Hi All..

I, thankfully, just happened to fall upon this website. I have several gay friends. However, none have the privilidges and challenges of being a gay parent. I know I don't fit in the "straight world", but at times, I don't really feel I fit in the "gay world" either. To say the least, I was thrilled to happen upon the site.

I am 41....I was married for 17 year before coming out. I was from a very "religious" background. I lost a lot of "so called" friends when I came out 3 years aog, with the exception of 2 couples, who have stood with me the whole time. I have begun making a few new friends.

I have 3 children. The oldest is "adopted". He's 24 and gay. We met around the same time I was about to come out. He was new to the area...very young...on his own..and needing someone to be his friend and give him some guidance. So, I became his "dad". I love him as if he were a biological child. I encouraged him to go back to college and he's graduating in May with a Philosphy degree and he's been accepted to Law School in the fall. He's the only one of my children who actually lives with me. I have a 15 y.o. daughter...She's beautiful, extremely intelligent, and gifted vocally. She attends a Performing Arts High School in my area. Finally, but not least, I have a 12 y.o. son. He's all boy ! loves, sports, animals, hunting, fishing...and GIRLS! He's very straight..Ya know..every gay family needs a straight child...Keeps us humble !! LOL !!

Of course, our family has the wide array of animals too. 3 dogs, parakeet and a leopard spotted geiko.

I have joint custody of the biological children and I am extremely active in their life...They are with me 3 days of the week and other times if I have the availability.

Dating...What's that? I would love to know how anyone who's a gay parent finds the time!!

Anyway... there's the Basics. Looking forward to getting to know some of you and gleaning your experiences.

Hi Jeff,

Welcome to the group and thanks for the intro re your kids. I like you was married for a similar no of years, but just have the one son who turns 17 in March....and is the straight guy in our family too....lol, keeps me humble and vaguely scared all the time!

So you came out in your late thirties then...not an un-common experience I can tell you, and it is great to read that the kids still live with you a significant part of the time. Interesting situation with the gay adopted son. Kind of a Torch Song Trilogy feel to it (which I just watched again last night with my b/f and a friend who was staying over for a couple of days). How have the kids reacted to this new, older gay sibling? I am sure there were raised eye-brows on the part of some family and friends? You come out, meet and be-friend a younger gay man who moves in, did it cause any difficulties with the kids mother/family/the kids?

You know this question of dating has featured a number of times. Sure gay men with kids are a minority within a minority (8% of gay men some surveys show) and at times we feel not quite part of the community we think we now should belong too. My friends gay or straight have without exception been great about it, but obviously as an active involved parent it is not without consequences. I met the man I share my life with now when I was 40, he knew from day one what the situation was and where my priorities lay. Now that is not to say he wasn't...isn't a huge priority in my life, but parents have a role and he understands. We need to get the balance right in out lives.....we didn't come out for nothing, and gay relationships make Dad a good healthy happy man....AND parent.

Anyhow, welcome Jeff, great to read what your life is like now...love to hear more. Don't be afraid to comment or ask questions.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

Hi Vince,

Thanks for your "hello", questions and commnents.

You are very right in some of your questions about my relationship with my gay son. Of course, my ex wife was telling everyone that she thought I was sleeping with him. Even though, I know she knew in her heart, I wasn't. I'm no pedaphile. and even though he was 20 when he became apart of my family...there is a 17 year difference between us...he was younger emotionally at the time. The wrong guy in the wrong situation, at the time, could have take advantage of him. Thankfully, we met, and I was able to get involved in his life. IN the beginning, more like a big brother...but after he met my biological children and became close with them, it was very apparent he needed not only a family, but a dad.

Elliot (my gay son) and my 2 other kids (Jessica and Andrew) are the best of friends. There was never a moment of jealousy from the 2 younger children, at all. They welcomed him into our family with open arms. They hang out together...laugh together... make fun of their dad together...and get in trouble together. LOL. Andrew will not buy a piece of clothing without Elliot's approval. LOL..(our own version of Queer Guy....) In fact, The kids refer to Elliot as their big brother and he tells others, he has 2 younger siblings. Each of them have a picture of the 3 of them together on the covers of their cell phones. I am a very fortunate man, to have such wonderful kids, who get along so very well.

