NORMALLY I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THIS TYPE OF THING, BUT I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS VERY GOOD....THAT, OF COURSE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL LIKE IT:
> >
> >After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
> >sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> >mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
> >then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
> it
> >be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual
> >maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
> and
> >the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By
> >the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> >accident.

> >
> >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >
> >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> >
> >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> >P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >
> >S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> >P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >
> >S: Live bugs on back-order.
> >
> >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> >descent.
> >
> >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> >
> >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >
> >S: Evidence removed.
> >
> >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >
> >S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >
> >S: That's what they're for.
> >
> >P: IFF inoperative.
> >
> >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> >P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> >
> >S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> >P: Number 3 engine missing.
> >
> >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> >P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >
> >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> >P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >
> >S: Cat installed.
> >
> >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> >pounding on something with a hammer.
> >
> >S: Took hammer away from midget
> >
> >P: Target radar hums.
> >
> >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Okay, that gave me a much-needed chuckle at work today.

Did I say at work? No, of course not. And no one is here in this office to prove that I did.