I was at the zoo the other day for the first time in many many years with my dear fella. We had a ball taking arty pics etc...and tried to avoid the noisey screaming little kids!!! ...oooops did I say that with my outside voice. Anyway....it got me thinking about my childhood and the memories I have of it. It has always amazed me to read peoples auto-bios sometimes and see in such remakable detail the events of their early childhood laid out with such information and clarity...ok I digress.

So I was thinking, and realized....not for the first time....that I can only really come up with one family event/outing/holiday that I recall as fun, that evokes a feeling of a good time, something I have held onto now that I am in my, ahem!...40's! Why is that? How come we so easily recall the unhappy times and yet find it difficult to visualize the really joyful events. Lets face it, even though for much of my life I was in fear of my father, or later loathed him there must have been many good times!

My recollection is having fun most often when I was alone...or those times..those innocent and care free days when as a 8-9 year old I would head off for the day with some friends and not come home until tea time. A good age to, because the added issue of who I was with regard to my sexual orientation wasn't really a or atleast thee driving force or conflict.

Is that why I...many guys I guess work so hard to make their kids have 'fun', to recall all those happy times in later years..to validate us as parents. Do we massively over compensate?

Cheerio for now....Vincent...xx

Fantastic questions here...

quote:

How come we so easily recall the unhappy times and yet find it difficult to visualize the really joyful events.

Is that why I...many guys I guess work so hard to make their kids have 'fun', to recall all those happy times in later years..to validate us as parents. Do we massively over compensate?

And I need to think on this (not just quickly reply on my way out the door this morning), because I seem to also remember my best times being alone or with friends... though I can remember more than one good family outing.

I see a lot of myself in what you are asking and I often wonder how much my sons will remember and if I am doing a good job of giving them a life worth remembering.

Thanks for this one! Be back to it shortly.

Okay, back to this very important and thought-provoking post...

Yes, I think we do. Overcompensate, that is. Why do so many dads, gay or straight, get accused of just being the play parent, having all the fun with the kids after a divorce, taking the kids every other weekend for fun and laughter, while the mother stays home to do the hard work every day?

Granted, that's a bit cliche, but don't cliches come about from a grain of truth? Even my former wife I think spends a bit more on recreation and video games than she ought. And god knows that I spend way too much on going out, movies, etc...

And my partner, Brian, adds to this as well. Though he, above all, would like to see me put more money in my savings accounts, Brian still seems to push the activity envelope, wanting me to plan more outings and trips... Does this come from his own past as a son of divorced parents?

Honestly, sometimes I just want to spend a day and night with the kids, hanging out, playing games, renting a movie, putting together slide shows and making pizza. We've tried doing more of that lately and it has been very gratifying.

It also may be easier on the budget long-term. But back to your question, yes, I think we do over-compensate. Really, what we need to do more is just spend time. Look them in the eye when we talk with them. Listen. Fish. Play a game. Read a book with them (age appropriate of course, but you get the idea).

Thanks for the reminder to slow it down, Vince.

Your brother over the pond...

Hi Vincent,

I, too, think we often over compensate with our children. I think many parents feel guilty about work schedules, not being available to the kids as we ought, feeling guilty of broken home lives. Additionally, I think we have been conditioned by society to think that keeping our kids busy with all kinds of activities, overstimulated with all kinds of toys, and over exposed to various types of entertainment (and honestly, much of what is on TV is inappropriate).

I think there is something within us desiring to make our children's childhood happier or better than our own. My dad for instance grew up in the depression era. I remember as a kid, being frequently told how little he had growing up and how I should be more appreciative for all he and my mom had dome for me. He gets a "D" for delivery, but an "A" for making an effort in attempting to make my childhood overall, happy. NOT PERFECT !!!

Now, I, as the parent have brought children into a less than perfect world. And over the last 4 years or so, I have been a large part of the reason the family unit in which they were familiar, was destroyed. Being unwilling to live a lie any longer, I came out, and no matter how I tried to protect them, they have not gone unscathed. I know, we are now a happier and stronger family, but there were struggles along the way. Therefore, at times, I think I allow them to do things trying to obsolve the guilt (no matter how unconcious it may be).

Whether right or wrong....it's apart of my decisioning as a parent, at times.

I have many happy memories of childhood. What I find myself doing now is trying to make my daughter enjoy the same things I enjoyed as a kid. She doesn't. But she's creating happy memories with her friends in her own way that she'll probably impose on her kids one day. Who knows.

Tim