Congratulations on meeting your partner and his understanding of your relationship with child. Maybe, one day, I will be able to write a similar comment.

Interesting statistic that only 8% of gay men have children.. A true minority.

I'm not sure I have found it anywhere on the website...but I would love to know the history of the site and how you guys, who administrate the site became friends and put all this together.. If there is a history section.. I may have missed it.

Thanks again for your comments.

Well Jeff, I will leave the entire history lesson of Gf.com to David our founding father. Suffice to say the group celebrates it's 5th anniversarry at the end of the month, with I hope, the announcement of an exciting project.

David and the late and much missed Dennis founded the group as a network and resource for gay men who were fathers and looking for support. Smokey joined not long after as a manager and then around a year later after I had been in the group a while, I was invited to help out. Others have assisted along the way since, off and on. The old site was with msn, but we moved here a couple of years ago now and so far so good.

For the past 4 years I have vacationed with David and his wonderful family in PA and met Smokey too when in the States, although this year (well 2006) David travelled with his partner and one of his boys over to Ireland and stayed with us. For me it has been a terrific experience, made me a better man and father, given me my dearest friend in the world, and changed my family's lives in ways I could never have anticipated.

It is really great to hear how you kids now get on together in this new situation, a testiment I guess to how they have been raised, and a timely reminder if ever we needed one, that our kids really are the future.

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx

Welcome to the group, Jeff! I have found that the group has helped me through some rough times... quite often, I just read the posts of other members, and occasionally I make a reply or a new post. - It depends upon whether I have anything to say.. But GF is very valuable to me - as a resource and a source of inspiration, and a place of belonging and inclusion.

Anyways, I have one boy, who will grow up to be whatever he wants to be, in a world that is a bit more free than when his old man went thru it. - I came out at 40...

Anyways, nuff about me. Welcome to the group!

Hi There Wizard of 'OZ'

Thanks for the hello. I so appreciate your "hello" and welcome to the community.

I, too, am like you and came out in my midlife...I was in my late 30's when I came out. How old is your son? I'm sure he is your world, like my children are to me. And you are so right... Our kids will have an easier time of being who they are supposed to be and not what others expect them to be....NOT only because that society has changed...but also, because of the parents they have...NOT necessarily trying to pat ourselves on the back, but we know what it's like to hide who we really are..and we would never want our kids to do so...

Have a great day !!!

hello Jeff and welcome!

I have been here a few years now and have been out myself about the same length of time. I've been divorced since May of '04 and I suppose I came out sort of officially in the summer of '03.

I have 3 daughters, 15, 10, 5 and came out 3 Christmases ago to them. They were and have been completely ok with it all, especially the oldest who I often exchange 'who's hot' ideas with. Anyway it's a great relationship I have with my daughters.

I'd like to welcome you here and say there are a bunch of great guys here, maybe you can join us sometime for an online chat.

Cheers!

Jim

Hi Jim,

Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I have been made to feel extremely welcome in this online community. When I came out, I came out to all. My kids have been absolutely wonderful the whole time. And yes...I would enjoy chatting with you guys.

Congratulations on being so brave and becoming the person you are meant to be.

Jeff

My son Cody is 10. Here is a link to my photo album:

http://gayfatherhood.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/50010989/m/519108471

Take Care!

Hi there.

What great pics... Your son is a cutie. Having a family is such a beautiful thing.

I'll have to post some of my families' pics on a photo album soon

Hey, Jeff, welcome to the group. Good to see you jumping in with both feet!

Yes, the history section. Um... er... I was just working on that not long (actually it was long ago) ago...

lol... in fact there might be a long post or two about that, but Vince is right, we are almost five years old and are planning some celebrations as part of that. For now the history has been scattered throughout the posts.
This site has been a constantly growing labor of love though and I really would like to put up a history page.

Along with the wonderful visits between Vincent, Smokey, their families and mine, some of our members got to meet on Rosie's cruise a year or so back, and I've heard tale of a few others who got to meet up. Smokey, we discovered only lives two hours to my south and he'll be making another trip north to see Garison Keilor in Williamsport with me in February.

Okay, more from me later, I am going off to work at a truly ungodly hour this morning! Thanks again for joining up. Glad to see you making yourself at home.

