Hi Guys,

Was thinking about a different way find out a little more about each other, so, here are 5 questions you could consider responding to here.

1) How old were you when you got involved in parenting and how did you come into that position?

2) Do you have any gay brothers, sisters, other family members?

3) What are the different reactions you have had from potential dates when they know you're a Dad, or how did you deal with dating a guy who had kids?

4) How many of you wish now that you could have a baby in your life for the first time or again?

5) Does being involved with bringing up a kid affect the type of friends(gay especially) you have....how do your gay buddies react to your being a Dad etc.

Cheerio for now....Vincent..x

lol...ok I'll go first.

1)Well I was 29 when my son was born, I had been married for 9 years at that time, we had always wanted kids but waited until we were secure financially etc. Think my ex would have liked a girl as well...but it wasn't to be for a bunch of reasons.

2)That I know of there are no other gay members of my family. Always wondered about my uncle(well cousin as it turns out!!) Frank who went to London and alledgedly had girl friends, but now I really wonder.

3) I was lucky, no one walked away when they found out I had a son...if anything quite the opposite.

4) Many times I really wish I could hold a baby again and be responsible for another little person....but it's been 15 years now, and all those diapers etc,no sleep, ....lol...I might still if David was really keen!!

5) I have a varied bunch of personal friends or ones I have inherited from David, and I think almost without exception they are great about my son, treat him with the love and respect I would hope for. Many guys I chat too also on the whole seem to react very positively to the idea of being a Dad...seems a lot of gay men would like at some stage in their life to be involved with raising a kid...despite the popular gay culture which seems quite anti the idea of family.

Okay, I've been thinking about this for two days now, and since I've also been thinking about finally writing my bio... well, this could get me in the right direction.

I'm such a procrastinator! Dr. Apt. in the A.M. so I'll get back to you on this... promise... no, really. I will! Vincent, get back here and quit rolling your eyes at me! I'm seriou...

1-How Old Was I When: I was 32 when my son was born. I was living with a girl at the time. We got married when Ron was 3 1/2.

2-Any Gay Sibs/Family: Not to my knowlege. There were a number of gay people that my adoptive family knew, but my adoptive parents were in no way accepting of their life path.

3-Has Having a Child Affected My Dating: Yes and no. Yes, it made for weirdness trying to get a babysitter, and one of my early "out" boyfriends was weirded out by Ron and would never come over to my house. No: I am agoraphobic in extreme, and I have been out of the dating picture for years.

4-I would dearly love to have a little girl to care for, or even another brother for my son, but THAT won't happen anytime soon, if ever.

5-Not really.

1. I was 31 when my first daughter was born, exactly 14 years ago today. I had been married since I was 28 and that marriage lasted 15 years and produced 2 more daughters.

2. I have 3 gay cousins that I know of, possibility of 1 gay (denying) uncle.

3. I've only had a few potential dates via online dating services since getting divorced. In 100% of the cases, the reaction to knowing I have kids was negative. I haven't been on any dates so I cannot answer how I deal with dating a guy who has kids. But if that opportunity were to come up, I would be positive. Kids or no kids, any date would be positive, eh?

4. I already have 3 beautiful daughters, I don't really need another and needless to say, it is not likely to happen anyway.

5. My friends who are gay love my kids and seem to love the fact that I'm a gay father. I guess I'm sort of an icon to them...something really weird, different.

YES...we are waiting David I am sure you will get around to it eventually.....uh -uh...sure...still here...I know you are sittingthere in front of the pc with your leg propped up and Brian running back and forth with food and drink etc.

Oh, sure, I wish! No, sad to say my personal servant is back to work this week and I am on my own most of the time, though he was sweet enough to get my coffee going for me this morning. Yes, dear he's taken very good care of me. And the foot IS up again today, with an ice pack on it. Got the stitches out yesterday and damn, it looks like Frankenstein's Toe! But more about that in another post...

On to the five things you hate about me, or five things the cops should know... what is this? (David Scrolls back...) OH! "Five things we could know!" Well, could is the operative word, isn't it? Alright, alright, I'll tell ya...

1. I was youngish. Got married when I was almost 23. I had a very religious background and my faith was deeply a part of me. Like so many others I thought that these "evil thoughts and temptations" for the same sex might go away if I was a good boy, got married and had my "needs met in the right way." Besides I had always dreamed of being a father. I was 24 years, two months and two days old when my first son was born in the flat old state of Indiana where I was attending theology school. Since then two more sons were born, the last one came to be just about the time my marriage was in the toilet and I was ready to come out to their mother. This of course kept me in the closet a while longer while I tried to sort through all my issues and fears. Not to mention hers. We have come a long way since then.

2. I don't believe so, but when one of my brother came to me with the Bible under his arm (as if I hadn't read, prayed and wept over every verse he could name for years before my problems came to his attention), he confessed that he understood what a sinner I was because he was one to. Among other things that I didnt' care to know, he told me that he and his wife had done some "swinging" before he found Jesus (Damn, I wish that saviour would quit getting lost! -sorry, bitter humor there...) On a hunch, I asked him if it was just for the sexual thrill, or if he had a deep longing for companionship with another man. He said it was just the sex. So I replied that he and I were not really talking about the same thing.

