My name is Chuck. I'm 48 and I was married for 15 years and have a 12 year-old son. I left home and came out to family, friends, and a few coworkers a little over 2 years ago.

Since I left my home and family I've been in-and-out of therapy (both one-on-one and group) battling guilt, depression, anxiety, shame, anger, etc. And according to almost everyone I've spoken with who's gone through the same thing, say it's all pretty much normal under the circumstances. And things seem to be getting better all the time so I guess they’re right.

For all the pain my decision caused everyone, coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. I feel like it was a very healthy step, and finally admitting I was gay (especially to myself) set me free from a lie I had been living with since I can remember. It's tragic that by doing so, I caused so much pain to others. And it's something I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for. I wish there had have been a way to remain in my home with my wife and son, but in my case, I felt is was impossible. For reasons beyond my sexuality, my relationship with my wife had deteriorated very badly. And it's kind of a sad, ironic story in and of itself. To this day my wife would still like me to come home, but I know it would be a disaster even if I wasn’t gay.

After I left home, I moved into an apartment with a divorced man who knew I was gay, but didn't have an issue with it. I started to see my son every other weekend and at that time I was still being invited to my wife's relative’s holidays... for a while. Even though I broke the news to my in-laws myself, I think they thought I wasn't really gay and that sooner or later I'd just get over it . Once it became clear to everyone I wasn’t going back, and that I was serious about my sexuality, my invitations to family functions stopped. I soon realized that seeing my son every-other weekend was not going to be enough, and I began being much more involved with his life. He loved spending time alone with me, where it was just he and I doing things together. I moved again a few months later when I met my partner Richard, it upset Mark because it’s when he finally realized that I was really gay. My son begged me to leave Richard so it could just be the two of us again. I came very close to moving out many times just to make my son happy. I thought I owed him that as his father. I decided to stay with Richard, but not without more guilt, pain and uncertainty.

Richard and my son get along well, but Mark is still not comfortable with our life-style. Mark says he’s glad Richard and I are not like “the rest”, and seems to dislike gays in general. Even before I came out and left home, I tried to impress upon him that gay people deserved to be treated with respect, and that gays had the same feelings everyone else did. Explaining gay stuff to a child who’s asking detailed questions was a little tricky, I told him that you simply can’t help who you fall in love with.

Even before my wife and I were married, I realized her family could be critical of gays and some other races at times. After we were married, I made it clear I didn’t feel the same way they did. Since they all knew how I felt, a lot of the nasty gay slurs were cut back over the years. The strange twist was that I had always thought that one or both of my wife’s brothers were gay. This feeling has grown stronger as my “gaydar” has improved. But we’ll see what finally happens. In any case, it would be difficult for either of them to come out without ridicule due to how the rest of the family feels about gays.

At this point, my son spends the night every other weekend, as well as Wednesday and Thursday nights, and I also take him to school most mornings. I attend all of his school activities, soccer and baseball games. But my ex-wife has made it clear she doesn’t want Richard around when my son has a game. My wife has a boyfriend who I actually enjoy being around, and it seemed to make her jealous that I liked his company. Over time she stopped inviting her boyfriend to Mark’s games as well, even though I said I was cool with it. But I guess she thought since she said she didn’t want my boyfriend there, in fairness hers wouldn’t be invited either. It makes me feel terrible she feels so hurt, and I wish there was a way to make things easier for her.

I took my son to see a therapist after talking to his mom about it. He didn’t really want to go because he thought that I thought there was something wrong with him. I told him that wasn't the case, rather I thought he might like to talk to someone privately about his feelings about what’s going on. But he thinks you have to be “sick” to see a therapist. My wife wants to actually attend my son’s sessions, something I’m against, for now at least. Since my wife can be very controlling and I don’t want her to interfere with what my son has to say to the therapist. Mark has already had one session, and the therapist seems to think that my son has a lot to talk about, and thinks he’ll open up after a few sessions. I’ve already got another appointment set up. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, there’s a lot more to my story, but I’d like to hear from you guys about your experiences. And any suggestions or comment would be greatly appreciated.

I’m looking forward to getting to know some of you!
I wish you all the best.

Chuck

Hey Chuck. Derrick in Minnesota. I can definitely empathize with you. I cannot offer advice for you. I'm the next post down (Guy in Minn) and still dealing with a lot of stuff myself as it relates to guilt, the kids' mother, coming out, leaving the house etc. Just wanted to offer my support to you as you navigate some very tricky waters. Welcome aboard brother. Oh, I also wanted to thank you for saying coming out was the best thing you've done for yourself. I am looking forward to being able to day that.

Welcome to the gay father fold, Chuck! Pull up a stool and Vincey will pour you a long tall beer. There is much to talk about it seems. And you are among friends here.

So many posts this week! And so few hours in my day. But much you said here resonates with my own story, and I hope we continue to chat about it with each other.

As far as those guilty feelings, well, I understand that some of them are simply regrets that it couldn't be what you both at one time hoped it would be-- the marriage, I mean. How we feel that we have let them down by our inability to live the lie long term.

This has me thinking of what will probably be a very bad and inaccurate analogy... Have you ever been certified in CPR? I have for my job, but I hate it and it scares the bejeebees out of me to think I might have to use it on some pour soul some day when they keel over at the table.

The question our instructor said she is asked most often by her students is, "What if I hurt them?" You know, all that pounding on the back if they are choking, or the pumping the chest. You could break a rib!