Yours,
David

OH! Yeah, and that whole dating question. I guess I have a different slant on that, but I wasn't lucky enough to have my kids with me full time.

The upside and down of it was I did do some dating, probably too much. More on that later, as you've tripped some interesting self-evaluative thoughts in my head (is evaluative even a word?)

Hi There, Son of Walt,

I really have been welcomed to the group with open arms. It has been so wonderful to look back at some of the Forums and read what people are thinking and going thru !! I really am not alone out here. Amazing !!

Congratulations on the Anniversary !! I'm just sad, I haven't beeen apart from the beginning, or the very least, since coming out.

Everyone may see some posts at some very odd hours. I work 3rd shift with my company as an Operations Analyst and whenever I have some down time, I log on and Perouze (is this a word ? LOL). On my nights off, after the kids go home and Elliot, my oldest, is studying, I have logged on Chat, just to see who may appear. Thus far, I haven't had the privilige to chat with anyone. However, I think it's a wonderful, untapped resource.

The whole dating thing ! I do date some, but it's not very frequent being I have the children as much as I do, and then, my crazy work schedule. Thus far, I have only introduced the kids to a couple of the guys I have gone out with. My rule has been that I don't introduce a guy to the kids for at least 1 month after dating begins, with the exception of Elliot, my oldest. I value his opinion and appreciate his input, and being Elliot lives with me, He gets to meet the "guy" eary on.

I look forward to hear more from you as I caused you to become more "self-evaluative" ( LOL )

Jeff

Jeff,

You ventured down the path of talking about dating and at first I thought I'd just remain quiet but I can't help but to say something here.....

I think there are two elements from a gay dad's perspective (at least two anyway) on dating:

1. finding the time and the courage with the kids to deal with somehow working in any kind of romantic encouters/date.

2. finding another person, with whom you'd actually have a romantic encounter/date.

My own experience is that #1 is something you can more easily figure out and manage. As of yet, I have not introduced my own kids to anyone who I've dated because my own rule is that if I introduce them to someone, it must be someone I could see myself with in another year at least. I do not want to expose them to constant newcomers but then that's not really a problem anyway as it turns out.

Number 2 has less to do with the kids, although any potential person would of course need to be comfortable with the idea of kids in their lives, at the end of the day and naturally not every other guy will fit into this.

I think finding or meeting someone with whom you'd have a potential for a date is more problematic. Well it is for me anyway and probably it's not that way necessarily for everyone.

Most guys I know who are gay fathers don't have problems meeting guys to date, they just have issues with the kids or maybe in making committments in general.

However, life is not that simple. As I'm sure most will agree, it's not just being a nice guy that gets the charmer for the date. Think about it.


Cheers.

Jim

Hi Jim,

Thanks so much for your comments on dating.

I, totally, agree about "finding a another person with whom you would actually want to date". At my age of ripe old 41, I find few guys that I would date. The good ones seem to be mostly taken. Sadly, I seem to lump most others in 3 categories.

1. The ones so damaged from prior relationships, and left crippled; unable to maintain a mature relationship.

2. The other guys around my age, are looking for a quick "hookup", a buddy to play with, with nothing else to offer or willing to offer.

3.The last seem to be the guys who have been alone a little to long, hit middle age and are now "stuck in a rut". A true example: I met this guy at Barnes and Noble (cute guy, by the way). He asked for my number and AIM ID. We have been talking and chatting for about 3 weeks now. Tonight he called me at 7:40 and said he wanted to talk to me now, because the rest of his evening was fiiled with all of his favorite shows and he didn't want to be bothered !!! BLEEEEEEEP!!!! NEXT!!!! Sorry, but that man needs to get out more...However, not with me !!
LOL !!

The next comment I would like to address, was your comment about not wanting your kids to be exposed to constant newcomers. LOL. I will assure you, I don't have a revolving door of gentlemen callers !!! And I do agree, dads in general (straight or gay) need to use discretion when introducing that new "someone". I do think a sign of a good dad, is the ability to "take the pulse" of the family and recognize when and how to possibly introduce that new "someone".

I do so appreciate your comments and I think you are "right on".

Thanks for speaking up !

Jeff