Oh, and I did have a straight cousin who died in a car accident at age 18. Seems his best friend was in love with him and I was in love with his best friend... A seriously tragic circle. One I am trying to get up the courage now to write about.

3. Actually, I only ever had one negative reaction from a potential date when he found out I had children. I dropped that ass like a hot potato-- no, like a rotten potato. Most of the men in my life over the last decade have simply seen my children as part of my world, part of the package and have found their own ways of adjusting. Brian, my partner of almost 8 years now, confessed to not know what to do with children, but he sincerely tries. And I knew we had "arrived" one day when I left the bedroom for coffee and came back to find all three of my sons on the bed tickling him and laughing. :-) Life's never perfect. I think a reasonable effort and a little compromise and understanding goes a long way.

4. Interesting question, this one. I always thought I'd be more than happy with my good fortune of having the three most wonderful sons in the world, but last night Quiet Brian popped an intriguing question on me. "What if I want to have a baby?" And it hit me that this is the second time the Man of Silence has brought this up. Last time was a few years back. I asked him, "Would you like a baby, a child of your own?" He just smiled but said nothing else about it. If you know Brian, you know that I can't drag these things out of him. I'll ask again, and he'll talk when he's ready. Who knows, Vince, there could be some more surprises in store for this family!

5. Okay, last one (Lord, man, you're making me work! You know I should stick to poetry where I am forced to practice brevity of words). Does it affect friends? It can, but as in the case of the idiot I mentioned back in number 3, those "friends" who were negative toward the gay parent situation have long since been weeded out of our lives. They were just a couple of overgrown adolescents, controlled solely by a certain body part. Good friends have many body parts, including brains and hearts. I've stuck with that kind. And the most frequently asked question about my sons these days is, "When will we get to see your kids again?" Some of the best times we've all had together have been on our boat on the river, kids, gay friends and all.

Good questions, Vince! And it looks like you're getting some very good answer from other members as well. You are definately the star hostess of the year! tee hee...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Son of Walt,

I became a father at age 27, quite unexpectedly actually. I guess you could say I had a "wardrobe malfunction". Anyhow, I wasn't planning on having children. Turns out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

As for other gay siblings, not sure. Heck, I'm not out so why would I expect them to be! If I was a betting kind of guy, I'd say yes, just none that are out.

I am quite fortunate in that I haven't dated all that much. I divorced over 5 years ago, dated a little, then met the man of my dreams. We have been together almost 5 years now (how time flies!!). He is wonderful with the kids, and the kids love him. It's really been a wonderful situation!

We have talked about adopting a baby but much in our lives would have to change prior to that happening. Sometimes I long for having a little one around that looks to me to be everything in their life. I miss the days of lying on the sofa and having them lay across my chest and fall asleep. I miss the days of them being filled with wonder about all life is tossing their way... Trees, animals, other people.. I watched my middle one examine a blade of grass for about 5 minutes one time when he was about 18 months old. What I would have given to know what he was thinging about at that moment!

Then I look at myself being 45 years old and the thought of chasing around a little kids again is a bit overwhelming. I don't miss the car seats, strollers, diapers, bottles, etc. UGH!!!

Well, I've re written this answer 4 times now! I would say that, no, having children does not affect the type of friends I have. Gay or straight, single or married, it doesn't matter. Whoever it is need to be a friend to me and we must share some very basic qualities. If they are nice people, they are in!

1) How old were you when you got involved in parenting and how did you come into that position?

Typically, as for many gay men of faith, I got married in the hope that my 'evil' thoughts and desires would go away - hah! My son, Benjamin, was born when I was 29 and I was 31 when my daughter, Ellis, was born.

2) Do you have any gay brothers, sisters, other family members?

I'm as positive as I can be that at least one cousin is gay and I suspect another one is, too. Both on my Dad's side of the family. However, I haven't seen either of them since I was a kid, so I can't be sure.

3) What are the different reactions you have had from potential dates when they know you're a Dad, or how did you deal with dating a guy who had kids?

Guys have always known straight away that I have kids. Since I've never been 'on the scene', the few men I dated were either contacts through internet personals (where I made it clear that my kids had primary importance) or guys I met at gay Christian organisations.

4) How many of you wish now that you could have a baby in your life for the first time or again?

I'm in full-time education and by the time I graduate I'll be 45 - I won't be keen on dealing with nappies, bottles and all that lot by then. I'm happy with the two I've already got. And Bill hasn't ever wanted children of his own. He says he has enough sleepless nights with my snoring! (The cheek!)

5) Does being involved with bringing up a kid affect the type of friends(gay especially) you have....how do your gay buddies react to your being a Dad etc.

Any gay friends I have knew from day one that I have kids. Anyone uncomfortable with that would be unlikely to have become a friend in the first place.

1) My son was born when I was 34. I was married at the time for 6 years, living in the country 20 minutes SW of the city, on an acerage. Marriage seemed to be the right thing to do. I had not thought that I was gay.

2) No-onne gay in my family that I know of, tho' I suspect maybe my father is.

