely the wrong motivation. Initially I agreed with my dearest bud David on this, but unless it was seen to be a significant problem ...I am not sure why we should be intimidated into it.

I have always posted the truth...which hurts sometimes, but only because this has become my home as a gay ,man and father, a place where I can share with other gay fathers, both the frustrations and joys of my situation. Sure getting a positive stroke, a wise word of encouragemnt does no small amount of good...AND if an ex...of any sort wants to read it, let them...who knows the reality and sense of the situation might dawn on them at last.

I await my ex's next move...the dish grows cold on her part so we shall see, maybe she has atlast realized the priority should be her life with her partner and building something with our son instead of stalking me online and trying to yank my chain.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...x

Vince,

I just wanted to make sure my comments about posting the truth were not misconstrued. I don't mean that you or anyone else may have posted anything but the truth, only that I firmly believe that if you stick with truth, you can never get in trouble for it.

I figured it was your ex that was the subject and for that I'm sorry, well I'm sorry that any person here would have such a problem witht the ex. I will say it's a sad commentary on her that she finds it necessary to send emails to David about your posts.

I do think you hit the 'truth' nail on the head when you said "maybe she has atlast realized the priority should be her life with her partner and building something with our son instead of stalking me online and trying to yank my chain".

I know this comment might be taking this post chain off topic a bit but I think it's a sad truth with ex's that they can tend to attempt to exert control over us in completely vile and meaningless ways. Thus, they forget that the important thing is to move forward and stop all the manipulation of reality, get your relationships in order, and like I've told my ex several times recently....GET A LIFE!


Keep you head up Vince...


Cheers,

Jim

No worries Jim, I understood the sentiments of your posting. I have always been frank and honest on GF, whether discussing issues with kids....ex's...b/f's, and with advice to members. I want us to have a space where men can find other guys who really do take being a parent seriously, make it a priority in their life...and at the same time want to be real about being gay, loving another man and dealing with the largely st8 world we live in.

Thanks for your comments...I have heard nothing from my ex for a while now...this is what usually happens...lull before a storm or a re-adjustment to reality has taken place...again! I trust it is the latter.

As for the private page...well you know David there maybe times where as adults there is a genuine need for a topic that we would not wish our kids....or anyone casually cruising the site to read, and if carefully monatered it could provide a useful place for members to air other issues, ask questions and hear the truth....

Cheerio for now....Vincent...x

I agree, I wouldn't want your ex-wife or anyone else, forcing us into a sort of internet closet. Of course we were discussing these possibilities before her email came, so it just seemed like a good example.

Oh, for the record, she emailed us at our contact address, gayfatherhood@gmail.com. I am sure she did not know that I monitor that email address, and so can Vince and Smokey.

But you are right. I still wonder a bit if it might not be a bad idea for the man who simply feels more comfortable about his comments being read only by members. But then, when it comes to the points you each have made about openness and the chance to have a forum for upfront discussion... well, you've almost talked me out of the hidden page idea.

Dunno... anyone else have an opinion, or stray thought on the matter? It's all open for discussion. And thank you, my dear friend for allowing me to use this instance as an example.

The character of a man is known from his conversations.

Menander (342BC-292BC)