NEW PA's - can be used for any airline!!!


> All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make
> the
> in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
> entertaining.
>
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or
>
> reported:
>
>
>
>
>
> On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight
>
> attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
>
> we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
>
> down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
>
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> --------------
>
> On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take
>
> all your belongings. If you're going to leave
>
> anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
>
> have."
>
> --------------
>
> There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
>
> are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."
>
> --------------
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>
> Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
>
> "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> --------------
>
> After a particularly rough landing during
>
> thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a
>
> Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
>
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>
> landing like that, sure as f*** everything has
>
> shifted."
>
> --------------
>
> From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight
>
> X to Y.To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
>
> into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
>
> every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
>
> operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>
> unsupervised."
>
> --------------
>
> "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
>
> masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
>
> grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
>
> a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
>
> before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
>
> with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
>
> --------------
>
> "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some
>
> broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
>
> we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
>
> or your money, more than Qantas."
>
> --------------
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in
>
> the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
>
> to shore and take them with our compliments."
>
> --------------
>
> Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard
>
> landing in Hobart, the flight attendant came on the
>
> intercom and said, "That was quite bump and I know
>
> what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it
>
> wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>
> fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it
>
> was the asphalt!"
>
> --------------
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
>
> perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
>
> as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
>
>
>
>
> --------------
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
>
> he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
>
> The airline had a policy which required the first
>
> officer to stand at the door while the passengers
>
> exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
>
> United. "He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
>
> had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>
> thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
>
> Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady
>
> walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
>
> you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
>
> "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
>
> or were we shot down?"
>
> --------------
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the
>
> Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>
> please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
>
> Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>
> against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared
>
> and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
>
> door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
>
> the terminal."
>
> --------------
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
>
> "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
>
> today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
>
> go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal
>
> tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
>
> --------------
>
> A plane was taking off from Mascot (Sydney). After it
>
> reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
>
> made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
>
> gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>
> Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland.
>
> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
>
> have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
>
> relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
>
>
>
>
>
> Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
>
> came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
>
> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but,
>
> while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
>
> cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
>
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
>
> Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back
>
> of mine!"
>

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - Tray-up, bi*ch."

Guys, you have truly made my day!

heheheheehhheee... (takes a breath...) tee hee... giggle...