Hello, everybody.

I'll be honest, I joined this group because I'm looking for people to participate in some online research I'm doing. Then I remembered that I'm not just a researcher. I am a dad, like all of you, and I'm gay. It's likely that the reason I was drawn to this group was not because it was a rich recruiting ground (whatever!) but because it was simply inviting to a guy like me.

I've read through a few threads in the discussion areas. Jim and his bitter tirades were most familiar to me. Oh, I'm not ragging on Jim...I'm empathizing. I've felt that way. The responses from other group members were firm but warm...the words of friends. I thought that was great.

So...I'm gay enough. I'm dating someone, but I don't know if that will ever go anywhere, and it's a low priority for me anyway right now.

I have two sons in my house right now. One, my 15 year old biological son from my first marriage, has lived with me since he was 6. He's now almost 16, and there seems to be a direct correlation between how tall he is and how complicated things are. Love the boy, he's wonderful, and no, my sexuality is not and has never been an issue.

The other boy is a 17 year old young man who came to stay with us last fall when his family life got a little hard for him to handle. We are just trying to make sure that he can at least finish high school. He and his mother are friends of mine, and I agreed to help them out by letting him move in here. He's never had a dad, which seems important to him, so I'm trying to give him what he needs at this point in his life--a stable home with no yelling and lots of encouragement.

I don't get out much. Like many of the members of this group, I often feel a little ... like I don't quite belong in what passes for "queer culture" in Las Vegas. Or anywhere, for that matter. I guess it is because my sexuality isn't the foundation of my identity, just a part of it. Strange how not feeling like I belong doesn't make me any less gay, really.

Okay, so...I do travel. I teach. I have a house, but I'm terrible at remodeling projects so it's a little torn up...takes me forever to finish things. Just turned 40, and don't feel different at all.

What else to say? I'm pretty comfortable in my life, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to converse from time to time with people whose lives look a little like mine. Thanks for being those people.

best
troy

Hi Troy,

Sounds to me like you are doing what many fathers do...getting on with it, being the best Dad you know how to, sharing the love and strength within you with those you know and care for.You are being a marvellous role model for both those boys. My son is 16, like your son having a father who is amongst other things gay is not the least of his issues,lol, but it is well, well down the list!!!

So a couple of things...online research, what's that all about? You're dating someone but that isn't a priority in your life...mmmh, well even though gay men in our position don't always relate to gay culture in the manner you describe, we are gay, it is fundamental to who we are, the decisions we have made, and I think the emotional, psychological and physical aspects of being gay, interacting with other gay men, being part of our community, having relationships should not be underestimated, or downgraded as an aspect of our personal lives.

I read your post and can relate to it alright, especially as my son lives with me (well 50% of the time)....and I'm sure many of the guys here who are making homes, working, have said farewell to their struggles and triumphs of their 20's, are working at being a family man, having a b/f and connecting with gay community and culture, know what a circus act that can be sometimes. Oh and as for the house being torn up....been there , it will be worth it once you...or a skilled tradesman finishes it off.

Cheerio for now...Vincent..xx

quote:

ed tra

I'm not underestimating or downgrading anything about being gay. When I said that my relationship was a low priority, I just meant that it is in a holding pattern that probably will not change in the near future. He has his career (which tends to hold him in place), I have mine (which tends to take me places), and our lives are not really "matched up" at the moment. I'm concentrating on my work, handling the kids, dealing with my rather complex home life (and I haven't really described it fully). I'm trying to move, actually, out of this city to be closer to my family. He's well-established here, and not leaving anytime soon. What's nice about it is that we are not stressed about these differences as a couple. It's just the way things are. It might change in the future, or it might not.

What I will say is that I am no longer feeling desperate to be attached to someone, no longer feel it is necessary to be out there beating the bushes for an elusive and often painfully temporary flash of ROMANTIC LOVE ... No, I'm not cynical, really, but I like the steady comfort of my relationship as it is now. Intellectually, I think I have problems with this situation from time to time, though.

Besides, I convinced him to adopt a dog like mine a while back (I have two schipperkes), and then he adopted a second one and now spoils them both. I think those dogs have done more to distract us from the possibilities of our relationship than anything else (wink). Ah, but he loves those dogs, and when we do things together with all the pups--four little mean-looking black dogs--we have a great time (although for others at the dog park, our "pack" is often scary

The research. I'm studying "non-heterosexual family culture," basically surveying people on relationships and values. The study is called "Quest for Quotidian." Be warned: For gay dads, it is likely to be a very long survey because of the probable relationship histories members of this group have in common. If anyone is interested, he can visit http://www.socioscape.com/quo, the blog on the research at http://quest4quotidian.blogspot.com, or write me with questions.

And Vince is in Ireland, eh? Very cool. My son spent three years attending school in Edinburgh, but returned to the US for high school. I know, Edinburgh is not in Ireland (laugh), but because he has so many friends in Scotland, it gives us an excuse to go to Dublin...I'll stay there while he takes EasyJet or RyanAir over to run around with his mates from school. Planning to do something like that once this study is complete.

Thanks for the warm welcome. Hope to talk more soon.

tm

Hey, well if you are over in Dublin, you must come north for a nosey, it's only an hour or two by car or train, we would love to meet other guys from Gf.com...and I can promise you a good bed for the night and a fine breakfast, followed by a tour round the place too.

We live just outside Belfast in a town called Newtownards, it's only been a town for 800 years..lol. We would be more than happy to put you guys up and show you around, we have two dogs too, A West Highland Terrier and a Golden Retriever!! I trust you didn't take my comments re your relationship or how you view being gay to heart...as you say life can be complex.

I will have a look at the survey...and maybe we will get the chance to chat over a cuppa sometime soon.

cheerio for now...Vincent...xx