First off, let me start by thanking the founders, moderator, and members who have posted to this site. Without your sharing of your experiences, support and ongoing conversations, I would not have approached telling my kids I am gay the way I did. I think I did about as good of a job as I possibly could. So Thank you all!

I just finished a two week vacation with my four kids. (ages 6,8,10,12) We spent seven days of the vacation camping in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan wilderness. We were 36 miles round trip from the daily purchase of ice for the cooler. We were 64 miles round trip from a cell phone signal. We were OFF THE GRID. A campsite deep in the heart of a National Forest, 6 miles in on a dirt road from a winding 12 mile, poorly paved road in the middle of heavy unspoiled old growth forest. We could hear the coyotes at night, and a few years back a black bear wandered into camp when we were there. God's country.

Having spent months subtly correcting my kids' impressions of gay people when the subject (or a slur) came up, introducing them to a couple of gay friends, etc. I decided the two weeks away from other influences might be a good time to come out to them. So, the second night around the campfire, the subject came up naturally. I don't even recall how. But I seized the opportunity and told them I was gay.

My strategy was simple, introduce it in a matter of fact, non-threatening way. This is part of who Dad is... I am still the same Dad... I still love you... Do you have any questions? etc. etc.

WhatI rejected was my ex-wife and her therapists' idea that my ex and I tell them together so the kids know I have her support. I rejected that scenario because A. Knowing my ex-wife she would simply try to take control of the situation and it would no longer be my "coming out" but her "outing me", and B. I did not want it to be this big heavy special meeting to talk about something "serious" like when we introduced the divorce to the kids, which traumatized them, and C. I wanted to make sure I have control of the situation so it is calm, relaxed and not wrought with anxiety, fear, etc. which I think would simply translate to the kids that "this is a problem, I should be upset about this, this is a really huge deal". (My ex wife tends to be a very anxious person, always worried and hand wringing about the unknown future - which of course never turns out as horrible as she imagines it... and my ex mother-in-law is right there fanning the flames of fear with her).

I did tell the kids their mom and grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. all know, and that we did not tell the kids right away because we thought they might be too young, or it would be too much to deal with during the divorce. I told them they could talk to their mom if they wanted to. I called their mom 3 days before we got home to give her a heads up. She was actually supportive, and glad I did not tell her my plan ahead of time as she would have worried.

They had questions. There was some disbelief. But they accepted the information and it did not traumatize them. I decided not to push it or bring it up over the course of the vacation, but let them know they could ask me questions at anytime. They did. All of them initially. They had some great questions from "Why did you marry Mom?" to "How do you meet other gay people?" to "Is being gay something you inherit?". I was as honest as possible, without giving them more information than I thought they needed or could handle. The conversations continued intermittently, even after we got home.

Before they went back to their Mom's, I talked to each one privately to see if they had any questions, were upset, etc. My boys, in the middle, talked to me the most about it. It almost seemed to bother them the least as well. My oldest, a girl, said she was fine, but did not want to talk about it any more. I did not push it. O.K., something is going on in her head, so I am glad I did not wait any longer. I have heard over and over again the teenage years are hard for kids to hear this, since they are dealing with their own issues of puberty, etc. My youngest, also a girl, initially said "Dad, nobody believes you are gay". I kept reinforcing that I am and then she said, "Ok, Dad, you are gay, it doesn't matter" (heart tug and tear!) I told all of them, that for now, it is probably a good idea to keep this information just in the family. Without missing a beat they all said they did not plan to tell anyone. Kids today are not stupid... even at age 6 they get it that gay people are not popular with everyone.

After they got to their Mom's, she let them each know they could talk to her about it. None of them wanted to. (I actually think this is a good sign). My ex was disappointed (because I think she needs drama and because she is shut out of this, at least for the time being). My ex has told me the oldest does not want to talk about it and said she is somewhat bothered by it. Understandable. I asked her not to push it (which took more than one conversation to ensure she respect my wishes and not "turn this into a crisis"). My 6 year old matter of factly stated "Yeah, Dad is gay", and went back to playing. My 8 year old son told her "Mom, it really is no big deal". My 10 year old son got a little teary eyed. Not sure what that means, but he did tell his Mom he is ok with it.

