I am a 32 year old dad of 2 incredible children. I am recently OUT, and am still going through the whole divorce process. My wife (soon to be ex-wife) is an incredible woman, with whom I have been married to for 13 years. I told her I was OUT in April, and she has become my best friend throughout the process. Many 'problems' in our relationship were clear and validated, and it caused us to focus on the positives of our relationship, our incredible friendship and 2 children.

She has since moved on with her life romantically, yet, I have been reluctant to committ to anyone. Being so new out, I really wanted to date around a little, to make sure I find the right person for my children's sake. Hence, my refusal to committ. I have not even dated much. I travel with work, quite a bit, and when home, usually try to spend most of my time with kids. I may go out occasionally, only after tucking the kids in to bed.

So, here is my edited version of my story. I am hoping to find some kindred men here.

Delightful to hear of another good relationship with the former wife! So often we don't hear that, and it really does take two people to make that happen.

My own relationship with my sons' mother had it's ups and downs, along with her own emotional highs and lows, but over time it has grown into something very good, and the kids have benefited from it.

It's a big subject I suppose and this has been a long day for me, so I am sure we'll revisit this. It's worth talking about.

Great to meet you, TX!

Welcome HouTX,

So glad to know that you and your soon to be former wife are doing well... I did pretty good with mine until she made some bad decisions and ended screwing herself up pretty badly...

Fortunately, that happened after my daughter was grown and in college, so the affect on her was somewhat more limited...

Nurture the friendship with her and keep your childrens' interests first and you should be fine.

As for dating, don't rush... and be very, very selective... there's lots of wierdos out there, whether one is straight or gay... and that's aside from the fact that you need to deal with ending your marriage and that relationship before you'll be ready to focus on a new relationship with a man.

At any rate, welcome to our little home here... I'd get you a drink but David drank all the wine and Vincent is doing his best guard dog impersonation and is growling at anyone who comes close to the liquor cabinet...

All the best,

Smokey

welcome to the site, and thanks for posting! My ex wife and I are still very good friends, too - she and her new husband bought the house next to mine. I have custody of my daughter, and the proximity is great for her.

Tim

Thank you for the feedback and warmth.

Tim, I thought that would be the perfect setup. She and I living next door, for the kids sake, am not sure how practical, but anyway.

Smokey, thanks for the advice on dating. I am picky but as her relationship has become more serious, I have become increasingly more lonely. Embarrasing to admit, but honest.

Son of Walt, I am glad to hear how the kids have benefitted from a positive relationship. This is my overall goal, keeping them FIRST. Even though, even this minute while I am typing this, I feel like I am being selfish by coming OUT, making choices that change this family unit, thinking, "Am I really keeping their feelings first?" Anyway, I am sure many have battled those same emotions.

Yeah, a lot of us have battled the same emotions, but keep in mind, it's not just their feelings that you are keeping first. It's them. And often that means being honest with them and providing them the truth. I know you second guess yourself, lord knows I have, but truth is it is better for them to see a father who has integrity and honesty and not one who is living a lie.

To be blunt, I think that often "staying together for the children's sake" is a crock. I was forced to ask myself how they would look at it later if they came to feel that I had been lying to them. And how could I teach them to live lives of integrity and strength if I couldn't do the same myself.

Please don't beat yourself up for making hard choices. And having an honest, healthier and happier dad is one of the best things you can do for your kids.

Welcome again, Houtex,

I can well understand the loneliness you feel... been there, done that, too many times... and made some bad choices that I'm glad are out of my life now...

You are at a point, Houtex, though, where you can truly rediscover your life... and that takes time... it's been my experience that an awful lot of people are desperate to be in a relationship... ANY relationship... so long as they are not alone...

And, ya know what? We are not alone... we have (for good or bad... ) family... we have friends.... we have our kids!!!!

Yes... having someone to hold close at night is a wonderful thing... but until one can be whole and at peace being just themselves and by themselves, one has little too offer other than the desperate need to be with someone...

You're only 32 (okay, to me that seems like a kid... )... It is far more important that one has the right man than just to have any man... I've seen too many self destructive men over the years who have accepted less than the trust, respect and decency that I think any real relationship requires. And so they end up on the roller coaster of shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to relationships...

I assume from your post that your wife has a new romantic interest.... Heck, celebrate that!!! You're truly off the hook!!! (Okay, I don't really mean to make light of the end of a marriage, but I hope you get my sense of humor here ... )

As for your coming out... it is absolutely the best thing for all involved... Would you want you and your wife to have labored through an unhappy marriage for many years just "for the sake of the children" (hello, we all know better than that one... )

But, more importantly, would you want to continue the fabrication that you're straight and set that as an example for your children? I find that being untruthful is not the example I would choose to present to my child... or anyone. You are absolutely right in coming out... why would we be less than totally honest with our children when we hope and pray that they will give us the same respect?

With apologies to Tim, I think a little more space is much healthier... and I have no desire to be good friends with my former wife's significant other... but, then, my daughter is an adult now... so these are not issues for me... I stayed close to my former wife and daughter because I wanted to be close to my daughter...

