Hello Gay Dads -- I joined the old GF about 2 years ago, benefited GREATLY from the discussions and advice, and then had repeated problems accessing the site. I've missed the group, though, so I'm trying again :-) It's great to see you all!

I wrote my coming out story last year for another site and will copy it here with some updates:

My story is similar to many others I've heard. A childhood centered in church and family. A growing awareness that I was attracted to guys, not girls, coupled with systems of massive denial. My identity was centered in being a good boy, an obedient son, a committed Christian. Inner nudgings toward ministry set me on a path that included a Christian college and seminary - places where being gay was just not an option. I couldn't imagine a life that didn't include a wife, children, and the respect of others for being a Christian role model.

Being a pastor and practicing spiritual disciplines did nothing to diminish the power of my innate sexuality. I got married to a remarkable woman, hoping the Christian counselors were correct that it would be a sign of my 'healing.' No doubt a very bad decision, though I'm deeply grateful for the two wonderful children who came out of our marriage.

In 2001 the unthinkable happened. On the day after my 40th birthday, I met a man with whom I experienced an immediate emotional connection. Until then I assumed my attraction to men was only physical and that periodic encounters with men had been a kind of addiction - but not related to who I really was. A very brief 'fling' with this man ended when he challenged me to be completely honest with myself. A gay, Jewish agnostic man demonstrated greater integrity than this married Christian pastor, and his words began what ultimately resulted in my coming out.

For over a year I committed myself once more to finding my 'true identity in Christ' as a heterosexual, or at least as a homosexually abstinent male. I cashed in everything. I came forward to my superiors in the church and surrendered my ordination credentials. No job, no income, no stability. Just incredible pressure and an angry, distraught wife. We attended a 10-day intensive counseling program in Colorado at great expense. I entered reparative therapy... again... realizing on some level that the treatment was sub-standard if not bogus, but hoping that God would honor my efforts and finally fix me.

By Nov. 2002 I couldn't pretend to believe any more that the counseling was helping. I asked too many questions one day and received a lengthy tongue lashing from the counselor for my lack of faith. So I stepped back from a lifetime of effort and committed myself for the first time to pursuing the truth about myself and homosexuality. For 8 months I suspended judgment while studying social and biological sciences, scripture, and theology. And submitted to a psycho-sexual evaluation with a bona fide sex therapist to determine whether I was 'bi' or truly gay. I came to believe that the 'addiction' was a compulsion rooted in the fear and shame I experienced because of my attractions. Further, I believed the compulsion would only be resolved by accepting my orientation, a revelation I received while journaling in prayer, and which has since proven to be true. The day I was able to first utter the words "I am gay" in late spring, 2003, was one of the hardest days of my life. I wept in the arms of my wife. And with her began the excruciating discussions that resulted in the decision to separate and divorce.

Life is getting better... I've developed a home-based art business that has been quite successful, and in Nov. 2004 was received into a gay-friendly denomination where I am serving bi-vocationally for the time being (see, I guess I'm 'bi' after all - haha :-) Though I've lost a couple of close friends as the result of identifying as gay, most friends - and all of my family - have been strongly supportive. My kids - ages 13 and 11 when I came out to them - have not wavered in their love for me, and we have a wonderful relationship. I live mid-way between my kids' school and their other home, and am currently able to see them almost every day. Since March 2005 I've been partnered with a fantastic man who lives about an hour away from me in the city where I work. I expect some changes to occur in the next year as we figure out where 'our home' will be and what that means re: my kids.

If someone had told me a few years ago that I would one day be an out, proud gay man, I would not have believed it. While the losses and challenges of life seem great at times, the benefits of peace of mind, self-control, and inner integrity are much greater.

I look forward to connecting with all of you!

{David runs and tackle hugs Rick!}

It's so good to see you again, Rick! Glad to have you in the new house, and wonderful to know things are well with you.

Hi Rick,

Wow, incredible story. I am impressed that you have managed to move through it all and so quickly find yourself in a serious relationship.

I have to agree with you Rick, the sexual compulsion, or addiction, seems to have become less of an issue for me also once I have finally been able to admit I am a gay man and stop living life as a lie.

What denomination were you previously a minister with? I am presuming it was not an evangelical born again church, or am I wrong?

Best of luck to you

David (alphapax)

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Ghandi

Just checked out your photo album, Rick! OMG, your kids have grown! The last picture I remember seeing of eric, his hair was short and he wore glasses! Can you believe my Josiah is now officially taller than I am? lol Anyway, it's obvious your kids are loved well and know it. They seem very relaxed and happy, like their father.

PS Alphapax, I just love your quote from Ghandi. Very good thoughts to help one focus as he heads out the door on a cold day.

Thanks, David and David! It's good to be back. Thanks for the remarks on my kids - yes, they're growing up fast! To Alpha-David: I was a pastor in the United Methodist Church. Not exactly known as a 'born-again' church, but I was among the conservative/evangelicals. I'm in the United Church of Christ now. My partner Leroy grew up in the Nazarene Church - a VERY conservative denomination - and attended one of their colleges - but ironically joined the UCC shortly before we met (through circumstances unrelated to church.) Dang, that's a lot of church talk. Even though I'm a pastor, I don't think of myself as 'churchy'- at least I hope I'm not ;-)

Hello Rick, like David, I found your story absolutely amazing. In so many ways, I've had the same journey, although in no way do I have the faith or relationship that you probably have with God.

I think at this point I'm more in the rejection mode (as in God rejecting me kind of feelings).

I've also gone down the path of reparative therapy, but only to the extent of talking to one of the more famous individuals a few times on the phone only to realize immediately that it was a huge sales pitch with no real chance of success. I think that topic would be good for another line of posts.

I admire you for finding yourself in a relationship, truly.

Anyway, nice to see you, meet you.

Cheers.

Jim

Hey Rick,

Good to see you here. Thanks for being so open with your story. I'm glad that it's developing positively.

James

PS. - you will be bringing Leroy with you to TO next July, right?