I'm one of the more silent members of the group. I was sure that I posted a brief intro a couple of years ago at the old site- but I can't find it now so I guess I'll start from scratch.
I'm 35, married, have two girls 6 and 4. Always struggled with attraction to men and finally entered counselling about a year ago.
I guess that sounds like I was trying to get rid of the attraction, which is not the case.
I am struggling currently with deciding if I want /should stay with the wife.
I told my wife that I was bisexual prior to marriage - and it was a struggle for me to get to that point. Have always wondered if I was straight or gay prior to any sexual encounters. Having experienced both and like both, I settled on considering myself as bisexual.
I'll admit that I desired to be accepted by society as a whole - and felt that it wouldn't happen if I was gay. Plus, I did want to have kids and felt that could only be done if I found myself a wife.
That was 10 years ago - and I still struggle with sexual attraction to men. I find women attactive also - but its also sexual with men.
I guess my thinking has shifted more to that I am actually gay - but that is what we are discussing in counselling.
Plus, the relationship with the wife has deteriorated in that we are both so busy with our careers and the chlidren, we often forget about making time for each other.
Consequently, I feel we have lost the reason that we got together in the first place. We consequently struggle with communication - or lack thereof - by both of us.
In counselling, I have realized that I have been so afraid of what others would think - that I make sure I do what they want - that I have lost knowing what exactly it is that I want
What I know I do want is: to ensure that I have an excellent relationship with the kids no matter what happens.

HI Baxterbrown2,

I read your post a couple of days ago and wanted to think a bit before I responded.

First, I want to say, I appreciate your bravery for even making a post. I know a few years ago, when I was struggling with myself and who I was, I wouldn't have considered making a post for fear of "big brother" or "big sister" finding out. In fact, I was afraid to make a post for fear of actually seeing the words in front of me. It somehow solidified my thoughts...validated them. Also, having a deeply religious background, I felt like that I would lose all my friends if I decided to live in freedom and not to the bondage of "my society".

Over time, I realized that I was not only living a lie to myself, but to my children. My marriage had never been ideal..but I was raising my kids to think that the "relationship" I had with their mom was "normal". Also, I was living a lie to my kids. I didn't want them to grow up not really knowing their dad.

I will not imply to you what I think you should do, I'm not in any way trying to influence your decision. I don't walk in your shoes. However, let me say....you are not alone.

If you decide to live free and open as a gay man....Life as you know it, will change. I will not pretend to tell you it is easy at first. In my experience, it wasn't easy at all, at first. If you choose to live open and free..stay in therapy....and find a support network. GF is a great community to be apart, but try to find a support network where you have actual human contact, as well. Volunteer, give back to the community. The Point is; get out there. If you choose to "come out" don't isolate yourself. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. NOTHING at all !!!!!

I support you...I've been there. Many of us in this wonderful community have been there too.

BTW...don't be such a "silent member". Speak up !!! You have something to offer !!!

Jeff