We often say here... stick to the high road... it's better that we take some knocks in the interest of our kids than to have them take them... heaven forbid....

Each situation is unique... at least we have this lovely place to vent...

All the best,

Smokey

Thank you both for commenting. I appreciate your honesty. It is comforting to know that others have traveled this road ahead of me.

Son of Walt: You are absolutely right about the "staying together...sake" comment. It is a crock. Believe me I know this is the best solution. This is as you stated, just a 'second guessing' state, not really a regret. Right now, we are in limbo somewhat. I am still cohabitating with HER, but final preparations are being made, in a civil manner. We understand our decisions are important, and need to be well thought out. One such instance, is explaining to the children about the divorce. One method of thought I had contemplated was to wait until they were on a school break. I did not want to break the news, and they have to go to school the next morning. I wanted them to have time to adjust to the news. In addition, I thought breaking the news to them while I was still here, showing that Mom and I still are a united front, but will be seperating, was wise. But, again, not sure what the best solution is... Maybe I am overthinking this.

Smokey: Firstly, regarding loneliness... it is more than intimacy at night. I am now losing friends over me coming out as 'gay'. I know the cliche', "It shows who your real friends are". But nonetheless, it is lonely here. I have gone to the bars, and whew, what a mess that is, it just really is not my scene, I guess. I dont fit in there. I no longer fit in with my STRAIGHT friends. WHERE DO I FIT? I feel like I am in Junior High all over again, trying to fit in with the preps, jocks, or the honor nerds. *LONG SIGH* I feel somewhat of a connection with this group, and a group I found here in Houston, Fathers FIRST. So far, I feel very welcome. Thank you.

Your right about wife with a new interest, I AM OFF THE HOOK! She has made it crystal clear to the NEW GUY, that he has to accept her and me, or neither. Yes, Will and Grace! It is so similar it is bizarre.

Thanks to both of you for the comments and advice.

HouTX

Hi HouTX,

I see the guys have been shedding some light on how life goes when we do come out and begin to deal with the difficult but crucially important issues re our ex's and relationships with the children. It seems you have in your wife a woman of great compassion and understanding, a partner who, when it comes to parenting will enable you all to maintain and build relationships....somewhat different to what they were, but nonetheless, positive and wholesome ones for the future which is fantastic.

Remember that you came out in the end because you neded to be honest....and be the man you really are at heart, so whilst over compensating with the kids, do make time for your self. The intimacy, the loss of friends, the issues others may have with you as you come out to more and more poeple who know you is a challenge. I lost most of my friends when I did come out, and this can happen in a divorce when a couple have been together a good few years. You need to begin to either re-build...or begin anew with others...and finding some good gay buddies will be a starting point. It isn't all about intimacy as you say, however there are so many gay guys out there who have been to the bars etc, and know the scene....and therefore realize that friendships may last a lot longer than many of the initial relationships you experience when dating. That said be prepared to be surprised...a fatastic guy who is into you, your kids etc may well appear when you least expect him ...or when you are not looking...so be open to that and take a risk from time to time to see if that frog is your prince; if that is what you want in life now.

I trust you continue in this positive vein with your soon to be ex, the time to tell the kids the details of the changes in their lives and the why's of it...well there is no perfect time really, but the sooner the better, and with both of you present and in positive mind about it will help...esp if other family members already know and are supportive, and not judgemental.

Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to hearing how the kids deal with this...and benefit from knowing their loving happy gay dad...it happens, and is great believe me.

Cheerio for now...Vincent....xx

Vincent,

You are right, SHE is outstanding! I am a bundle of nerves regarding talking to my children. But, once it is all over...I know it will be what is the best for the children.

HouTX

Evening Houtex,

Trust these guys here.... they've been through everything you have in one form or another... we won't always know EXACTLY what you're going through but most have been through something similar, at any rate....

Coming out to the kids? That one is generally a no brainer... the change to the family is usually far more difficult... but, you're right on target to do it with your wife, assuring the children that they will always be the most important part of your lives... Experience here has taught me that most kids don't give a damn who Dad sleeps with as long as Dad is there for them... and, as I recall (and correct me if I'm wrong) your children are still very young... if you present being a gay man as just a regular kinda thing, they'll accept it as being just that.

Hee hee... well, for what it's worth, I've always felt like the odd man out when it comes to most anything gay... pretty much any gathering of mostly gay men makes me feel uncomfortable just cuz I don't fit in... But, I'm glad you found a father's group... that will help, I hope... And, I guess that social gay groups are a little less intimidating than bars... I'm sure there much be some where you live...

Most importantly, I think you should take your time here... As Vincent said, make some friends, get the unfortunate and sad business of ending your marriage done, make sure the kids are well... and start living your life on your terms..

And that involves weaning yourself away from your wife... it's great that she's so supportive but when the time comes that you find someone that you want to become serious about, having a "Grace" to your "Will" who happens to be your former wife could be an issue for a possible suitor... but that's for the future... take each step as you need to...

Enough rambling...

All the best,

Smokey