Hi everyone, I am new to the site, joined back in November, but have not had a chance to post. I am still married and living at home with my 14 year old son and wife. I am out to both. My son does not have a problem with me being gay. I wish I could say the same of my wife. My son is the love of my life and we have a great relationship. I have been married for over 20 years and my wife has known about me being gay for about 7 years. We have a good relationship about everything except the "gay" thing and its the pink elephant that we walk around in the living room everyday. We don't talk about it much and she does not want me to leave. She is very anti-divorce (very much against our religion) so the rule is no gay involvement with anyone. I do attend a group in town for gay married men, but she would much rather that I did not. I have a group of freinds from that group and I talk with and see most everyday, but only as friends. I have to keep them seperate from my "straight" life and there is the problem. I am trying to live in two worlds and it is beginning to get the best of me. I am having a very hard time making up my mind to leave home. I am hoping to find some good advice and good friends on this site.

Hello. From what you describe you are willing to make enormous compromises to meet the needs of those around you. As well it seems that you are making enormous efforts to try and meet your own needs in the midst of it all. A truly impressive juggling act. I would find it exhausting.

Regular Bear - OK so I read your message and mulled it over for a couple of days before I was able to respond. You have identified your issue very clearly. How long can you live in two worlds? Good question. There is a great book on homosexuality and religion called "What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality". Being religious does not negate being gay. You stated that your wife is anti divorce due to religeous reasons...so no gay involvement. Wow! If she wants to stay involved with a gay man then how can she stop you from acting on your instincts? You may not want to divorce because the catholic church will not recognize your separation but nonetheless you are gay...and she knows that as well as you. I too am Catholic and yet I finally got the divorce so I can go on with my life. Before that I was isolating myself from my family and more importantly from myself as long as we were together. As long as you are able to continue living a viable life as a gay married man then continue on that path. But as you say it is becoming more difficult to deal with the situation you are in and it will not become easier as time goes on. My advice? Follow your heart and do your wife a favor and do what most of us were struggled to do as well...get on with your life and let her get on with her life as well. I know that this is some harsh advice but it doesn't sound like your wife will do what most of our wives have done for us and initiate the separation. Shame on me for not leaving sooner. But thank God we eventually realize we are born this way and need to fulfill our lives as much as our loved ex needs her life fulfilled.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Change can be a fearful thing. We get used to a situation and are willing to tolerate much we might not thought we would have at the start, just to stay within that comfort zone. We become worried about what others will say or think, how they will judge us...AND NOT what we need in life how we will feel, the way in which in the end all of us, our kids included will know much happier and honest parents.

Sometimes you really do have to think and try to see how life might be for you all, imagine it, believe in it, never doubt your right to it....and then take steps to do it.

Guys with wives do need to be mindful of the anger, shame and intolerance this will initially invoke, but life is way too short not to. A man who is gay and initially accepts that, cannot then remain trapped in a world that is not true, that is so fundamentally different to his nature without slowly dying inside a little each day, and taking those he loves around him...with him.

Regular Bear...you have friends and a support network, try for all your sakes to look to the future as a good place, one where for sure, friendships will be tested, but the love with your son is certain.

Cheerio for now...Vincent....xx

Hello again...First of all I just wanted so say thank you to all those who have posted sar far and I thank you as well for the advice. You will have to forgive me as when I went back and re-read my post, I thought I really did not give you much info about me. Posting info like this about myself/life/situation is new to me. Anyway, I did want to correct one thing from AB. I am not Catholic, but rather Church of Christ. Now that's not the UCC but rather the very ultra conservative Church of Christ. In short, we are much like Baptist, but with lots of differences as well. I have read the book you refered to and it is a great book. It helped me deal with myself a great deal. I have not been successful in getting my wife to read the book or any book on being gay for that matter. Anyway, that's all on that matter. The fact remains that I do live in two seperate worlds that except for people like myself who are doing the same thing, the two worlds just don't live in much harmony together, especially here in the buckle of the Bible Belt.....I do know that at some point I am going to have to make a hard choice as to whether to stay or go. I have lots of reasons to stay, but I have just as many or more reasons to go.My doctor and therapist both or whom are gay, are very worried about what this is doing to my health as I am now having blood pressure issues and possibly even an uler I don't think that we are the typical family that I hear about in this situation where the wife wants the husband to leave when she finds out. My wife has made it clear that she would have never married me if she had known that I was gay, even though she loved me, but she did marry me and loves me still, and does not want me to leave.She is a very attractive, smart, business woman with a great career of her own. She could have a wonderful life without all of this. I love her very much, but its not in the way a husband should love a wife, at least in terms of a physical relationship. We exisit much like brother and sister and I long for the loving touch of a man who is committed physically and emotionally to me. Not having any kind of romantic life at home and not being able to have one outside the home either, is really stressing me out. Hopefully, one day soon, I will have the courage to make the right choices. Thanks again for all the posts and I look forwad to being a part of this forum.