So, time will tell. I have them again this weekend. I am quite confident it will work out, knowing there will be bumps along the way, expecially if they decide to mention it to friends. But... I expect if there is a problem, it will come from the PARENTS of the friends.

My ex wife says it lifts a huge burden off all of us. She is glad it is out. I agree. I am glad it is out. I helps explain the divorce to the kids and probably gives my ex an easy out from responsibility or blame for the divorce. But I told them my ex knew I was gay going into the marriage, and my ex is not going to deny it to the kids. (I should say, my ex knew, and was even involved at the tail end of my therapy that supposedly "cured me" of being gay).

The kids all remained affectionate. Even more so. Perhaps they need my reassurance, or perhaps they were reassuring me. But clearly, I am blessed with four wonderful kids who know my love for them is the same as it was before I told them I am gay. And theirs is the same for me. I am ready for the bumps in the road and I think being out to my kids will make them better people as they grow into adults.

Thanks again Dads. I would not have the courage to have taken this step without all your examples of how being an out gay father can be the best, and healthiest alternative for our families.

Peace,

David

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Dearest David,

I am literally in tears at this moment... to have things go so well for you and your kids is just phenomenal... and to have your ex wife okay with the process is rather exceptional...

You are absolutely right... this will become a non issue... and I'm so glad that most of your kids are young enough to easily accept who you are. I'm also, sort of back handedly, glad that we have Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Will and Grace, and such... I don't know how much your kids watch TV but that does so much for acceptance... particularly for kids... they see it on TV... the stigma is lessened... though I hate Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.... lol...

As for your oldest daughter, sure... her fears are well realized... nobody wants to be singled out in anyway when one is in high school... But, I trust that you and your former wife have raised her right and she will be fine. I was always openly gay when I was married, but I was also circumspect.... I had no desire to make my daughter's life more difficult... moot point, thankfully, with the world becoming more inclusive, it was a non issue...

Amusing (I think) aside... I told my daughter I was gay when she was 4 or 5... in age acceptable fashion, of course. Several years later, we were playing the board game Life... I got to the getting married space on the board and grabbed a pink peg... my Jess stopped me and said, "Daddy, no... you're gay... you get a husband." And this was while I was married to her mother!!!! And I'll never forget how vehemently she defended gay marriage in her law and society class in high school... made dad so proud...

Apologies, David, went off on a rant of my own... I'm so happy for you and how things turned out... You are just another example of how being honest and straight forward with our kids almost always works the best... dear god, why would anyone want to continue the lies? It's so much happier when you can just be who you are!!!!

I admire what you've done... and many hugs...

All the best,

Smokey

Hi David,

Yes our kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for, and emotionally they have a capacity that never fails to amaze, but as we know that's not to say they don't have questions running on in their minds, issues with news like this or worries for themselves and more often than not for their Dad too.

I think what really tells in times likes this is the strength, honesty, openess and true love that we as fathers hope we have fostered with our children from the beguining. They have found out something new....this on the back of a separation etc ...it's a real challenge, but you know when they sit there and listen and hear it coming from the man they know as dad, who is the same man they know and loved before and after the conversation....that is both a huge relief for them and a strong factor in how they deal with it ...being gay and you.

Our kids can deal with change but need the rocks in their lives to remain that. I promised my son a whole bunch of things when I left the marital home and when I came out, keeping those promises, remaining the man I always was has proved so so very imortant to the integrity of my relationship with my son in this situation. Sure things have changed abit with time, but he was 11 then and is 16 now and has gone from living with his mum full time to wanting to live with us(he does now 50% of the time).

It sounds like you have opened a door for you all(your ex included) which can only deepen the relationship with the kids and their respect for you and the likelyhood that as they grow they will share with you and trust you with the critical issues in their own lives. There may be problems in the future for them as they try to make this work with school and friends but my experience and the stories told here are that on the whole what you have done is the most positive and loving thing you could have done as a father, who is dedicated to his kids and happens to be gay.

I am heartened by your story David and the reaction of your FOUR kids..lol..I have just the one...I trust things for you all can only get better from this point on. Be there for them, let them know they can ask questions, express concerns, and in time include them fully in your life as a gay man. They will love it, your friends will get so much out of it too and you will have a great family.

Cheerio for now....Vincent...x

Hello David,

I just wanted you to know that I'm very proud of you and happy for you that things have gone so well with coming out to your kids.

Cheers,

Jim