Hello Everyone,

Just a quick note to introduce myself. I lice in beautifull province of Quebec up north. I'm the father of a wonderfull daughter that just turned 13. I'm very close to her,as she grows up things are evolving nicely and it's nice to see her becoming independant. SHe's from a straight marriage that is still going on ... I know this is kinda weird. I told my wife 8 years ago that I was attracted to men and that I should explore this part of me (which I did for a while). I guess the easiest way would have been to breakup but we just havent find the way to do that. I'm sure most of you have gone through this situation, but it also depends of your wife reaction. Mine is in total deneyal, she just doesn't want to see reality even though I explained to her the situation. ANyway that is pretty much my situation. Looking forward to exchange with all of you about fatherhood and other things.

Ryan

Ryan! Nice to see you posting on the message boards. Sorry I have been a busy beaver elsewhere again, but I'm looking forward to being able to devote a bit more time now to my favorite website, yeah, this one.

Anywho, thanks for posting and again, welcome to GF. Yes, you'll notice a variety of dads around here, from various situations, but I'm sure that a good chunk of our group can identify with your situation. I just cannot imagine staying in the relationship for as long as you had. I was pretty torn and confused at one time, and mostly afraid of losing my children if she were to become hostile.

But eventually, before a year was up, I could do it any more. She and I had both felt suicidal. She wanted me to go to therapy (to get repaired), and I wanted her to come to my therapy sessions. We tried "arrangements," but honestly, I knew that her acquiescence was really because she was as terrified as I was of losing the "family" unit. Starting over is so scary.

But I felt like I was living two lives and I had an urgent need to just be one person, to be honest, to be myself and that this mess was doing my children no good. It took a long time to make things amicable, but it worked out, and now Gin and I are good friends as well as parents.

But that's my situation. I understand others have different experiences. What, may I ask, makes you stay?

Again, thanks for being here, Ryan!

Yours,
David

Hey David,

Thanks for the feedback. I can totally understand what you are saying about the need to be honest, to be one person.

To answer your question, I'm not sure what is making me stay, I guess it's a lot of small different things such as the fear of the unkown, the fear of losing the family unit for sure and the what will people say.

I'm not so sure how to do the actual cut. I imagine it's as simple as taking my things and go. But then what will happen after? A lot of confusion and also just the everyday life that seems to drag us forward. At some point I think I was waiting to meet mister right, that one unique person that would make me want to move. But I'm not comfortable to establish a relationship while I'm still engage with someone. But I'm about to turn 40 and I feel it's about time I do something.

I know she's very resentfull eventhough she will not talk about it. SOmething I wonder is will that anger go away? In your case how did things happen. How did it go after you left? Again it realy feels good to hear about your story.

Hi Ryanart,

Yes starting over is difficult and breaking up is painful. But, as you are experiencing, staying together is also painful and that will continue until 'something' happens. That something is when both of you accept that neither one of you are comfotable in your curent siutation. All of this is very scary as you say.

All I can do is give you the outcome of what happened in my relationship. Today (8 year after the divorce) my ex and I have a woderful relationship. We have three wonderful daughters. All know I am gay and did about a year after our marriage broke up (I think they knew before thought) - but all that is a totally different story. And we finally realized that we should have done this years ago. The children did not turn bad because of the divorce and in fact I truly believe that they suffered along with us as we tried to keep our family together without realizing that they actually saw the difficulties we were having.

As for the anger...my wife had anger for a couple of years after the divorce but not nearly as bad as during the actual separation so be prepared. Eventually it subsided once she realized that she is traped as much as you are. So I can't say how long it might take your wife. But I would say eventually it will. Separating is a very emotionaly tramatic event no matter what the situation. So my heart goes out to both of you.

Good luck to you Ryanart! Keep us posted.

Alex

To be honest, you are probably correct about not waiting for Mr. Right. Someone told me that once. "Think, David," they said, "then you will be leaving Gin not because it is the right thing to do for you and your family, but for a person. Again, you'll be hiding behind something instead of taking charge of your life."

That's not an exact quote after all these years, but it was something to that affect, and since there was no person to lash out at on her part, yes it did make things odd and awkward, but it also helped keep me honest. And to tell you the truth, as that same friend insisted, "There is nothing wrong with living a period of good old fashioned self-reliance." And taking care of myself in that way first, I am convinced has made me a better father and hopefully a better partner to the man who eventually was lucky enough to end up with me.

And no one can garauntee what your soon to be former wife will say or do in the long run, but if you stay above board, as Smokey says, take the high road, you'll be able to sleep better at night, and maintain your integrity. Eventually Gin and I became best of friends. And that's something that I had begun to believe (even back when we started this website) that would never happen.

Best of luck to you. I know it's a scary journey. But you'll know what's right for you to do, and you'll be fine. The kids are most important, of course. And the health of their daddy is very important as well. Don't forget that.

Love and a brotherly shoulder,
David