But she put it all into perspective with these words: "They are dying. How can you hurt them? And what will happen if you do nothing?" Point being, that they are choking to death, or not breathing, heart not beating... the whole reason to do CPR is because the victim is going to die. And if you do nothing, the person is good as dead. So how does one hurt a dead person?

You might break some ribs, so what? There's a chance of getting that heart to beat again on it's own, or getting the breath of life back into their lungs. The choice becomes one between certain death, and a chance for survival.

I think of my choices back then (well over a decade ago now) as something akin to that. My former wife and I were dying inside. We were in such agony spiritually and emotionally and both of us had our suicidal thoughts. Something had to be done.

And in our specific situation, not only was I hiding, but so was she. As I used the cover of a straight marriage to try to bury my feelings of sin and shame, so she used her vicarious and outgoing husband as an excuse not to reach out and live her own life. My friends were our friends, my mission in life was hers... And I was so young and intense about all of that that she never for a minute had to stop and face her own self and what she wanted out of life.

Not only was I suffering, but by trying to be what I could not-- a straight husband to my wife-- I was also helping to kill her, even if she didn't know the secret reasons why.

As a matter of fact, I ended up coming out partly as a result of her telling me that she didn't love me anymore and that she was so terribly depressed. The situation had gone to the extreme for us, and the only way out was a very scary difficult painful one, but it got us both on some sort of life support so that eventually we could be whole and happy people again.

I thought, what better gift can we give our kids than the gift of honest, happy parents who love them and truly respect each other? Not an easy place to get to, and both have to want it, but please, please do not let these feelings of induced guilt plague you. Do not beat yourself up.

You made the best decision you could for not only you, but your whole family as well. Keep that in mind, and be a little less hard on yourself. Instead allow yourself to feel at least a little pride and satisfaction that you have chosen to live and thus be an example of integrity and authenticity to your own children. Thus, as you are now, are you not a better role model than before?

And they get the benefit of having a whole and healthy father, who can give them even more of himself because of it.

Sorry to ramble on so, but like I said, your words are ones I can identify with, and you will find many others here who feel the same, although the details will vary. As I said, welcome, you are among friends.

Howdy Chuck - man this sounds just like my story and probably many others on this site. Almost word for word! I can totally sympathize with the painful and the conflicting feelings you are having! I agree with David regarding the guilt. It certainly may be due to the inability to give to the wife what they need in a relationship. Our role as the loving passionate husband that both dreamed to be possible was just not happening. How complicated it all turns out to be. My only regret is that I didn't have the balls to come out sooner and end the charade. I was too afraid that it would do far more damage than it actually did. Like David said with the CPR analogy - you may break a rib but the patient has a chance of survival. Without this pain the patient would surely die. We were killing each other slowly and having a bad effect on the family in the process. I still tend to blame myself for not stepping up to the plate 10 years earlier. But that is really water under the bridge at this point and I end up telling my self that better late than never.... I have since learned to love myself just as I am.

Chuck,

I hope I'm not to late in responding to your post. I've read it a few times and not responded. Giving advice can be a "touchy" subject. We all have our own life experiences which we are able to share, but the bottom line; You are the one in the midst of the situation, with your own specific dynamics occurring. Each of us on Gayfatherhood.com responds to each other posts from something that "catches our eye" or something we specifically relate too. So here I go !! LOL

Chuck...you seem to be a very responsible man who loves your son very much. Also, it seems you not only are trying to make him happy, but others around you as well. Sometimes in attempt to absolve our guilt, we drive ourselves crazy attempting to make others happy. I hope you can come to a place to let yourself "off the hook" some. Yes...you made some decisions that have impacted people you love. However, you didn't choose to be gay. You were created as a unique, wonderful individual who happens to be gay. Take a moment and reread David's response (SON OF WALT). It's an excellent response to your post.

Your son, Mark. I'm sad that your son does not like gay people....however, he needs to realize that "gay people" are just people who happen to be gay. During his lifetime, there are going to be many people of different ethniticities, sexual preference, religions, etc, in whom he will have to coexist.


A few questions; "How is Richard, your partner, dealing with all of this? I'm glad that Richard and Mark get along. However, you have an intimate relationship with Richard. I would suggest continuing cultivating that relationship and make sure Mark clearly understands how much you cherish Richard and that you are proud to have him in your life.

Additionally, can you explain to me why it matters what your exwife thinks about Richard and whether he attends your son's games or not? I know you are trying to keep peace, but keep in mind, she is your exwife. How does Richard feel about you not allowing him to attend these games?

Just some thoughts and questions I have. I am no expert, but another gay parent, attempting to live a healthy and honest life.

Good luck to you !!

Hi Guys,

It still takes a deal of courage, even in 2008 to so radically change the course of all the lives involved in a situaton like this, and if we can do that then the rest will follow on if it is what we know to be right in our hearts.

Beating yourself up with issues around guilt and anger at the pain you may have caused is natural, but will lessen...it must if it is to have been worth while, or for you all to move on and be happy. Do get on with life, cherish the relationship with Richard and let your son see how happy that makes you AND how it changes nothing with respect to you being his father, if anything it makes that a stronger, healthier happier one for you both.... for all concerned!

As for his mother, as she moves on and experiences a new relationship, the hope is that she will understand the past better and accept the present..there will be times when that isn't quite how it feels, just don't let her yank your chain because the issue was you being gay. Just be the father you always were and want to be and help your son see that the man you now love is part of the deal.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..xx