I know I don't have the usual kind of job that most people have, I'm a consultant, independent at that, and I have to go with where I can find the work, so travel is a big part of my life.

While that sounds pretty interesting and maybe somewhat romantic (hah!), it's more of a pain because I have to take advantage of certain things when I can get them.

I'm in between projects, starting one hopefully next week in New York City that will I think be about a year, maybe longer.

I have the opportunity at the moment to take some time off (unpaid of course) and can now look at doing things to my new house (well, I bought it almost a year ago).

I decided to paint the family room and take care of the window treatments for it and the kitchen.

I know you're reading this and saying...um so what....

Well, I found today as I was painting the family room (painting is something I absolutely, positiviely loathe) that suddenly it feels like this is something that is mine and I now am very careful about making sure it's all done correctly.

I say this because when I was married, unhappily, when I had to do things like this, I did it because I felt it was a duty, not a desire. How does this tie into gay fatherhood?

Well, I was in a marriage for 15 years that I loathed, and with it, anything that I felt I 'had' to do to contribute to the marriage.

Now, suddenly, I pick the color that I like (well, ok the kids helped a bit but basically agreeing with me in what I thought was the right colors).

Maybe I'm being overly emotional about this, but it seems that if you've gone through a relationship (marriage to a woman) and felt completely smothered, there's a great feeling of hey, this is me, in this sort of decoration or design.

No, I'm not your typical gay guy who has a knack for design or decoration so it's a bit hard for me, but hey, HGTV sure does help!

Just thought I'd share that bit with anyone who might be interested.

Cheers,

Jim

Oh, wow! Jim, I can so relate to this. I remember when I first had my own place and I got to paint the colors I wanted, put the sofa where I thought it should go (even if it was a used sofa that someone's grandmother probably died on), and choose the curtains I liked.

Like you said, I wasn't Mr. Ab Fab Decorator, but it was my place and I was no longer "smothered" as you said. That's a perfect word. I always went with the geese and the country blue ribbons around their necks because that's what she liked.

Really both Gin and I were miserable and hiding behind each other while losing ourselves to the sacrifices we made, leaving our kids with the most unhappy, screwed up parents. Were were a good example of how sometimes staying together "for the kids" is a crock.

It's good to be you, isn't it?

I guess people who have a second chance in relationships, may...lol..should make a better go of it second time around, and hopefully have learned the lessons and do things for the right reasons.

I think for those of us that lived, or tried to live a hetero life, knowing that we were gay, and have now the chance to be ourselves and live the way we want, whether as a couple or single, the joy of it is clear to see in what we do and how we do it. I did this as a single guy and then I have to say much more enjoyably and productively as part of a couple with David this last couple of years, and it was a wonderful experience that I am glad to have had and shared with my son and friends.

Yes, and I think, Vincent, the big difference was in being able to be happy in myself at last. I wasn't any good in a relationship that was at least eventually and ultimately a place to hide from the real me.

I had to get out of that, learn to be honest in being myself and then I was more set to be a good part of a relationship. The one I have with Brian, despite our being polar opposites, is really the best one I've ever had. And I'd like to think it's in part because I was finally free to be real.