hello everyone.
my names derick, I'm 20, from Minnesota, gay, and am going to be a father in april. And i couldnt be more afraid and nervous. Not only am i going to be a young father, but a young GAY father at that... let me explain.

me and my roomate (ex-girlfriend before i came out and broke up over a year ago) have been living together for the last 6 months or so.. and somehow we ended up sleeping together on a one night thing. It was totally random and casual. Yes i'm gay but it just happened. We dated for a few years in high school, but broke up later on.

So now she's pregnant. I feel so out of control and bummed out. I never planned on having kids, and if i did, adoption would be my first choice in my late 20's... but things never work out like we want.
anywho, i would really really appreciate some advice on a few important topics that would really help me out.

first-telling my gay friends. How do i explain this to them? I mean, its confusing. I'm gay so why am i having a child with a women? i just am afraid of losing their respect and/or friendship (i know how silly that is...) I go to a gay youth group every wednesday and ever since i found out this i feel like im being fake and that im somehow less gay... ugh.

second- how am i ever going to find a date w/ a child? I am in a place in my life where i want to find a boyfriend and experince a relationship but i just dont know how that is going to fit in with a new baby.

any advice would be greatly appreciated guys.
thx much
derick.

Hi Derick and welcome to the forum!

Being twenty comes with plenty of questions even before you throw in being gay and an expectant father. I was twenty-five when my eldest was on the way. I remember questions like, “Am I really up to being a father?” “How can I be sure to provide for my child?”

Being a father is a responsibility. A good father provides for his child both physically and emotionally. A good father spends time with his child. It takes a lot of commitment to be a good father. I hope that you’re able to make that commitment.

This can be a fairly easy commitment to make. I fell in love with my eldest the minute she was put in my arms. I’ll never forget the perfume of my youngest when she was born. Even today when I sneak a smell of the top of her head, I’m reminded of that magical time.

Judging by the people on this site, gay fathers are good fathers. Being a father doesn’t make a person any less gay. Being a father doesn’t make a person any less bisexual or straight for that matter. Sure, statistically most fathers are heterosexual. But when dealing with individual people, we have to put statistics aside. When you do that, you see that sexual orientation is one part of your identity and being a father is another.

If you are committed to being a good father, you may find that there are more important questions than those you’ve asked. This is a good time to focus on the blessing you’ve been given. A baby is a special gift for a gay man, one that many guys only dream about.

Focus on the mother-to-be too. She needs your support. I really respect her decision to give birth to this baby. She has some unique challenges to face as the two of you co-parent. Make sure she’s open to your being an active father. Don’t be shy about getting legal counsel if you have any concerns about custody.

As far as telling your friends, true friends will accept this pretty readily. Gay men are pretty accepting. Some may be jealous, but they’ll get over it.

Don’t worry about a child hurting your chances of finding a partner. I strongly suggest telling potential partners up front about having a child. Mr Right will say something like “Cool. I’ve always wished I could be a dad!” Mr Right will follow that up by sharing the load too. Not everyone is up to that. To be honest you can probably expect to go through a few more potential partners than the average guy and this will lead to some heartache. Still, hold out for Mr. Right.

And since casual sex isn’t out of the question for you, I strongly suggest telling potential one-night stands about having a child. Mr Right Now will say “Cool. Let’s have sex!”

thx so much.
i feel much more secure and confident now...

its really really nice being able to talk to someone who actually understands because, truly, no one else completely does obviously.

hopefully things go well w/ me "coming out"(because thats almost how it feels all over again...) about having a baby. i'll keep you posted.

thx again!
peace
derick

Hey Derick,

I met up with a friend from San Fran recently in london, he and his partner live in the heart of the Castro, and we meet up once a year at a music festival. He was asking after my son, I was chatting about my dear bud here in gf.com, our founding faher and his three boys. Then John went onto reflect that he has noticed over recent years, a real increase in the number of kids buggies he sees out side shops and cafes...the weeders (wannabe breeders)he calls them!!!

Whilst research shows that gay guys with kids really are a minority (8%) within a minority within the male gay population.....we are a growing phenomena. I think gay men realize that not only now can they live their lives and enjoy relationships, get the respect and love from family, friends and society that we deserve....but we can if it is really what we want in our lives, live the dream and have a family too.

Research does show that gay guys have to work very hard to become parents, over come so many more hurdles and perhaps as a consequence of that, do prove themselves to be the best committed involved parents and the tremendously positive role models any child could hope for.

Being a parent is a huge responsibilty but one of the great joys, challenges and privilges in life. Other men will be envious of you, part of them will be attracted to you...fall in love with you ...because they just are attracted to another man who cherishes parenthood, and has that ability to share his life in this way... much more than stereotypical commedic representations on TV and the media might indicate.

Sure some guys will will not feel that way....sure some of your friends will question how this ever came about, and whether you have the character and will to step up to the mark as a young man and be the parent a child needs. Only you know how you truely feel....life is short and we get but one crack at it....today we can have our cake and eat it...be out gay men, live our lives to the full potential...and foster the love and affection of family...even or own.

Good luck, and let us know as often as you may, how things are going...let this place be your diary of what it is to be a young-ish guy who is a father and happens to be gay.

Cheerio for now..Vincent....xx

Hi Derick:

I'm another gay father in Minnesota. Most of the time when I tell a potential date that I have a child, they say "Oh cool!" I'll admit some are uncomfortable with her, but she is an important part of my life, and I've never found her to be a drawback in dating.

One aspect of being part of a gay community is celebrating diversity. If your friends have a problem with you being a father, it's their problem, not yours.

I wish you the best, and if you ever want to chat, I'm here for you.

Tim