Hi,
This is a new thing for me. I was married for 23 years and have 5 kids. Two natural and 3 adopted with special needs. Only 2 live at home with their mother who is remarried. I came out to my daughters and my ex-wife recently but haven't told my boys yet. (is this normal?) I always knew that I was gay but hid it from myself for many years and did the thing that you were supposed to do, get married, have a successful career, have kids etc. The only thing that I didn't do was grow old with my spouse, oh well!
I would like to find other gay fathers who have dealt with this before who can help me get through the lonliness and feeling of isolation and the feeling that I am a failure because I didn't fit the norm when it comes to keeping the family together.
Hopefully I will talk with you soon.
Patrick

Patrick,

Thanks for posting and it is so good to meet you. I bailed much earlier I guess, after only 8 years of marriage, but I can so relate to much of what you are saying, especially about the feeling that I missed the "norm" and failed to keep the family together.

But I had a wise lady tell me once that so many times "Staying together for the kids is a crock." I decided, fearful though I was, and I was nearly paralyzed with fear about what would happen, I decided it would better serve my boys for me to live honestly than to give them a depressed and miserable father. Shortening it into a few sentences makes it sound like a trite and easy decision. I know that you know it was not.

The thing is you eventually did come to terms with it and you can now be in a position to help others along their journeys. Thanks for taking that step. We need men like you.

As for normal? Does anyone know what that is? But I am guessing it is the fear of rejection from your sons due to the masculine taboos in our society that has you hanging back from telling them.

But think about how you raised them. Even if you were not open, were you tolerant? Did you lead by example? I know I hid a lot and preached anti-gay sentiments early on. Thank god my children were too young to remember those days. As it is they have been so very accepting of me and my partner Brian.

How did your former wife and daughters respond? Is it possible that one of them may have clued your sons in already? It's surprising how often I've heard that "they already knew."

I hope the burden of this is soon off your shoulders. Thank you for talking about this here, because I know you are not alone. And my heart felt wish is that this is the beginning of the end of those lonely feelings for you.

Hugs to you brother, and many many thanks for sharing your heart.

Yours,
David

Hey Patrick - Good for you bud! I was married 22 years. Now divorced for 9 years (my how time flies). HAve three girls - now 21, 26, 27. Coming out to them was actually pretty easy becuase they loved me regardless. They actually gave me a ton of support...even though I thought it would be the other way around.

Why you haven't told the boys? Who knows. You will. Like David said - they may have some sort of suspicion or may even probably know anyway. My kids kinda figured it out as well. Lets just say they were not surprise.

So ... I give you tons of credit for coming out and reaching out to hear from others. I am so much happier that I finally came to terms with who I am. The secret life was slowly killing me (and my ex and our family). I am only realizing that now.

Are you and your ex on decent terms? I am fortunate that me and my ex are now very good friends.

As far as the isolation and loneliness...Yes it is definately a part of the feelings I have. I too had all the successess you mention...only am not growing old with the spouse as well. I am now realizing that there are lots of different types of families besides the perfect one that I had. And as each year goes I feel better and better about myself and my current situation. So will you. You are a good person as is proofed by your other successes. And you will continue to have even more. Stay close to the kids...they grow up fast. And it only gets better.

Keep us posted. And welcome to the site.

Alex