Hi guys

Well, I'm not really sure where on Earth to start. My whole life seems to have been a rollercoaster ride continually trying to hide the truth about my sexuality. Unfortunately, I was lying to myself just as much as to anyone else. I guess the ultimate expression of this was when I got married in 1995. I managed to find a nice, young quiet girl, who really had no experience of life and no previous experience of men. Over time a relationship developed and although I was never really sexually attracted to her, I did fall in love with her. In 1996 we celebrated the birth of our daughter, something that I never thought I would experience - it was totally amazing, my joy has never diminished and no matter what has happened since, I would never ever change the fact that I am a father. Since then, our relationship grew more and more difficult - my sexuality drove me to seek relationships with other men. I would find myself sneaking in and out of public toilets, driving to remote locations searching for others looking for sex. All in all, it was an existance I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It's very difficult to try and explain to outsiders how this makes me feel. I was still hiding my true feelings, not only from my wife, family, friends and colleagues but in addition I was also trying to deal with the huge feelings of guilt for not being able to control myself. In the end, the lies and stress of leading a double life led me to perhaps the most important and life changing day I will ever face. I eventually plucked up the courage to 'come out' to my wife. I have never felt such shame, guilt and sorrow - I still feel as though I had let everyone down. My wife, although upset, said that she had guessed a long time before - but had done her best to ignore the warning signs, in the hope that it either wasn't true, or would never have to be faced. We did face it, we decided for the sake of our daughter to carry on. The relationship changed to one of mutual friendship, but as the last 4 years have passed, this has degenerated. The lack of trust caused by my earlier lies, my increasing feelings of isolation and the inability to live my life in the way I now wanted to has finally culminated in my wife seeking a divorce. We are still living together as a family, waiting for the solicitors to do their worst, then we will be finding alternative accommodation. I think the one thing I am most grateful about is my wifes wish to share custody of our daughter jointly. The very idea of not having access to my daughter terrified the life out of me, I know, compared to many men I am now in a fortunate position - I hope that I will look back on this step as being positive, it would be good to know that there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. Any thoughts guys, or comments would be gratefully accepted.

Martin
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Martin, may I just say, "Welcome". It's good to have you with us and it does the heart good to see yet another dad being real about himself and being determined to be as close to his child as possible.

I hope that you'll make yourself at home here and soon join in elsewhere on the boards. Looking forward to seeing you around.

James

Hello Martin,

I know this is a tough time for you. The good news is that it gets better with time. For me the biggest win was in being honest with myself and the important people in my life about who I was. The energy you were spending feeling shame can now be channeled into building a rich life for yourself. You deserve to be happy. You will find a way to be a good friend to your former wife. Focus on the positive aspects of your life and being a great parent to your daughter. This group will offer you support and friendship. For me knowing I was not alone was and is such a gift!

Sean

Hi sean

Thanks for you comment - I needed some reassurance this morning as I've just had an appointment with my solicitor, who didn't really have very much good news for me. Looks like I am truly going to have to pay for living a double life. Still I am hopeful that my agreement with my wife is going to stand with regards to joint custody of my daughter, everything else is falling around my ears. Still, stiff upper lip and all that, I won't let it get to me - I've got to be strong, my daughter deserves that.
martin

Martin,

Welcome to the group. Boy, there were so many points in your story that I thought, wow, that sounds like what I went through. I know I was a bit luckier in that I was able to work out a divorce between Gin and I without involving lawyers. Best of luck to you.

I really like how you ended that last post, "My daughter deserves that." You're living honestly now and that's a huge and positive change. Bro, your heart and priorities are in the right place. And there are lots of men here with whom you can talk, and help you through this.

Hi Martin,

You obviously tried hard to maintain a relationship and friendship with your wife..4 years was quite a while to persevere with that...I tried it after coming out to my wife for 3 years or so but it was never really going to work and we just killed a little piece of each other day by day. So in the end it is better for you all that you have realized that life is too short to live such a painful lie, now you both have the chance to get on with your lives.

Re the divorce, don't let your feelings of guilt and remorse result in your agreeing to pay for everything...what ever it takes etc. This divorce should be no different from that where two people just realize in a straight relationship that they no longer love each other or want to live together...always it seems that gay guys take on this extra burden and accept being treated like second class citizens when it comes to coming out and getting divorced. Thing is we think this will make it easier for everyone and heal the wounds...WRONG, when a woman is angry about this...see's your weak spot she will come back time after time to take another bite. So be strong, stand up for your RIGHTS as a father and accept nothing less than what is right for you all.

I trust and hope your daughter's mum remembers what a great father you are and that to deprive her of that love and relationship in her life will hurt you both and in the end damage her relationship with her daughter to..good luck bud...xox

Cheerio for now...Vincent.xx

Okay, I think everyone should be required to read and reread what Vince just said.

Hi all,

Well I've been away for a few days - just needed to get away from the mud slinging that's going on. I thought that I'd hit rock bottom, but hey guys, you have no idea what strength I have just had from reading your comments. When I put up my original posting, it was I guess a way of just getting stuff off my chest. I didn't really expect such positive responses and support. Maybe this is because there's precious little love and support from anywhere else, that you automatically think there isn't going to be any. I don't know what to say, just a really huge THANK YOU. I so hope that one day I can do the same for some other person. Vince, I know I'm only now getting out of one relationship, but hey, if you ever wanna get married - Im available

Martin
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Hi Martin,

lmao....you are the third person in the last few days to joke about me and marriage.!!! .. However guys I am lucky enough to already be taken, and whilst we got hitched at sea in 2003 we are having a legal civil ceremony here in Belfast on the 31st of December 2005..

Martin I have been involved with Gayfatherhood.com for over two years now, and believe me there is a lot of love, true friendship and honest talk here. It has helped me be a better father, more loving partner and a happier gay man. I have friends around the world that mean more to me than I can say and I cherish the times some of us have had together.

So take heart, you will ride this emotional roller coaster, just remember you have the wonderful luck to be a father and to have a young daughter to love and cherish all your life...so be strong when it comes to what you need as a man and father during and after the divorce....if you're happy your daughter will be too.

Cheerio for now....Vincent...x