3) My first date was unimpressed with the fact I had a child. But because my son doesn't live with me, he is with his mother 800km away, it really is a non issue. However my partner fully accepts that I have a child and the responsibilities of parenthood. He encourages me and also buys presents for my son, tho' as of yet, since I have not told my son yet that I am gay, I also have not told him of my partner. My partner realizes this and is waiting patiently.

4) I was there to see my son born, in the O.R. , as he was born by ceasarian. I cannot tell you how wonderful I felt holding him! I do not want another child. I want to explore my own life, the 'real' one. The gay one. The truthful one. Call me selfish. But I was cheated out of my real life growing up by homophobia.

5) All of my gay friends are aware of the relationshipp with my son. They celebrate it. I have one friend who was outed to his kids by his wife, and the kids are in late teens, and they want nothing to do with him. They feel that he didn't trust him. It will be a while before they accept him again. This I don't want to happen to me and my son. I intend to tell him as soon as my ex and I feel that he is ready. He just turned 9.

1.) i was about 25...(i'm 37 now), and i went about having my kids the hard way-although for most gay couples every way is the hard way.
(en otros palabras, i was trapped in a hetero marriage for 7 years...)
2. i have a gay brother, who is looking into adopting a child with his partner of several years. i encourage them greatly and often cite success stories from this forum as persuasive evidence.
3. my now partner of three years was always aware of my parental situation from the start. he was a little jumpy at first when the kids moved in after year one...
4. i have two wonderful kids and a stepchild living in another state-i'm pretty sure i'm done. i think if i feel the need to cuddle a tiny one again, i can just wait for my neices to get busy. (and if you read my website - you know i already have a soon-to-be-teen-mom in the family...)
5. friends? what friends? nothing will curtail your friend time like kids. a.)if you they don't have kids of their own- they don't get the scarcity of time factor. b.)if they do have kids- you don't always see parenting from the same angle. c.) i have two factions of gay friends- the first set(usually the younger ones) see children as a plague, and the rest love the idea of kids because they don't have their own yet... (when gay friends ask you to big gay parties and insist you bring the kids- prepare to either be a big gay party alone with your kids or the sideshow of said party.
i say all this in jest. i love my kids. if my partner decided one day that he wanted a child of his own- i'd be up for it. as for the short survey- that was fun. do it again! -love, markQ

Good lord, Vincey... how daunting... LOL... but I guess I'll give it a shot as well....

1) How old were you when you got involved in parenting and how did you come into that position?

I was 29 yo when I first laid eyes on the beautiful, 4 month old baby girl that would become my bug... and the dearest love of my life. As her mother was a very dear friend (who, admittedly, had romantic feelings for me) and as even in 1987 the idea of gay men having committed relationships with each other was still a fairly new concept, Susan and I married... because I wanted a family, because I fell in love with Susan and Jesse as a unit, because the power of my feelings towards Jesse and the need to be part of her life was almost supernatural in force... LOL....

2) Do you have any gay brothers, sisters, other family members?

As far as I know, I'm the only gay man in my immediate or extended family... although I strongly suspect that my maternal grandfather was gay.... and a lovely and loving man he was... still haven't figured out how I could have one plumber/farmer brother and one helicopter pilot brother, both straight as they can be... where the heck did this gay actor guy come from? hee hee....

3) What are the different reactions you have had from potential dates when they know you're a Dad, or how did you deal with dating a guy who had kids?

Well, I won't recount again the disastrous relationship I had with another father.... My good ex-boyfriend (the hulk for those of you who've known me for awhile) was 100% supportive of my being a father... course, he was 100% supportive of everything I did.... why did I let him get away? sigh.... I've run across many men who couldn't understand that Jesse would always come first... fine by me, saved me the time of wasting my time on them. There have been others who've been totally understanding of my parental duties... even though Jess is now grown and a sophomore in college.

4) How many of you wish now that you could have a baby in your life for the first time or again?

Funny... doing children's theatre on a regular basis, I get the chance to be around children all the time... and only lately have I been getting sentimental when I see a pretty little girl all dressed up with bows in her hair... and I think, gee, I'd love to have another child... And then I go back to get out of costume and do the set changeover and realize I'm 47 years old... and have the aches, pains and creakiness that goes along with it... LOL... So, I think I'll just enjoy the kids at the shows and wait for my grandchildren.... in 10 years or so please!!!!!!

5) Does being involved with bringing up a kid affect the type of friends(gay especially) you have....how do your gay buddies react to your being a Dad etc.

Well, my dearest friends are right here... and we're all dads already... so it isn't an issue... LOL.... As I didn't really get back into the whole gay thing til Jess was already nearly grown, my being a parent is not a major issue. Of course, I do have to say that I don't have many gay friends.... I find that gay men have very different values than I do and are often incredibly self-absorbed. As a dad, I'm so used to putting my child first, I just don't get that mindset... Although, one of my closest friends is Paul, who is also a gay father... Actually, most of the men I know who are gay I know through doing the theatre... and they, of course, just adore Jesse ... because she's so lovable, ya know?

Great idea for a post, Vince... glad it's gotten a good response....

All the best,

Smokey