This is just a late night rant with no real purpose other than blowing off steam. I wrote recently about issues re: my daughter and her new discomfort being around my partner. That continues... and in addition to being teenage angst I see it as a symptom of the yet-unresolved marriage between her mom and I.

In 2001 I more or less came out to my wife - confessing infidelity and committing myself to a program of de-gayification (ex-gay therapy.)

In 2002 I began an 8 month process of looking for the truth about homosexuality and my orientation.

In 2003 I fully reconciled myself to my orientation, and my wife and I agreed together to divorce. I moved out of the house in August, '03.

In 2005 I met my partner.

Five years after starting this process, and 2 2/3 years after moving out of the house, I am still legally married. My ex (I can't bear anymore to refer to her as my wife) is unable or unwilling to get herself to the place of signing the divorce documents. 3 months ago - after all the negotiating was done - she said she was ready to schedule an appt. with her lawyer and do it. My attorney keeps calling her attorney's office and there has been no action at all. 2 1/2 years ago we were at the same point with a mediator, and she stopped the process right when the papers were ready to be signed. So it's deja vu. In the meantime:

The kids are showing evidence of a what a family therapist warned of a year ago - distress and dysfunction resulting from the ever-present anger in their mother who isn't moving forward with her life.

My relationship has progressed to 'committed' and 'partnered' after a year together. We essentially live together (though I retain an apartment for my time with the kids), and it's clear my ex considers that adultery and uses it against me when she can. I've decided to move on with my life and this (wonderful) relationship despite what she does or doesn't do - but without the divorce it's not as 'clean' a break as I'd like. Being the pastor of a (gay-tolerant) church makes this more complicated since I'm not sure how they'd feel if they realized I'm still legally married and am cohabitating w/my partner (not being legally ABLE to marry him helps with that some - lol.)

My blood pressure has risen from low/normal to Stage-3 hypertension in the past 3 months. After a stress test, ultrasounds, etc. showed nothing, I'm convinced it's mostly due to accumulated stress. EVERY night I have multiple anxious dreams about the unresolved marriage stuff - confrontations w/the ex, etc. Very recently I've started having panic attacks during the middle of the night.

All of this is starting to feel like my ex has control over my life even though I'm trying to stay focused on not letting that happen. The new blood pressure meds are affecting my ability to ... umm ... you know... and I'm realizing that she's indirectly having a negative affect on my sex life - exactly what she would LOVE to do, I'm sure! I'll get the meds switched, but the ongoing feeling of 'stuckness' is starting to overwhelm me.

My lawyer has advised me how we can proceed without her cooperation - litigating with grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment against her. That of course would REALLY cause her to flip out, but perhaps is what she wants so she can further maintain and promote her victim status. In the past 2 years she has worked incessantly to turn my family and friends against me - and to some extent my kids - and has been angry about any evidence of success or happiness in my life.

Recently my ex has cycled back into a period of hyper church involvement in a conservative/evangelical setting - and has been spending more time with the folks who have encouraged her to hold on and keep praying for my 'healing' in the past. So I'm concerned that she is consciously or unknowingly holding on to the hope that I will go straight and return to her. AAAAAArhhhhhhh!!!!

Again, this is really just a rant... thanks for letting me get that out!... but any advice about the legal/divorce stuff would be appreciated.

Rick

Good luck Rick,

You are in a tough spot. Don't let anyone rent free space in your head. You will get through. Anyone who reads your posts can see you are a good guy who loves his kids. I'm thinking good thoughts for you!

Sean

"If you cna keep your head..." may sound trite, yet you are following your heart and have found a partner who loves and respects you.
We are also a monogamus couple whose journey is one where we value those who walk with us. There is no gay group to socialise with, as even thos who purport to be in committed relationships participate in the "meat market."
We have five children, and five grandchildren, and it is ony our wldest daughter, her husband, and her two children who share their lives with us.
We bloom where we are planted, and share with those whom we count as extended family.

Shalom!

Hey Rick...good to get it of your chest any way friend. Looks like you may have to force this issue for the good of everyone concerned....not least your ex!!! I found my son's mother didn't entirely move on until I decided somethings just couldn't continue and ignored her stipulations and rules. Funny when I did this she didn't protest, as with our initial separation, it is the very real emotional hurdles some people find hard to tackle and need another to progress things beyond the uneasy comfort zone that they have settled for.

Also my ex had her parents, her father in particular yanking the chain a little with less than objective advice. He was very 'church' minded and if I couldn't be reformed then I needed to be punished for the fallen person I had become in his eyes and that of the church etc. They (the women) do revel to some extent in this victim mode, and with societies attitude to gay men in particular they are encouraged in this. So take heart...for your own future as a parent, partner....and in the long run a decent man who wants his kid's mother to get on with her life, make those hard decisions now, for you all. Explain it to the kids and they will realize that the best interests of all in this situation are foremost in your mind.

Cheerio for now....Vincent..xx

Rick,

What everyone else has said...

Just wish I could follow that advice myself... sigh...

All the best,

Smokey

Thanks, guys, for your supportive and helpful responses. Last night my ex and I met with the family therapist who has been serving as a divorce counselor for us. The therapist (a really sharp woman who I trust completely) met last week with our daughter and this was to be a follow-up re: that. She immediately told us (with our daughter's permission) that the primary reason for our daughter's angst and discomfort re: my relationship wtih Leroy is that she feels both parents need to be happy if she is to be able to be comfortable around Leroy. She is frustrated beyond words with her mother's inability to move on with her life and keeps urging her to date, go out with friends, etc. I asked the question, "So she sees how miserable her mother is and feels responsibility for her happines?" The therapist said 'Yes' and that created the perfect opportunity for her to drive home to my ex the need to finalize the divorce and make her own happiness - for the sake of the kids even if she's not willing to do it for herself.

My ex made a big show of saying she is finally ready to sign the papers and would be doing so tomorrow (i.e. today.) I would not want to place any bets on that happening and suspect she was just feeling backed against a wall. Turns out she hadn't made an appointment or anything, but was 'planning' to. I've heard this before... Thankfully there will be a follow-up in a few weeks and if she hasn't met with her attorney (who she stated is very frustrated with her - thus she doesn't trust the attorney) - I will let her know I have no choice but to file and state grounds against her for divorce.

One of the good things that happened is that we discussed my relationship with Leroy openly for the first time. She kept talking about how I was 'seeing' someone who may or may not become a permanent partner - much like the 'partners' I had during our marriage. (Apparently she has stated the same things to our daughter - grrr.) I explained to her that a brief sexual liaison is not a 'partner', that I have been in a committed relationship for a year and that I consider Leroy my life partner. Maybe that will sink in and help her let go (one can always hope...)

Anyway, I felt like things got a bit more unstuck last night and I'm prepared to become as aggressive as I need to be if my ex doesn't follow through on her divorce plans.

My son's high school musical is this week and he invited Leroy to come to the show on Fri. night, so we'll be going together. My daughter will not be there that evening - and thankfully neither will my ex! No doubt she'll hear about it later, but she'll just have to deal with it.