Hi all,
My name is John and I just joined this group.
I am a gay dad. I have 3 sons, 2 stepsons and 1 natural. I left my wife a year ago and am finally getting settled in. A year later, my wife is still angry and I don't see an end in sight. I was really hoping we could be more than just civil separated parents, actually be friends. But... Anybody have any input on this? Also, I have met someone and though we're only dating a short period, (6 months), we're kind of talking about moving in together eventually. How do I handle this with the wife and son? (he's 10, knows I'm gay, and I have shared custody 50/50.) He knows and likes my future partner a lot, but doesn't know we're "dating". Any advice would be great. I think I've hit my first real hurdle.
John (Buffalo, NY)

Hi John,

Welcome to Gayfatherhood. I hope you enjoy the community. I'm Jeff. I'm a gay dad, who's been out almost 3 years now. I have 3 kids...1 adopted son, who is gay, as well (he was known to our family, but I adopted him after leaving my former wife)....and 2 biological children (daughter, 15 and son, 13). I was married for 17 years before coming out and after 2 years of seperation, my divorce was final on March 26. It's been a long, hard road with her, but I would much rather have gone down this path than remain married and living a lie to myself, my children, my friends and even her.

After 2 years of seperation and now divorced, we are not friends, but we are civil. We, both, are committed to the wellbeing of our biological children. Of recent, I have bought her portion of our house. She will be moving to a condo in a couple of months, being she didn't want the upkeep of a house and yard. We have been working together, cleaning out the attic, closets, etc. It's been kind of therapeutic. We've laughed over past memorabilia and pictures. It seems for us, time was the biggest catalyst for healing.

I came out to my children as soon as I moved out. I didn't date right away on purpose. I wanted them to get used to the idea of their dad prefering men over women. When I did meet a really nice guy, I first introduced him as a really good friend, and over time I let the kids ask the questions. I just didn't tell them more than they were ready to hear. My kids seem well balanced and healthy. I have an absolutely wonderful family. I'm not sure if my coming out has been easier because the younger children idolize their big brother, who is gay too. However, I will say, it hasn't hurt.

Hi John,
IF I could also with Jeff welcome you to gf.com, and remind you that reading the postings here will show that you are not alone in this situation...but take heart we have had so many guys that initially wondered whether life would ever get better, their kids accept them and most often.....the ex-wife stop trying to yank your chain and get on with her own life? AND the answer is a resounding yes!

Firstly, your son may only be ten, but don't assume he doesn't recognize that the friend you have introduced to him, isn't more than that to you...he will see the signals, and that will already help him adjust to how your life is now. I am a firm beliver in honesty and integrity with our kids, it's what we want from them, so they need to see that in us too. If he has accepted that you are gay, well the next step is to see you happily in the company of a guy. Just be careful re the overt displays of affection initially, be sensitive to his feelings, talk to him, and always remember that he has a father and a mother and both of you are equally important in his life.

As for your ex-wife, well the anger can last a long time. That sense of betrayal and mis-trust is natural when they realize why you ended the relationship and because you are gay!....they feel so many emotions, and it can take a while to accept it, loose the sense of humiliation.....and see that life is to short to contnue to focus on what was, and how to make you pay etc.

So be natural with your b/f, let your son see how loving and fun a relationship it is, and happy you are, he will realize that is a good thing for him too. Be ready to answer his questions openly and honestly...remain the Dad you always were...just let him know he remains central to your life and that having another guy in it doesn't change that.

My son was 11 when he asked me if I was gay and whether my partner,was gay and my b/f....he already knew, had, had time to get used to it, and when the time was right for him, we answered all his questions.

So good luck and again, glad you found us..what about the two stepsons???

Cheerio for now...Vincent...xx