Hi There to all my fellow gay dads out there. Let me start of by saying I am so happy to finally find a place where I can relate to many guys, and they can relate to me.
Let me intoduce myself. My name is Jan, and I am a divorced, proud, gay dad of three wonderful boys: Mathew(17), Jeremy(13), and Filip(11). This may be surprising, but I am the one with sole parental custody, so being a dad is a full time thing for me. I must say that at the beginning, being gay, and being a full time dad were very difficult for me. Even though I am completely out to my sons, and they have wanted me to find myself a good guy, who could also be like a second dad for them, it has been difficult. Many single gay men were turned off by two things when it came to me. One, that I had children, and secondly that I slept with a woman in the past, which meant that I have been tainted. Personally, I think that is shallow and stupid, but I realize that unfortunately its part of the gay culture. I have gone out with a few guys, but they keep putting an ultimatum upon me to choose either my children, or a relationship. Well I will tell you, that my children always come first. I would never give up being a dad for all the gold in the world. About 8 months ago, I met this great guy (or so I thought). He told me, he always dreamed of having a family. Before things got serious between the two of us, I had him get to know my kids, and also I did my best to explain to him the responsibilities and sacrifices that go along in being a family and being a parent. At the time, everything seemed clear to him. We became very close, and my kids even started to call him Dad 2. About 3 months after we started our relationship, we decided to rent a house together, where we would all be together and start living like a family. At the beginning, things were going fine, or so I thought. My lover started to be possesive, and tried to monopolize my time away from the kids. Then he would be very strict towards my sons, and raised his voice at them, and unfortunately verbally abuse them. He would rationalize that by saying that I don't discipline my children, and would question my parenting skills. I finally told him that I have been a father now for 17 years and I have the experience and know how of how to raise my children in a loving home. Before I continue, let me explain that I was awarded custody of my children due to the fact that they were physically and mentally abused by their mother. To this day they have many emotional and physical scars from that. I try to raise my children in a atmosphere of love, respect, warmth and gentleness. I am very close to my kids.
Unfortunately my lover is jealous of my childrens' relationship with them, and does nothing to make them feel secure, safe and loved. To add fuel to this fire, one of my children has caught my lover, on the computer in sex chat rooms. When confronted, I was told that at least single men will only concentrate on his sexual needs and not have kids in the way. I have tried to be a good lover and have split my time between him and my kids, so that he feels loved and secure as well. In his eyes, it is not enough, and tells me that even though he wants to be a parent with me, his sexual needs come above that. I love this man, and so do my children, though we all also live in fear of him and his aggression. We now still live under the same roof, but things are not much of a relationship anymore.
When I came across this site and saw that it catered to gay fathers, and I was very happy. I finally have found a place, that I hope others can relate with me. Even though I have my ups and downs, when it come to the relationship side, I am very pround to be a Gay Dad, and would never trade places with any single gay guy.
That being said, I hope that I can get to know other gay fathers here, and possibly have friends that I can relate to here. Thank you for reading, and I hope to be able to talk to some of you in the nearest future.

Thanks for introducing yourself, LuvingDad, and telling us a bit of your story. And wow, such a lot to try to respond to, so I guess I'll go slowly. After all, it's been a long day at work for me and a couple of glasses of wine, and I want to give your comments the attention they deserve, so probably I'll write more later.

First off, I applaud you for being the dad you are, and putting your children first. I know what you mean about the men who saw you as "tainted." It was the most ridiculous thing I swear I had ever heard, but I came up against some similar prejudices among gay men when I first came out. But there were plenty of good quality men who were not so shallow, and who became good friends. But yeah, if that's gay culture than gay culture needs a TON of revamping. Which... now that I mention it, I guess it really does. Maybe that's why groups like this one are so important. I have always believed that the best changes come through individual people and the influence they have on others.

And it's good to see so many other gay men out there whose chief priority is being the dad their children need them to be.

Anyway, it is obvious that you are in a bad relationship and I hope you are giving thought about what to do. You say you love the man, and I have just met you, so only you can be the judge of that. But just reading what I have here, it is clear that his life goals are not at all in line with your own, and they probably never will be.

It seems that sometimes we fall in love with the way we want things to be, not so much with the person we are with. Not that you have no affection for him, how can you not? But it sounds like both you and he were in love with an idea and none of it turned out to match that in reality.

Maybe we move to fast sometimes, who knows, but keep sticking to your convictions about the children and your place in their lives and ask yourself what needs to be done for you to continue to do that.

I'm sorry, I don't think you've asked for advice, but I am a mother hen here sometimes. Too much of one perhaps, but I worry when I see a good dad being treated in a way that is so grossly less than he deserves.

It is good to meet you, and I wish you all the best. I look forward to reading and chatting with you more.

Hang in there.

Yours,
David

Hi Jan! I really enjoyed reading your post, and I could really relate with it. I have custody of my daughter too. It's not always easy being a single gay dad, but like you, I wouldn't trade it.

Tim

Dear Fellow Gay Dads:
After reading many of the stories here, and seeing so many kindred spirits, I have to say I am very proud to now be a part of this site with all of you. You really know how to make someone feel welcome, and special. For many years, my life has been concentrated on work, and on my boys. To be able to talk to other gay dads out there is a blessing for me. I find a place where I feel understood, and I can understand other gay dads too. I would like to thank each and everyone of you for being who you are. You guys all mean the world to me, even though I may not know any of you personally.
Sincerely John (Loving Dad Of 3)

Awwww, shucks, John... you're too kind...

No wait, there's no such thing as being too kind... I wish there were lots more kindness in this world of ours...

I can well understand your happiness in finding our little corner of the web.... I was beyond ecstatic when I stumbled across it just weeks before separating from my wife and no longer living in the same house with my daughter... which tore me up....

But, the great guys here helped me immensely... so, even though my little girl is grown now (21 years old in just a month!!!! ) I'm gonna stick around in hopes that I might have a shoulder to lean on for other dads who are having difficulties and of course celebrate like crazy when our kids do great and wonderful things (which, of course, they're destined to do... because they have gay dads... easily and bar none the best sort of dad to have....

Nuff said...

All the best,

Smokey

John,

Howdy from TX! I am a newby here, but thought I would chime in on this post.

I too was surprised to see so many other similar stories. While our stories are similar with children, my wife (soon to be ex) is the most supportive and completely harmonious woman I have ever met. Thank God for that! My children have the best of both, A gay dad, and an incredible MOM!

I hope your relations with your partner go better, as it does seem a bit strained. I share your feelings about relationships, my kids come first! They are definetely part of the TOTAL package.

Best Wishes and Welcome!
Houtx