I've been wanting to respond to your post, RB, but I just haven't had the time to sit down and give it the time it deserves. I promise I will write more this week.

Just know that from someone who tried to live in two worlds, it is not only bad for you, but bad for those around you. You know that ultimately it doesn't help your wife either, and kids are little emotional barometers. They seem to pick up on the tension and sadness.

I can't tell you what your next move should be, but I can tell by your own words that you already know that going on like this will be damaging for all of you.

I know that the hardest part for me was that my children were no longer under my roof every day. I still miss that, but I do feel that I've gained in honesty and integrity and respect from them. And their mother and I eventually got our emotional lives back together and they are happier for that.

Often, in the end "staying together for the kids" just isn't the best thing for them.

More later. For now, hugs to you brother. You'll get through.

David

Hi There,

I have read your post a few times and thinking on how to respond.

As similar as many of our stories are, being gay dads, each of our stories have their differences. I hesitate giving you any type of advice, being I don't walk in your shoes.

However, I do have a couple of comments and maybe a couple of questions....Let's see how the progression of the post goes !! HE HE.

Your wife: Your wife seems to be in a general sense of denial, if in fact, she knows you are gay, but wants you to stay in the marriage, but live a celibate life. If you gay...you are gay...whether you live a celibate life or not. You, on the otherhand, indicate you long to be in a relationship with a man. It really does not seem fair to either of you to continue on the path you have been living. Are you living in the "light" of a real marriage, or living in the disguise of a marriage?

If your wife is very religous and doesn't believe in divorce, she surely doesn't support homosexuality. Is she hoping, you will be "healed" from homosexuality?

Personally, I stayed married, much longer than I should, out of guilt. I felt as if I owed it to the family to stay and keep things "stable". The best thing I have done, is get the courage to live in honesty. It was hard at first...and the unknown was scary. However, my kids were resilient and have been supportive from the day I chose to move out and live in "light" and truth.

Good luck....We are glad you are apart of Gayfatherhood.com

Hi Jeff,

To answer your questions, as far as a real marriage or the disguise of a marriage, I would say that we live in the disguise of a marriage. From all outward apperances to everyone who knows us, we are the perfect couple, living the good life with the little white fence around the yard. Our family thinks that, the neighbors think that, all our friends think that. In some respects we do live a perfect and real marrige. We agree on 99% of the issues that we deal with on a daily basis so there is no problem there and like many guys on this forum, we do really love each other, but in a different way than a straight couple. But herein lies the problem. She does not want anyone to know that I am gay. She does not want me to talk to anyone about being gay other than doctors, therapist's, etc. Of course, I do have freinds, quite a few of them who have all been through this same situation, but she does not know them and does not want to know them. I told her that I wanted to have them over sometime to the house and she could meet them and see that they all are stable and normal middle aged men, who just happen to be gay. Her response was "that is just not going to happen"! She is horrified that anyone else would know. She will not go to a therapist even though her doctor told her she needed to go. She absolutely refuses to have anything to do with them. She did go, but after two sessions, stopped and said, I am never going back ever again!!! You also ask if she thinks that I will be healed of homosexuality. Maybe, but most likely she knows that I won't. She is in a sense of denial, but actually she is better in regards to this than she was a couple of years ago. Her take on this issue is, these are the cards that I have been dealt. I don't like them, but there is nothing that I can do about it. So, I will just deal with it myself in the best way I can, and move on with life, with me. I know this is how she feels, because we go about the normal things in life, like making future plans, (retirement, housing, etc etc etc) as if nothing is abnormal about our life at all. I know this just sounds so strange, because I live with it every day of my life and it still sounds strange to me as I write this. It boils down to the fact that we are stuck in concrete here, neither one will move forward and I can't and won't go backward into the closet! And through all of this, we have raised this incredible son, who seems to be extremely well adjusted, straight "A" student, well liked and as one teacher put it, just one of the happiest kids I have seen in a long time......"you guys have done a great job with him" and I quote their words. There is the main reason that I have not left. But he will be in high school next year and then in 4 years off to college and then it will be just us sitting there looking at each other.....what will happen then?????? that's anybody's guess at this point. And yet, I get more and more frustrated every day. When I see a gay couple when we are out shopping or eating dinner, it just makes me crazy. She see's my reaction. She knows that's where I want to be. I have been in some situations that you would not belive, where we were surrounded by gay men (it was gay day's in Disney World) and we were in Orlando just for the night, but not in the park. The resturants were very crowded as were the hotels. I think someone said, 100,000 in town this night. I was dying!!!! and when I let out a long sigh of unbelief, she said, well why don't you just jump up there with them, that's where you want to be isn't it? I just couldn't say anything for fear of rocking this boat that I am in..........for fear of not keeping things "stable". That incident was about 4 years ago and she has known about me for 7 years but nothing has changed so far. One day I hope to be able to find the courage to move ahead........I biggest worry is the impact that all this is having on my son. As he gets older, I know that he has more and more questions about his mother and my relationship. After all, he has known that I was gay since he was 10 and he is almost 15 know, so I know he wonders what's going on........glad I am here, but still wonder's.....The last thing I want to do is set a bad example for him.....he is my pride and joy.

Hey there,

Thank you so much for sharing.

I, totally, understand about being the "perfect" couple on the outside to everyone. We were the "good Christian" couple. "Pillars" of the church ! And I was completely dying on the inside. For years, I stayed married simply because I didn't want to "embarrass" the church or my family. Of course, my foremost concern was for the children. I just knew that if I divorced and came out, the children would become another divorce statistic and they would be so damaged emotionally, they would never be whole again. Also, I didn't want to give the kids the impression that when things got "tough", you just cut and run. I was so Paranoid ! Alot of my concerns were valid, but only to a certain extent. I have discovered being honest to myself and my kids is the best thing I can do for them. The Dysfunction of our family was doing more damage to the children than being honest and dealing with the truth.

My divorce was final a year ago this month, but the seperation occurred a few years earlier. Looking back and evaluating. It was tough on the kids initially. No doubt. However, the children never doubted the love their mom and I have for them. With a little time, things settled down. I, truly, believe the kids and I are closer than ever. I believe being honest with them was biggest factor in their adjustment in the realization of having a gay dad.

My divorce will be final this month and my mom asked me if I was truly happy for seperating / divorcing (Of course, she wants me to be straight....and not an embarrassment to my dad and she). I didn't even have to think. A resounding YES. It's been worth it !! Has it cost me, personally? Yes. Have I lost some "so called friends" ? Yes. However, I am free...to be real. Free to be honest with myself....my children...my friends.

You have mentioned that your son knows you are gay. Have you had a recent conversation with him about how he feels about it? Have you tried to explain to him why you stay married? Honestly, I'm not sure myself, why you stay married. You mentioned the "Pink Elephant" in the room.....well...that "pink elephant" is you ! You cannot seperate your gayness from YOU. If you are gay....YOU ARE GAY, and that is you.

The unknown and the future can not be foretold and often causes fear. You sound as if you are so longing to be free to be the man you really are. As gently as I can say it....Freedom comes with a cost. It comes with a giant step into the unknown. What will your future be like?

I'm equally concerned for your wife. I'm sure she lives in fear of the unknown, as well. What will it be like if you leave? What will others think? How will I get thru this?

I don't walk in your shoes. You have to make the decisions for your life...and live with them. No Matter...I'm happy to chat with you anytime.

Funny how our kids end up being supportive of us throughout our ordeals. My kids knew something was wrong in the marriage and so during and after the divorce were supportive of both their mom and dad. And actually seemed almost as relieved as I was to not have the tension any longer in the house.

Tennessee, I too had the perfect marriage and in fact when we went to church we always got the comments of how wonderful our family is. "What a lovely family - etc, etc". And I too wanted nothing more than to not have these feelings that I even thought if I prayed more I would get my prayers answered. Even almost even did the reparative therapy.

Fortunately for my wife recognized that she deserves to have a fulfilling relationship as much as I do. So she was much more aggressive in seeking the separation. Honestly I was totally paralyzed and did not really know what to do becuase of the fear of the unknown. And JustJeff hit it right on the money, that the fear of the unknown seems to be holding both you and your wife hostage and in a state of relationship paralysis. I don't know what your next steps should be because each of us ultimately have our own unique circumstances to deal with. However, your wife's deep seated denial is just feeding the paralysis and complicating your lives making it very difficult to clearly see the path toward self actualization and a more fulfilling life for all three of you. Therapy gives clarity to this type of situation so even if she won't go you keep going.

But back to the original point of this email - your son will be as supportive of both his parents as all of our children have been and suprisingly much more so than any of us even contemplated. They have always brought important insights to all of us regarding our situations. They are amazing.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Regards,
Alex